I'm pregnant and terrified. Please help me

[lulag]

Hello,

I am crying as I am writing this, I just cant go through this anymore. I have had 3 abortions and 3 miscarriages and I am terrified of being pregnant. Each time I think I want a baby, but when I become pregnant I hate it and want it gone. I am 7 weeks pregnant. I thought that I was miscarrying 2 days ago (and was actually relieved) and so had a scan. It turns out that the baby is fine. All it has done has freaked me out and made me not want it anymore. I have had councelling, but it doesnt work. They put it down to my child hood. Please help me, I am at my wits end and just dont know what to do. I cant tell anyone how I am feeling. I havent even told my husband, I've got this awful dirty secret that I cant tell anyone. I am disgusted with myself.

[Mya]

Joy,

I am so sorry to hear the struggle you are going through. I too have an intense fear of pregnancy and this has caused so much internal pain.

I became pregnant when I was 17 and had an abortion as well. I am now 34 and feel time is running out and seeing friends have babies just fuels my anxiety even more and more. This is a daily struggle and my husband has been so supportive yet he is so tired of hearing it. He is actually leaning towards not wanting kids because of various reasons. Although it helps me to know he married me not for procreation purposes only, I still struggle in making sure we make the right decision. It is so tough.

I also have gone to therapy for it and sadly have not had progresss with this fear. Mine stems from childhood too because I witnessed my mother go through some very traumatic pregnancies when I was young. I suffer from GAD and OCD and I do have some friends that are very much mentally sound, that have admitted to me they are sturggling with this same fear. That has helped me a bit to realize normal people are afraid as well, but with my disorders this fear is magnified so much.

I sway back and forth because I struggle to imagine myself as a mother and I also fear my GAD will especially impact my children. I literally obsess and obsess about every aspect of parenthood which is an awful cycle.

There is a thread here that Peach has started. She has been so brave because she suffers severe Tokophobia as well and is about to have her first baby any day now. She has been so kind to post her endeavor out here in hopes of helping fellow sufferers.

I am sorry I cannot help you with this situation, but you are FAR FAR braver than I in that you have become pregnant. Every month I go through the same mess of fearing that I am. I am angry with myself and feel so awful for my husband. But all I can say is that things happen for a reason and hopefully one day I will have the answer to this mess.

Don't judge yourself badly at all. You are brave to be going through all that you have and just have faith that was meant to happen will. There are so many others that feel the same and just remember you are not alone.

Praying for you and I hope you keep us updated with how you are doing. Just keep faith that the right outcome will happen for you.

[lulag]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I can relate to every single thing you have said.

I too obsess about motherhood and question if I really want it or not. I worry that this is just a smoke screen for the fact that I dont want to be a Mother.

I hve so many things going on in my head at the moment I feel like I just dont want to wake up in the morning. I jsut want to make this all go away. Sadly the only way to make it go away is an abortion and I fear I will go down that route.

I too feel so sad for my husband because he wants a child and may never have one. I have to keep this dirty little secret from him and I feel so awful.

I am not brave at all. I am the most far extreme of opposite that you can get from it. You are 34, so you still have time and who knows like you say you may get your head around all of this before it is too late and may end up having a child. Like you say, have faith. I on the other hand am 38 and thought I should give it a try before it's too late. But I think that it already is too late for me. I know that now.

Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much to me. x

[Mya]

Aww, hun, I feel so much for you and I wish there was an answer or a magic pill I could give us to make this nightmare go away.

Don't ever put yourself down. You are incredibly strong with what you are currently going through and have in the past. People that do not suffer like us can never walk in our footsteps and despite feeling like we are weak and failures we are strong. So never put yourself down.

38 is still very young. So many women are pushing it further and further and many are choosing not to pursue it at all. I know a woman that had her first at 46! It was a beautiful pregnancy too.

Our society puts FAR FAR too much pressure on us. Men and women both and throw GAD and other issues in there and it makes things harder. It is a HUGE decision to have children today, anxiety or not. We are fortunate that we have friends that have babies and others that are caught in the crossroads like us. I have had one "so called" friend that was very cruel and made the comment for me to get off the "Diva Train" and have one. She made very hurtful comments that women that do not have kids are not true women I am the most feminine person I know and this was gut wrenching to hear. My husband is so laid back so he tries to tell me not to dwell but it is hard. People that make such comments are miserable in there own lives and say these things to help them cope with their issues. We live in such a cruel and judgemental society.

I understand that your husband is keen on having children, have you ever thought of adoption? I think adoption is a beautiful thing whether someone has fears like us or not. I have always planned on adoption as being part of my life if I choose motherhood. I know it is hard, but perhaps you should really sit down with your hubby and discuss the pain you are going through? It would take some weight off you and help him to better understand what this is doing.

Please just don't beat yourself up over this. There is so much to consider especially with how the world is going now. Sometimes I feel it is a blessing and a curse that we have so many options today. There are so many people that need love that are already in this world too that you could provide, children and adults! Life is so complicated today and I know I could invest my time in various other places that would appreciate my nurturing skills and same for you!

