Is this recovery? DARE I hope?

[Gordon64]

Been 3 weeks since I had to come off the Mirtazapine-spent about the best part of that trying (unsuccessfully) to find another med to aid me. Am now on 7.5mg Mirt at night which replaces the anxiety in the morning with a grogginess/slight lethargy which is to my mind preferable.

The days after the withdrawal from the Mirtazapine were every bit as hellish as I'd been led to expect, won't go into them again but really felt as anxious/depressed as I had at the onset of this latest episode in about October last year.
Nevertheless somehow I have managed to keep myself in at work, and see my kids at (almost) the normal times recently. It has been bloody hard, and I am not saying there are still not moments of EXTREME doubt and anxiety, but there must be some inner strength in there which has kept me going. If I WAS going to implode I feel it would have happened by now.
But as with all of us there is a natural caution to my feelings of optimism-only those who have been through the nightmare that is depression/anxiety knows the true fear of it returning with a vengeance-I feel stronger however than I did and more "ready" for what the depression will try to do to me, almost a kind of "Bring it on, I know you, and I will meet you head on" mentality.
I never seriously contemplated doing anything to myself, but it is a fact that at it's height I really did wonder if it was worth going on, and that only the thought of what it would do to my kids stopped me from giving up the fight.
I am not kidding myself that life is perfect or that I don't have bad moments-I do-and that old cliche "one day at a time" has never been so true than it is for the depressed and anxious amongst us. It may be 5 months away but if I can keep myself in the workplace, seeing my kids regularly, and most importantly come through the dark days of winter relatively unscathed and into 2011 in better shape than a year before then I might truly believe I have turned the "metaphorical corner". Until then the doubts will always be there.
But at 45 I am finally I think beginning to accept myself with all my faults but also my good points, learning that it isn't a crime to give yourself praise on occasion, and if not letting the past go exactly then accepting it and realising that sadness is a part of life too and that one SHOULD embrace it and not avoid it if progress is to be made. To quote a James song that I like I think I finally might "know what I'm here for" and be able to live in the present at long last.

I know this is a rant but I offer it as hope and comfort to others on this forum who are suffering from this dread illness that there is light at the end of the tunnel-I felt as low as is possible without paying the ultimate price back at end of last year beginning of this one-I now look forward cautiously to a future with my kids and friends which will be better than before because of the lessons my depression has taught me. I am not there yet-may never be fully-it is a continuing journey but it IS worth the effort.

I love music and have many favourite songs but the words of one (again) by James come to mind (and I don't have the lyrics in front of me so apologies if I misquote)

Those who feel the breath of sadness sit down next to me,
Those who feel they're touched by madness sit down next to me,
Those who find themselves ridiculous sit down next to me,
In love, in pain, in fear and hate, in love, in pain in fear and hate...

It isn't my favourite of theirs but right now the lyrics seem to say it all for me.

To those who feel the same way I say keep fighting-you can find your path out of this.

I will keep posting 1/ because I am still enough of a pessimist to know I might go back the way and 2/ because this is a great site with so many good people on it all seeking the answers as I am.

Good luck to everybody and if I have cured anybody's insomnia with this lengthy diatribe then I have served a purpose. Humour too is so important my friends....

Gordon

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Gordon big (((hugs)) for getting this far on the road to recovery from anxiety and depression. There will be set backs and there will be times when you will wonder whether it will be worth carrying on. The important things to remember are that you are worth fighting for and worth carrying on for. Your family and your children will hopefully support you as much as they can. Here on NMP we will help support you and guide you through the darkness of depression. There are no easy answers and you might become ill again who knows. When I first become ill I thought that if I got married/had a baby / got a certain job I would never become ill/need treatment/need drugs again. You will get well again and I applaud your efforts and well done with your journey so far. EJ

[suzannacorfu]

