It comes in cycles (I've done it to my family again)

[up a ladder]

I'm sorry about this, but it is a long one.

My first real panic attack was in 1995 and seemed to come out of the blue.
From tehn on until my daughter was born in 2001 it was a daily nightmare. At one point I was on two ADs and Lithium.
Then since then I get attacks from any event out of the norm. Job chnages and most obviously this time: Money
The problem I have is that when I am well, I spend money. I have got myself in trouble before and always just about managed to get myself out of it.

Today I am sitting here because I can not face work, but will go. I have not yet missed a payment on cards loans or Mortgae, but in two months this will change. I will not be able to pay these.
I'm 40 years old I should know better.

I am facing going into an IVA, but am worried that it will cause me to lose my house.
I hate myself for this as I have had so many chances and I have a very good job, but I keep doing this.
It broke my heart to see my kids going to school this morning thinking that I am going to ruin their world. We have moved house well away from any friends and family and I know if it goes wrong again, we will be in a very bad place.
I find it incredibly difficult to work when I am like this and my there is little understanding at work.
I am sitting here worrying that I am the cause of so much for people who do not deserve it.

I am spending the next two nights away from home and am scared as I hate hotels, I have a major presentation on Thursday and I am sure I will not be able to sleep tonight.

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Up a ladder I'm sorry that no-one has replied to your post. It seems that you have complex problems. Are you bi-polar by any chance? Your post maps out impulsive behavoiur and spending but with the right type of help it need not be like this. I am also on lithium but I am not bi-polar. If you are then the MDF website is a good place to start to look for help. Your life does not have to be a foregone conclusion. None of us can predict what will happen in the future and yet we have free will. Your life does not have to be one of self fulfilling prophecy. I understand only too well the fear of becoming ill again and everything going bad but with the right help you can stop this and minimise the damage to yourself and your family. Try not to catastrophise things ie dont always look for the worse possible out come. That is the depression talking. I suggest that you talk to someone you know well and contact your GP/mental health team/psychiatrist. Take care.I hope you have time to come back and read my post. EJ.

[donna@sam]

dear up the ladder im a manic depressive wiv a drink problem 2 i 2 ave ruined my family life,i go doctors and am on tablets,i dont feel ene differant on them,ur situation sounds the sme i wish u all the best xx