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Thread: Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!

  1. #11
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    May 2010
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    Re: Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!

    Quote Originally Posted by YvonneBelle View Post
    One thing I've noticed lately (might be an anxiety thing) but I keep having a 'normal' thought which then turns into a horror story. Like I have a particularly sharp vegetable knife that I keep in a kitchen drawer and I keep worrying about innocently peeling veg or something and then slipping and poking myself in the eye with it. It's only a flash.... but it makes me wince. I should add that this has happened before at odd times when I've been doing something 'normal' but a disaster film has played itself out in my mind in a Stephen King kind of way.... like imagining yourself falling during a graduation ceremony or getting caught in the escalators.... it's like a 'what if' thing your brain does in case something does happen I suppose. I've just noticed it a bit more lately. I know it's harmless but I think this sort of thing happens when I'm feeling more anxious than usual.
    This sounds very much like the sort of little flashes I would get when my anxiety was strongest, usually when I was just waking up. My mind would dash me through a number of scenarios that felt like some sort of punishment. I get what you mean about running through those even when you don't feel anxious, I often watch things involving people standing on top of high buildings and when the camera gives you a long, vertiginous shot I feel a bit odd and now and then get this little movie running in my head of falling from that kind of height.

    I would say that this is just our deep seated fears and depression working away and coupled with the anxiety we're going through it heightens that, turning it into something akin to mental self harm in a way. It's just a way for the anxiety to reach you and as you'll find out over the coming weeks, it will try to find lots of little things to use against you, this one is just one of the less subtle ones.

    Better days Yvonne

    Shaun

  2. #12
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    Jun 2010
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    Re: Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!

    Quote Originally Posted by Raindog View Post
    I often watch things involving people standing on top of high buildings and when the camera gives you a long, vertiginous shot I feel a bit odd and now and then get this little movie running in my head of falling from that kind of height.
    Yup - me too. I think heights is a good example, it's hard not to imagine falling, especially when the camera gives you that shot......

    I would say that this is just our deep seated fears and depression working away and coupled with the anxiety we're going through it heightens that, turning it into something akin to mental self harm in a way.
    Yes, it is a kind of mental self-harm. Hadn't viewed it like that, but it does makes sense. Strange indeed. This seems to have passed today tho. No more flashes (thank goodness) and also, not that I think I mentioned it before, but my eyelid has finally stopped twitching after 4 weeks of driving me nuts.

    It's just a way for the anxiety to reach you and as you'll find out over the coming weeks, it will try to find lots of little things to use against you, this one is just one of the less subtle ones.
    I wonder why we (humans) do the self-sabotage thing? Like, shouldn't we automatically do what's in our best interests all the time, rather than working against ourselves? Perhaps it's an esteem thing, don't really know, but I think it's pretty common whether we are consciously aware of it or not.

    Thanks for your comments Shaun. V.thought provoking!

  3. #13
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    Jun 2010
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    Day 4

    Another 10mg today because my friend came over and I wanted to feel reasonably ok for going out for a walk with the baby.

    It was a lovely day. Babies have a pure innocence that is hard to ignore and you can't help but smile back when they smile at you. It was lovely to go for a leisurely walk, browse the shops and have some lunch. And of course, a good chat.

    No side effects today whatsoever. And as mentioned in my previous post, no more eyelid twitch.

    Last night, rather than lying awake for several hours trying to get to sleep, I decided to just read until I felt tired enough to sleep. This finally happened at 2am but then I slept solid until 9am.

    Going to take another 10mg tomorrow but will increase to 20mg on Thurs, see how that goes. Hopefully by then, a 20 and 3x10 will have prepared my system enough to give 20 another go.

  4. #14
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    Jun 2010
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    Day 5

    Another 10mg today but I'm going up to 15 tomorrow as the first step back up to 20 as the doc advised.

    (Bought a pill cutter today to make the whole job of splitting the 20mg so much easier than cutting with a knife only to spend the next 10 mins looking for the piece that flew somewhere. )

    Last night got to sleep at 1am (an hour earlier than the night before) and slept solid until 8am. So I seem to be getting around 7 hours good sleep a night which probably helped my eyelid twitch to finally disappear.

    Suffering slight constipation tho (too much info?) so going to try extra water and more fruit & veg from tomorrow.

    Today was hot hot hot! Noticed a slight headache build up this afternoon but that could just as easily have been the heat. I can highly recommend Carte Noir cappuccino sachets - yumeeee!! Did wonders for my headache!

    Be interesting to see how tomorrow goes when I up the dose but overall I'm so relieved to be feeling much better this week. My energy is returning and I'm feeling much more focused. Transformation from this time last week!

    Hope everyone enjoyed today. Can you believe I didn't watch the footie? I really can't see what all the fuss is about! Depression or not, I just can't get excited about it.

  5. #15
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    Day 6

    Took 15mg this morning. Felt a bit tired and have been in all day but otherwise, okay. No feelings of sickness which is what I was most worried about.

    Still got a few worries and problems going on in the background and still haven't managed to sort through my paperwork yet. It's a big task that I have been avoiding for a long time.

    Need to make sure I get out for a walk at some point too - else I probably won't get a good night's sleep.

    On that note, I went to sleep at around 12.30pm last night and woke up at 5am convinced it must be later. Must be the light mornings. Woke up again at 7am and probably should have got up then, but dozed a while longer. Might have actually slipped into getting too much sleep...

