Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!

[YvonneBelle]

15mg today. Not toooo bad! I decided to keep trying 15mg in the hopes that one day the bloody side effects will wear off and I won't feel so sick and headachy. Then again.... need to drink more water, especially in this weather. Being dehydrated is something to be avoided.

I'm due another doc's appointment tomorrow, so will say I've done 10-15mg on and off.... so still going slowly with it.

I got my work laptop out to check my pay status and even the act of logging in caused my heart to race and my palms to sweat!

Couldn't check anyway so phoned in the end. I put the phone down the first time before getting through but the second time spoke to a colleague. The nightmare for me is that I work in HR.... so I had to speak to somebody I work with about some personal issues. Arrghhh.

My worst fears didn't actually manifest. I'm due some normal salary plus SSP soon, so panic over for now.

There's still the huge issue of what's going to happen with the flat. The buyer hasn't come back with a further offer, so it might not even sell and it might even be taken off the market for the time being. It's still up in the air. I just wish I knew what was happening!!

At least we are being graced with a proper British summer and at least for the time being I'm not stuck in some sweaty office staring at a screen all day.

Small mercies!

[YvonneBelle]

Hi guys,

Another hot day. Another 15mg today but I got a bit told off by the doc (more of a wrist slap) for not taking the 20mg. So from tomorrow onwards I'm on 20mg.

I have been advised not to make any decisions about work but it's hard not to think about it and worry about it. Especially when my boss phoned me today fishing for timescales. I just told her the minimum she needed to know for today and said I was just taking one step at a time, not prepared to guesstimate a return date.

The potential buyers for my sister's flat didn't increase their offer after the weekend so Saturday's viewing was nothing more than an outrageous cheek. They even lifted the loo seat and ran the taps during their inspection. So I still don't know what's happening. If I'm honest, I'd rather see the flat go to someone else or I'd rather my sister hang on until things pick up. But then again it's not my decision.

As far as the Cit goes, I've adjusted to 15mg pretty well. No more sickness but getting to sleep is still a bit of an issue. Then again, I'm not being as active as I usually am and I'm sleeping later in the mornings.

Doc has suggested I incorporate some exercise into my daily routine and set better boundaries with the help of my counsellor. I agree, and do usually take at least one long-ish walk a day but I could do more. I have some DVDs lurking somewhere and I could always make use of the local sports centre.

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. That's all I'm saying! I've really got to get it sorted. At least if I feel slightly worse on 20mg for a few days I can always sort through it to take my mind off.

My doc gave me some mild sleeping tablets. Not sure if I'll take them... because with hayfever tablets in the mix I'll start to rattle. I'm thinking of taking 20mg Cit in the morning and then 10mg hayfever tablet at night, because it makes me drowsy so better to be drowsy at night than during the day. This might work better than taking sleeping tablets. I can understand why the doc gets a bit frustrated - I'm such a naughty patient!!

Fingers crossed that this all works and that normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

I still can't visualise myself going back to work.... but for now I don't need to worry about it.

Yvonne

[YvonneBelle]

Lovely afternoon spent with a friend and her baby. We went for a circular walk and spent some time sitting in the window of a coffee shop with a huge cappuccino each. Baby was good as gold and attracted loads of attention.

I'm surprised. I took 20mg this morning and felt absolutely fine. No side effects! I actually felt really good today.

Didn't get to sleep very early last night and slept in late but I don't mind that as long as I'm getting plenty of sleep. I tend to be a night owl anyway so left to my own devices, my body clock works me round into late to bed late to rise. I know it's better the other way but that's just me.

I'm thinking of doing something nice tomorrow like getting a manicure. I don't treat myself like that very often (if ever) and even though I don't go in for fancy nails (they don't mix with using computers and besides I'm not really a girly girl) at least a nice shape and cuticle work would make them look a lot neater and nicer.

So, following doc's orders I've managed to reach 20mg but I did it the slow way. I'm glad I did now because I've now got to the point where going from 15 to 20 barely registered. Yay!!

With the pressure of work off I want to take this time to get really fit and well. Might go the whole hog and put myself on a bit of a health kick. I used to exercise regularly in my teens and 20s and rarely felt overweight. I slipped a bit in my 30s and now in my 40s I've got stuck in a weight and style rut. Losing some weight and feeling fitter and healthier is bound to work wonders for my mood (and it might even do something for my love life...... )

I tend to believe that everything happens for a reason. Another stitch in the tapestry. So perhaps this time is about taking better care of the person that I've been neglecting for a long time. The fun side of me that hasn't seen the light of day for many years! When I think of it that way, it's quite upsetting how I've allowed this to happen. So this is a massive time of re-evaluation for me and I'm starting to re-think my priorities and what I want out of life. I suppose I'm a little bit envious of my friend. Having a baby opens the world somehow. Complete strangers stop and chat because the baby's energy is so bright and innocent. It's hard to be miserable around a happy, contented baby.

Ah well, days like today are to be enjoyed. Another sunny day to be thankful for.

Yvonne

[YvonneBelle]

Went to the local uni this evening and signed up to a summer deal for gym and swim. Got my induction tomorrow (Thurs) at 12pm. Looking forward to doing some exercise and it's walking distance so I'll get a warm up and a cool down too. My energy is returning, so I'm hoping that the more I do, the more I'll want to do.

Latest news on the flat is that a verbal offer has been accepted. All subject to a final viewing and paperwork but it could be fast. Hopefully being out of a home will shunt me a little higher up the list when being considered for flats!

Wow... things are going to change. Perhaps this is exactly what I need. It's been the case for the whole of my life that I never do things by halves. I've lost count of the number of double-whammys... such as moving house and starting a new school; moving house and starting a new job; moving house and going to uni; moving area and starting a new job; leaving the country and starting a new job; suffering with depression, being signed off work and having to moving house.... (I think that was a triple)

If nothing else, I should be the expert at coping with change!!