Whatever you choose you have much support and please feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk with. Keep your chin up and make the best decision for you. I know what is right will happen.

All the best, hun, and hope you keep us informed on how you are doing.

xoxoxoxoxox

[Vixxy]

Hi. Im really sorry to hear about what youre going through at the moment.
You obviously want a child because you keep putting yourself into this situation. Try and take some time out of your day and write down what you think a child will bring to your life. It seems to me that once youre pregnant youre forgetting these reasons.
Whatever you decide it'll be the right decision for you right now. Dont beat yourself up about it.

[peach]

hello joygun,


i noticed this post and want to let you know that i really do know how you feel.
i have been on this website for about 5 years now because of my severe childbirth and pregnancy fear.

i have another thread on here which i started to hopefully help others in our shoes.

whenever you want to chat, pls message me, i check this website every day.

i have also had a termination out of fear in the past, im 36 yrs old and have put my hubby and myself through hell for years with this issue. im facing it now.

pls pm me any time you like. if i can do this, you certainly can too. pls believe this. if you read my posts from the last few years, i have come a long way!

pls dont loose faith!

also, just to let you know i found a great book called 'childbirth without fear' im just upto chapter 7 but its been an amazing read so far! and just reading it seems to be helping me calm down.

my hubby too wanted a baby, and i felt just awful that i wasnt going to give him such a gift because of my fear.....

pls contact me if you want to chat. i can also give you my email address if you perfer to chat that way...your def not alone with this.

[lulag]

Thank you all so much. I cant even see the screen because I am crying so much. I had an abortion booked for today but cancelled it, I need to give myself more time to get my head around this. I wish it ( I dont like to call it "it", I know its a baby, but I cant associate it with a baby you see) would just leave me. I cant go through this anymore. Why cant it just know that I want it to leave me. I am not worthy of it, I know that. God forgive me.

I have just been to my Doctor this morning, because I was told by the hospital that I should go. He just looked at me and said " I thought we'd sorted all this out" and asked me if I was thinking of "harming myself" He said he didnt think there is much he can do for me and "did I want an abortion". He said that I should tell my husband and it wasm morally wrong not to. He also said that I should contact the Mental Health people. I am not crazy I am just full of fear and it is the fear that is taking over. He couldnt wait to get me out of his surgery. He made me feel like a complete freak. I feel even worse and I didnt think that was possible.

I am so glad that I came onto this website as I know I am not alone. I am so terrified today, I dont know what to do. I have never felt so alone. x

[peach]

what a total loser your doctor is!!!!

get rid of him right now and find a good doctor, no, a great doctor who will understand and help you love. i cant believe he gets paid to treat patients like that!!!! makes me mad!!!

pls dont take on his stupid advice. he obviously has no idea and shouldnt be a doctor if he cant help people. there are great doctors out there who will be able to support you!

i had to go through 3 till i found a good one. i really wanted to terminate for the first 10 weeks also, i didnt sleep well, i kept waking up crying, but, i just took each day as it came.....and i felt a little better each day. by the 3rd month i honestly became ok with being pregnant. dont worry about not connecting with your baby, i still find the whole thing a bit weird lol.

i also felt not deserving of a baby either, so pls know you are not alone with this. just take a breath, have a shower, or bath, and breath for a bit, try not to think....then when you feel a bit better, go find a good doctor, dont settle for anyone less....

your right, your not crazy, your scared, like so many of us. fear does not make you weak in any way! this i learned recently. i also learned not to apoligise for my condition. mine, like yours came from childhood....ive been seeing a great psychiatrist and a really great midwife, plus all the support on here has been fantastic too.....

i really do know how you feel, i was there only 6 months ago.....

[lulag]

Oh God. Just want to curl up and go to sleep and never wake up. Words do not describe how I am feeling today. I am one messed up girlie. Supposed to be going to get my hair cut in 20 minutes, dont even want to look in a mirror at myself.

I feel so ill and so tired. I'm tired of trying to act normal in front of people.

I am so scared as well, because at the moment I have no maternal feelings towards this baby whatsoever, so what is the point of putting myself through this. I think if my husband ever found out about an abortion, things would never be the same between us again. It may even break us and I love him so so much. He is all I've got. He says he wants a baby that is our flesh and blood, so you see, I cant adopt. I cant talk to him, because he thinks it is because of him and the fact that "I have his flesh and blood inside me.

Even if I did go through this, I am so scared that I will not love it. Who is to say with the way I am feeling that I will.

Just cant do it, how do I do this, what do I do????? Like my Doctor said, i have only 2 options and I need to decide now.

[Vixxy]

Go and see a female doctor. I think youve got more chance of them actually understanding what youre going through than a male one.
Please dont worry about having no maternal instinct towards it. It doesnt mean when the baby is born you wont feel anything. This is your fear making itself stronger than any of your other emotions.