Fiance having cyber

[miss_moose]

Sorry i didnt know if this was the right place to put this but i'm having a panic attack and shaking so badly (I'm a regular member on this forum if that helps)

I've just come downstairs and found the computer had been on all night, there's a chat window up of my fiance having very flirty (and sexual) cyber with a woman.
How he'd have to come and see her and have "bump, grind" with her and how he likes naughty things!

I'm fuming, he's still in bed at the minute, i did shout up to him "You'll be wishing you turned off that dam computer!", he didnt answer so he's either not heard, or he has and is too scared to come downstairs and be confronted.

Only last week he told me he used chat rooms "rarely", i told him he wasnt happy andhe said he wouldnt anymore. He said he never used them for sexual reason or flirting.

He comes to bed really late, usually after 2am which makes me think maybe this is a regular thing.
He's arranged to meet this woman at midnight on line again tonight.

I'm a very panicky person and i'm really upset, i just dont know what to do, am i over reacting?

[Anxious_gal]

You need trust in a relashionship......

[shell24]

No your not over reacting but your going to wind yourself up if you dont discuss it with him so march upstairs and come out straight with it

[sarah jayne]

No your not overeacting, a relationship needs trust to work. Its disgusting what he has been doing behind your back, if my husband did that i would be so hurt and angry. Please dont turn a blind eye to it, have it out with him !
Sarah x

[london]

if hes haveing cyber now you must stop the real thing with you
if trust is gone then iam sorry theres nothing

[guitarpants]

What the others have said is true. If there's no trust, and he's already lied, and if you marry him, something worse is just going to happen down the road. Like cheating or what not. Marriage changes nothing. You can't change a person. I would start by having a direct conversation about it and see what happens.

[glsmith]

Oh hun,

Firstly hugs goes out to you.
I agree with the others. You need to confront him. If you don't you'll always be feeling what if...? A relationship should be built on trust and for him to say he's not using the chat rooms for that and he clearly is he is lieing!!!

If it was me, I'd chop off his thing and pickle it! Go confront him hun, you deserve an explanation. We all know its not nice but it must be done. Marriage is not the answer for fixing this.

Let us know how it goes. Hugs goes out to you. We're all here for ya x

Gem x

[eeyorelover]

I'm so sorry that you are going thru this!
I agree that the two of you must discuss this but if you start by yelling and screaming nothing is going to get accomplished. I say that only because that would be the first thing I would want to do!
But if you want to try to work it out, the two of you are going to have to have an open honest conversation and you must get across to him how unacceptable this is and how much it hurts you. Those sorts of conversations can't happen when either of you are emotionally charged.
((((HUGS))))
xxx
Sandy

[miss_moose]

Thank you all so much for your comfort and advice.

I waited for him to get up, i left the computer screen on with his chat window up, i'd also highlighted all the worst bits so he know exactly what i had read.

When he came in to the lounge i was on the sofa crying and wouldnt speak to him, eventually i told him to have a look at the computer.

He came back in and apologised and tried to speak to me about it, but i was crying so much and i couldnt even look at him, let alone speak to him.

I didn't yell or scream at him, i've been very subdued (sp?) and quiet.

Apparently they've been talking on and off for 6 weeks, and it was because we'd had an argument about my ocd and he wanted to let off steam and talk about our relationship because he doesnt have anyone else to speak to.
I told him neither do i but i dont start having cyber sex with some random!

i spent most of the day crying, i tried to do normal things with him like go to buy some flowers for the garden which he's doing up, but it's hard to be normal with him now.

To make it worse, he was the one that innitiated it.
We dont have sex often, all down to me because i'm ill alot of the time and have a low sex drive, he said maybe that was a factor in it.

Yesterday, he bought me some Lillies as a sorry, i told him that he only ever buys me flowers when we've argued, and that they are just a reminder of what he's done.

I feel so stupid for crying too, i feel like i shouldnt be and i should be "over it" by today, but i just feel so so hurt.
He;s at work til 10:30pm tonight and tomorrow, so i'm just sat home alone and crying, i just cant think of anything but what he wrote to her.
I just feel so lost and alone, i dont have any friends so i cant speak to anyone about it, i usually call my mum but i dont want to tell her about it.
I spoke to her y'day and she knew something was wrong because i didnt sound right at all.

Thank you again x

[shell24]

Well done for approaching him, its not easy to confront people you love in fear of losing them but im sure he now respects you for doing that. You are not silly for crying, hes betrayed you......end of! I understand he needed to talk to someone, we all do but why did sexual inuendos have to come into it. I know you feel alone hun but i would consider if you can trust this guy, when are you meant to be marrying him? I feel as though he has taken advantage of your vunerability and that is just terrible. Speak to your mum, you may not want to worry her but she is probably more worried now that she knows something isnt right with you and she doesnt know what. Mums hold fabulous wisdom and would never send their children down the wrong path, they want you to be happy so she could have some inspiring advice for you xxxx