    On the plus side, I'm feeling loads better in general. More willing to start dealing with things properly.

    My second counselling session is due tomorrow. That's come round again pretty quickly. I'm looking forward to it and am already feeling like a different person to the one that attended the first session last week.

    Yvonne

  6. #16
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    Day 7

    Managed to go for a 3 mile walk yesterday evening and felt better for it... but it did nothing for getting to sleep - not sure what time I actually dropped off but it was late!

    Another 15mg today and I've felt a bit sick and headachy all day. :(

    Definately the Cit - getting to know what the sickness feels like and of course the taste in my mouth. I also suffer with hayfever so a whole antihistamine kind of zonked me out today and I didn't really achieve what I wanted to (paperwork!).

    It was my 2nd counselling session today. This was interesting and my counsellor even said she enjoyed it. The Cit is definately working because at one point I even thought that I was going to get through the whole session without even a single teardrop, but then we got onto the subject of love and relationships and...

    Today's session also taught me that I have never felt supported - in my whole life! (Quite a revelation)

    I'm going to bite the bullet and go for 20mg tomorrow. That way I'll have had at least 3 before my next doc's appointment next Tues.

    Hmmm, can't say I'm really looking forward to more side effects!

    Yvonne

  7. #17
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    Jun 2010
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    Day 8

    Yesterday (Sat)

    Instead of taking 20mg I wimped out and took 10mg. Reason being that I felt totally sick on Thurs/Fri and spent ages trying to get to sleep both nights. Partly the heat but partly the Cit I feel.

    I'm thinking of explaining to my doc that I do actually feel loads better on 10mg whether it's considered to be a therapeutic dose or not. Upping to 15mg made me feel sick and worse. I'm not sure my body needs to get used to a higher dose. If I'm feeling good on 10mg, why increase it? That's my theory anyway!

    I spent some of Saturday showing some prospective buyers around my sister's property and if they buy - I'll be out of a home. This is part of the reason why I'm so stressed at the moment. Not only have I been having work issues but my home isn't secure and will probably be sold very soon. Added to this I have money worries and debts. It's all intertwined.

    I'm bracing myself for some struggles. Work haven't paid me either - not even SSP so I've got to sort that out on Monday. If it wasn't for the Cit I think my head would literally explode.

  8. #18
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    Day 9

    Sunday - England v Germany.

    Hot & sunny weather - plenty of reasons to be cheerful except that I'm bricking it about work, home, money.... blah!

    Spent some time surfing the net for council properties and found three to bid on. Problem is, I'm considered to be 'adequately housed' even though my home is literally being sold from under me. Local authorities have as much foresight as the average greenfly it seems. Not until I'm scraping in the gutter will they consider I have an urgent issue. Would you believe, even depression doesn't count as a reason for them to consider that I might need help more urgently - because well, putting it blunty, I can be depressed anywhere. Talk about missing the point!!! Feeling unsettled and worried about my home is adding to my stress. Being re-homed would reduce that stress significantly. Go figure.

    So I bid on a few properties only to find that I was No. 19 out of 20 bidders in most cases - in other words - no chance of being even short-listed. The only exception being one flat restricted to over 40's. For that I'm 3rd out of 5 bidders. Even so, this relies on the first two not being interested.

    I took another 10mg today and feel fine. I got a much better night's sleep last night too.

    Sorry to moan..... but GOD!!! I am so frustrated with my situation.

  9. #19
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    May 2010
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    Re: Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!

    Hi Yvonne,
    You go ahead and have a good moan, it's your thread after all. You already know how it can help getting stuff out so go ahead if it helps even a little bit.

    I can relate to your worries about your home, I was moving around a lot while at university and I was in a situation a little like yours, where the landlord was selling the place and I didn't know how long I had before I had to move out, and money was tight then too.

    I might suggest looking at private residences as well, though they may be more expensive, but you never know, you might get lucky and find somewhere that isn't too bad with a good landlord. It's worth a try.

    Somehow I've always found something turns up even when you feel it's hopeless, so keep looking and there's a good chance some stroke of good fortune will work in your favour at some point. Like most things with anxiety, it's not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel that makes it worse.

    Even if you take a little flat for now until something better comes along, that will at least help with the stress somewhat.

    Better days Yvonne
    Shaun

  10. #20
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    Jun 2010
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    Re: Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!

    Thanks Shaun,

    What you say is true - something does usually turn up just when you think nothing will.

    I have rented privately many times before so have a good track record but it's the deposit and rent in advance that's always the killer. Plus estate agents fees in most cases.

    Saying that, I'd take a studio in the short term. Reason I'm looking for council is the rent is generally lower and it would give me a chance of getting my finances under better control. Part of the reason I'm in debt now is because I've poured so much cash into renting privately and paying all bills. Plus it would be nice to be able to hammer a nail in the wall without some landlord breaking into a sweat. My only worry with a council property would be hammering a nail into a wall only to cause the whole building to collapse!

    Another reason council would be a good option is the ability to claim HB should that be a necessity. Most private landlords don't like that - along with smokers, pets and nails in walls! Plus you never feel you can put your own stamp on it. At least with council properties you can practice decorating. Plus they carry out minor repairs - except they have a habit of turning up just when you nip to the shops having waited patiently all day!

    Unfortunately I can't afford to buy and even if I could - I would rather share that responsibility.

    Ah well - one can always live in hope!!
    Last edited by YvonneBelle; 28-06-10 at 16:00.

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