But at least the Cit is working. Up to speed on 20mg and (fingers crossed) so far so good!!

Yvonne

[Raindog]

Hi Yvonne,
Good to see that you're making such good progress. It's a shame about your place being sold out from under you but I reckon you're in a good place to cope with everything that's going on around you now.

Change is often a bit scary but it can be positive, even if it takes a little while for us to get to the good stuff. Sometimes we go through a flurry of changes then it settles down for a while, but even if it doesn't feel like a good change right now, it may turn out to be eventually so just get through it and get to the other side.

And as you said, sometimes the changes are what you need, even if it feels a bit scary.

Better days Yvonne
Shaun

[YvonneBelle]

Thanks Shaun,

I wasn't sure if anyone was observing my daily musings but I'm glad others are reading this. I'm doing this because it helps me and also because it might help others to see progression. I'm not expecting everything to be plain sailing from now on and there's still bound to be down days but the difference I'm feeling now compared to two weeks ago is quite amazing.

I went to the gym today for my induction which was a pleasure all by itself. They did a group induction so there was a very nice looking gym guy and two other guys doing the tour with me. Woohoo! Yay for me!

I really enjoyed it. I used to spend a lot of time keeping fit so it was easy for me to get used to the equipment again. Just like riding a bike (quite literally). And I noticed on the way out that they do my favourite Body Pump classes too. I love those!! It's great to use the weights whilst working out to the music and if you're lucky you might even find yourself standing behind a nice view... lol

Lady from OH phoned me today (occupational health) and I told her how I was progressing. I made the point that I didn't want to receive too many phone calls and that hearing from my boss had actually made me feel quite anxious. She said "point taken" so I think that will be fed back.

My paperwork still lies untouched and for some reason I'm doing anything but that. This can't continue, especially now that things are potentially underway with the flat. Paperwork might be the least of my worries - I might have a whole flat that needs clearing out and boxing up in preparation for new owners. Quite where I'm going to put it God only knows.

I feel lucky having a supportive doc, a good counsellor (who I'm due to see again tomorrow) OH listening in to progress and my employers backing off for the time being. I'm also lucky that friends and family are rooting for me and that I'm also getting support here.

On a final note, I tend to think that I can deal with everything and I assume that if I can do this without help then it makes me a stronger person. I'm starting to change my mind about that. Reaching out to others and getting the support you need actually takes a certain amount of strength too. Thanks for sharing my journey!

Hope you all have a good day.

Yvonne

[Raindog]

Well done on reaching that point, I went for years thinking I was stronger for struggling on alone, it was only when the anxiety hit that I realised I needed to ask for help, the depression I've dealt with for over 13 years on my own.

It does take strength to admit you need to ask for help, then more to actually take the steps to get it. Now go read your first posts again and see where you've made the progress

Better days coming Yvonne
Shaun

[YvonneBelle]

Now go read your first posts again and see where you've made the progress

LOL well I did just go and read the first couple. I was really scared about taking any kind of AD and very nearly didn't. So glad that I did now!

Yes, asking for help is a big thing because at first it feels like a weakness. Like taking ADs felt like a weakness (to me). But if you don't put your hand up in class or make any mistakes then you don't learn, do you?

Quite why I'm so stubborn and independent I've no idea but it probably springs from childhood. I wanted to feed myself, push my own pushchair, dress myself, walk myself to school.... etc. and I was the first (and only) child for quite a few years until my sister arrived 10 years later. Without getting too deep into it my parents were also warring partners and in some respects I was always the sensible one in the family. I guess it all kind of stems from there.

And having fallen squarely on my arse several times throughout life (and got back up again) I thought I could do it again this time, but no. This time I lost all of my energy and I'm only just getting it back. I guess we shouldn't punish ourselves too hard and be kinder. In allowing yourself to be helped your are allowing others to help you and they want to. Win-win.

Thanks Shaun, you seem to be making good progress yourself and good luck with your interview tomorrow. Fingers crossed!!!

[Raindog]

Just consider this another lesson to learn, you can't always do it on your own, we all have limits. In a way though the meds help you extend those limits, letting you fight the anxiety on your terms rather than struggling through every day with it in control.

I'm doing well at the moment, went through a bit of a blip, but that was of my own making so I accepted it and got on with things, I understood the tension that I felt and could handle it due to that.

I feel I'm getting back to what I was before the anxiety took hold, able to think on my feet, look at a problem and find ways to solve it, kind of useful for a programmer really

Shaun

[YvonneBelle]

I feel I'm getting back to what I was before the anxiety took hold, able to think on my feet, look at a problem and find ways to solve it, kind of useful for a programmer really

I understand that. I'm not a programmer but I have written some very basic code and formulas and I use Crystal Reports a fair bit. So when this whole anxiety and depression started to take over I found it very very hard to concentrate.

I believe you have to have a very logical yet very creative mind to do that type of work and I think there is a sort of beauty in it's simplicity once you've finally worked something out.

I am normally able to concentrate quite hard for long periods of time, puzzling things out. Time flies. But whilst struggling at work with the lack of concentration, I couldn't chase a single thought to conclusion. I just couldn't focus, let alone write a formula or piece of code. That part of my brain just wasn't functioning.

I've noticed an improvement with the Cit - except that my short-term memory is buggered. I have been watching a program on C4 all week about the various wars and it took me ages to recall that last night I watched the story of the great fire of London. I was racking my brain for ages!!! And I seem to have to search for words sometimes too. You know, like ammm, errrrrrr?

Then again, it might be an age thing!

Off to bed now.... going to try and get up earlier tomorrow with a view to re-setting my body clock back to normal.

(fingers still crossed)