Gordon, a really moving post! I am so pleased that you appear to have found some peace. I know exactly where you are coming from. Relapsing is another of our "anticipatory" fears! The bloody "What if..."
If there are any good times then I agree we should enjoy it for what it is: a good time. Sadness is a part of life and I too am learning that being sad and even down does not automatically mean that "AAAAA I AM RELAPSING!!". It just means that I am feeling down. If anything the forcing yourself to try and feel happy when you are sad causes more stress.
I am so proud of you having gone through all this and stayed in work and kept close to your kids. You are seriously a person worth knowing! I think that you too should be proud of yourself. What you have done (what we all do) is tough. Beating up on ourselves is how we got here!
Suz

[YvonneBelle]

But at 45 I am finally I think beginning to accept myself with all my faults but also my good points, learning that it isn't a crime to give yourself praise on occasion, and if not letting the past go exactly then accepting it and realising that sadness is a part of life too and that one SHOULD embrace it and not avoid it if progress is to be made.

Hi Gordon,

I'm only a couple of years behind and what you say here struck me the most. I think we all have the tendency to tell ourselves off to varying degrees instead of giving credit where credit is due as we would a friend. Nobody is perfect! As for letting the past go... that is very hard indeed if you still have emotions invested there.

Sadness is a part of life and we can't always have what we want but it's true that progress can still be made. For many years I've had feelings for someone I can't be with and it's caused a great deal of hurt, upset and anguish over the years because I've found it so difficult to let go of these feelings and move on. I sometimes think of all the parents who have ever lost children, wives who've lost husbands and vice-versa and think how terrible their pain must be. But your pain is your pain after all and you can't always measure it up against someone else's.

Over time, I've tried very hard to accept my situation and I'm not quite there yet but I do have a sense that progress is being made. It might not be obvious from day to day but the more time that passes, the more perspective I seem to have. Close up I just couldn't see the bigger picture and was totally immersed in all of these big emotions that I found really overwhelming. They sometimes re-surface but mostly I have them under wraps as part of my heart's history book.

I hope things continue to improve for you. Even though I'm taking Citalopram and feel so much better I'm under no illusion that life is going to quit throwing me challenges. I just think I'll be slightly better equipped to deal with them until the time comes when I feel strong enough to wean myself off and back into some kind of normality.

Sounds like you've been battling through a long time but from the sound of your post, some (cautious) positive thinking is doing you good. Go ahead and think positively!! It certainly can't do you any harm and it won't jinx you.

Yvonne

[Gordon64]

Thanks to all who have replied so far with the kind comments-to EJ whose responses to my posts have been such a support to me and to Yvonne and Suzanna too-I know there will be bumps along the way and am under no illusions as to the future difficulties I may face-my attitude to meds is that at the moment I am fine on the small dose I am taking-however if I need more at a future point then I will accept it without being too hard on myself.
It's true what you all say-we can only enjoy the good moments when they come and (Try to) keep a sense of perspective on the bad ones when they rear their ugly head. Are we ever "cured"? I don't know the answer to that one guess I just feel there is a greater resilience within me at the moment which hopefully will stand me in good stead. That "What if" is a bu**er though isn't it?!
This site as I have said before has been a real boon for me-whether it has been to just sound off, to pass on experience and support or to seek answers from fellow sufferers it has helped enormously to know I am not alone in this battle.

I do have regrets from the past obviously and there are things I wish I could have done differently but anyone I hurt it was not a conscious thing-I get the impression there are others with these same items of "baggage" but we HAVE to forgive ourselves eventually don't we? And yes our pain is OUR pain-my experiences are nowhere near as traumatic as many others but yet the end result is a prison of depression which we can only keep trying to get out of.

Many thanks for your replies and support.

G

[NickT]

Gordon- this is a really moving and eloquent post. I really admire the way you can express yourself, and the strength of character that comes through in your words. For me, what you say about accepting yourself is absolutely fundamental to coming to terms with, and moving through, depression. And I think the 'accepting' bit is key- I don't think its necessarily possible for us to 'love ourselves' as many of the self-help books and websites I've looked at over the years proclaim. To me, the key is to able to sit in our own skins and embrace all that we are, but I know its easier said that than done. I'd really like to hear more about how you've begun to accept yourself for who you are, and whats helped you to progress.

