29 yr old male with a form of Tokophobia

[donkey]

Hi all,

This is going to sound quite strange and I have done so much searching for similar conditions and symptoms and can't seem to find anything. My girlfriend and I have been happily together for nearly 3 years and the entire time we have been together I have been the unfortunate cause of intimacy issues. Every single time we make love I have an overwhelming fear of impregnating her (This is quite an understatement given my irrationality) We use as many forms of bc as possible and i still can't get past it. Every time we make love I wear a condom and she was on bc but now chooses to use VCF, a type of spermicidal film that the woman inserts 15 min before intercourse. On top of all this I also pull out before ejaculation holding the base of the condom so as not to cause any slippage or accidental contact. Sorry for the graphic description. To add to my phobia my love is about as irregular with her menstrual cycle as you possibly can be. She can miss periods all together (which doesn't help my phobia at all). Sadly, after we moved in together about a year ago she became pregnant, how I'm not sure b/c I used a condom and pulled out there were no holes in the condom, but I decided to support her decision of an abortion. It was truly a difficult decision but I felt my support was what she needed since we only told our closest friends and we couldn't bring ourselves to tell our parents. This has only compounded my phobia and it has since gotten worse. She is currently a week late and all that i can think of is: Is she pregnant? I constantly ask her if shes ok, does she feel like she is going to start, do you think your going to start. She reassures me that this is normal for her and that everything is fine. We haven't had an accident of any kind and I feel like a complete a$$hole for hounding her and possibly bringing up old wounds. I love her more than words can express and i feel like I'm driving a wedge between us. Any thoughts on combating my fears and putting us on track to normality.

[munkeyinblack]

Hey Donkey,
Sorry to hear your having such a rough time of it. I have experienced simillar issues but from a female point of view I also have a friend with a severe phobia of getting pregnant so dont worry you are not alone!

It can be hard to deal with but all i can suggest is take the precautions you are already. No system is full proof but some ways are more effective. I got the contraceptive implant put in which is really effective and stops periods all together so u have nothing at all to worry about for 3 years at a time so this is maybe soemthing to consider ? (obv under docs advice).

Have u ever tried councilling or therapy to try and understand why you feel this way ? This may also be an option .

let me know how you get on and if you ever need a chat give me a pm

munkey x

[donkey]

Hi Munkey,

It's nice to know other people are dealing my similar condition. Nice is relative of course it's just nice not to be alone. I really wouldn't wish this on anyone. I haven't tried therapy yet but plan on it soon. Financially I'm not in a position where I can afford it but once school starts back up and I start teaching again I will be able and more than willing too. My girlfriend is being as great as she can be in this stressful situation. Having been pregnant before she knows what it feels like and insists this is nothing like the last time and she is prone to missing periods. I want to take her word for it but it's agonizing with my "condition". I trust her with everything and i don't want this to tear us apart. If I didn't know how much I was hurting her it would be different but I am completely aware of my phobia and anxiety. I appreciate your kind words of support. I know there's nothing to fear but it's just tough to beat that into my head. I can't chat yet with the administrative hold on my new account but I can't wait to try and get what help I can once the chat option is open to me. Hope your day is going well.

Charles

[arie07123]

Hi I have just read your post, and I just couldn't not respond. I myself suffer from Tocophobia. and in some ways my situation is very similar to yours (except I am a woman) We have a 5 yr old son, but 6mths after I had him, I fell pregnant again, and since we were already living in a one bedroom apartment, having another child just wouldn't have been good for anyone, so I had to make what has turned out to be the hardest decision of my life. I too had a termination. It is something that I will regret till the day I die, but at the same time I know it was for the best. Now I have developed this overpowering fear of falling pregnant by 'accident' again. Even though now our lives are in a much better place and having another child would be a good thing (try telling Loopey loo in my head that though)
To say I am petrified is an understatement. I have even developed a very unhealthy obsession of taking pregnancy tests all the time (even when I am on my period!) You are very lucky to have such an understanding partner, although I am sure after her experience that she too would rather not fall 'accidently' pregnant again. She is also lucky to have a partner that cares enough about her to not put her in that position again. My partner doesn't understand my fear at all. He just sees it as irrational and to be honest I think he sees it as a pain in the arse.
I am on antidepressants and have recently started hypnotherapy and in 3 weeks satrt psychotherapy. I would advise you seek help too. It is nothing to be ashamed of, everyone has a fear of something, just sometimes some fears are worse than others.
If ever you need to talk please feel free to message me.
I hope you find peace.
Arienne

[Hannah_ORMedia]

Hello,

I am currently developing an idea for a documentary about women who would like to start a family but suffer with tokophobia (a fear of pregnancy or childbirth). I work for the OR Media, an award-winning documentary company who have a history of making sensitive films on a broad range of subjects, such as ‘I’m Coping’, a film about teenage mental health issues for the BBC.

I would be really interested in hearing from people who have reached a point in their life when they would very much like to start a family, but are held back by tokophobia, to find out more about their experiences. You can contact me on 020 7440 3427 or hannah@ormedia.co.uk Obviously any conversations would be treated completely confidentially.

Best wishes,

Hannah

[Anxious_gal]

HMM are you sure you got her pregnant and not someone else?
Seems hard if you used a condom and checked it for holes and pulled out.. Also are you sure she actually went and had a real abortion?
I had to ask because some women do lie and manipulated and I have seen this my self.

I can see why this did not help with your fear, Have you tried CBT therapy?