Reason I'm so interested in this is that its only in the past year that I've finally begun to look at, and come to terms, with the real me. And I'm finding it really bloody hard as a part of me still wants to run away from who I am and carry on behaving in ways, and holding beliefs, that aren't in my best interest. Sorry if this all sounds a bit vague- I'm not normally one for quotes or affirmations but I think the following by Virginia Satir really captures what I'm babbling on about:

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.

Anyway, your posting inspired me to wibble on like this, so you've only got yourself to blame ! Seriously though, anyone who can write with the clarity and honesty that you can deserves to be happy. So you've got me rooting for you. Nick

[suzannacorfu]

Gordon, you said the prison of depression which is a good term. The one thing that I had a hard time realising is that yes depression IS a prison but it's a prison with open doors and we are the only guards on watch! It seems to me that it should be quite easy for me to slip past me when I'm not looking and reach freedom right? I mean, I MUST sleep at some point? Well then there's my chance!! So how about the next time (if there IS a next time) we put ourselves back into prison we try bribing the guard? Maybe befriending him/her might work? Who knows: maybe he/she might even help us "escape".
Suz

[Gordon64]

To Nick-thank you for the kind comments. Eloquent-well I don't know about that but I do find it easier writing down my thoughts sometimes as I can then read it back and implant it in the old grey matter. I am sure like many others on here I am guilty of over-analysis at times but if I am it is simply to try to find out about myself and retain the qualities which I deem to be beneficial and discard those which are dragging me down. Yes I am aware that is a (VERY) paraphrased version of the quote you mentioned in your post but what a true quote it is-it really made sense to me-I agree with you Nick that the whole "loving oneself" stuff in self help books/websites does not truly resonate with me (maybe it's a male thing?!) but ACCEPTING oneself and being comfortable in one's own skin-now THAT is something worth pursuing. Any more usage of "one" and I'll be getting invited to Buck House!! And I ain't no Monarchist!!
As for why I am slowly turning around my thinking well counselling has helped-my sessions have tended to be me talking (no surprise there!) with occasional interjections by the counsellor when an important point has to be made-but I have emerged from each session sometimes confused but usually with something new to consider. Mainly though (and I know it sounds a bit trite and simplistic) but I think I just got sheer FED UP of constantly berating myself and emotionally beating myself up and just decided to Hell with it time for a new way of looking at this-not saying it's easy mind!! It is a constant process.

Suz-I cannot lay claim to credit for the prison analogy-it has been used by many before me and particularly in Dorothy Rowe's excellent book "Depression-the way out of your prison" which I heartily recommend. It is NOT an easy read and requires a lot from it's reader but it is worth persevering with as most of what she says (to me) makes a lot of sense-just don't go buying it expecting an easy ride-it isn't there! "Beyond Fear" is also worth a read too, though many of the points in each book overlap.

But you are right Suz-WE are our own jailors-to wake up in the morning and be blissfully unaware of anything happening outside cos your mind is full of dread and fear isn't a good place to be. Maybe it is time to metaphorically "cosh" that bloody guard and let ourselves out into the open whatever it entails.

I do go on I know but it really helps.

Thanks again

G

[suzannacorfu]

Yes Dorothy Rowe is amazing. I have read ALL of her books. I adore her generosity. Gordon one note: please stop apologising for "going on". Surely the fact that we are here discussing this at length with you should make you realise that you are worth listening to!!!!! No-one is forcing us to read your posts!!! LOL
Suz

[suzannacorfu]

Sorry if that sounded weird. I onlyu mentioned it because I too was always apologising for existing!! Now I ramble and "go on"! I reckon that if someone sits there reading it then that's their own damn fault!!!
Suz