Hello.
I feel somewhat fraudulent posting here as so many people are pointing out to me that I really have more to be thankful/happy about than most. This is something that I can see, but their comments more than anything, show me how little they know about how I’m feeling and just how very, very low/anxious/depressed I have been feeling for the last….well, four years.
I guess I should explain what the situation is. I am 36 and suffer greatly with GAD and Health Anxiety. My family lost my Dad to cancer just over four years ago and since then I have had numerous bouts of HA varying from the mild to the almost debilitating. My Mam and Dad lived in Cumbria (Mam still lives there) and my wife, son and I live in the South West midlands. We have been living here for the last ten years so are fairly well established although I have always felt unsettled and considered Cumbria as my home. I think this has fed into my appalling GAD in many ways – having no support around us, my wife and I having to rely on ourselves for everything etc.
When we lost my Dad, I was studying my degree as a mature student. We were living on my wife’s sole wage and we had a small baby. My whole idea of reality was completely obliterated. My biological father abandoned my Mam and I when I was three and he has never been in contact since. So, after losing one father (which has I believe resulted in massive insecurities throughout my life and probably had a major part to play in the disproportionate amount of anxiety I live with) cancer takes the man away from me who was the best father a boy could have. And, just at a time when I was facing many of the stark realities of becoming a father myself; just when I needed him most. I don’t blame him (perhaps he should have kept an eye on his health more but I just miss him so very, very much). Being so far away from Cumbria was and continues to be torturous, as I can’t help feeling that I have abandoned my Mam, even though we are very close and are in daily contact via phone, email and Skype. Even with regular contact I know in my heart of hearts that it’s no substitute for a cuddle from her Grandson or me when she struggles with the loss of Dad.
Mostly, I drift along each day with the dull numbness that has been present since my Dad died. A friend said to me the other day “You know, it’s OK to let the grief go, especially as it’s been so long” – like I’m holding onto the grief and wanting to feel so…………..well, that’s the point, I don’t really feel like anything. I can honestly say that in the last four years I have not had that warm feeling of happiness that any normal person should have from time to time. I love my wife and son so, so much but I feel like this thin ghost of the person I once was. My scale never seems to register higher than mild hopelessness, and that really is no exaggeration.
My Mam visited us a few weeks ago as we have moved into a new house after I got a job I’ve been after for some months (and yes, even this wonderful things didn’t elicit anything more than bouts of anxiety and bad temperedness in me). While we were alone she became extremely upset and let it slip that she feels that she is missing us all terribly and that she feels she is missing out on my son growing up. Normally, she is very overt in telling me that as long as I am happy doing what I want to be doing then she is happy too, but I know this is something of a front she is putting up. I’m an only child so I have no siblings I can pass what I feel to be a massive burden onto for a while. After we had this talk, I felt more stressed than I had done for a long, long time. My HA is sky high and I’m suffering with all sorts of physical symptoms which feed into that awful cycle of HA. To be honest, the HA is the least of my worries at the moment.
So, new house, new job, beautiful wife and child, relatively healthy, no more money worries than most and I just can’t get happy. It’s like the part of me that experiences happiness has been removed and I’m fast becoming this withered shell of a person who is nothing but depressing to be around. I know my wife resolve for all this is fast running out. But I’m caught between the life we have here (which although doesn’t give me that honest happiness I used to experience before all this shit came down, it’s the closest thing I have to it) and the heart wrenching compulsion I feel to my Mam back in Cumbria and the sense of duty I feel to being closer to her with my small family.
My wife’s career is blossoming where we are and I know that I am blessed to be working in a job that fulfils me. The opportunities where we live are so much better than back home in Cumbria and I think it would be tantamount to professional suicide to up sticks and move back, but this is the thing that is causing me so, so much difficulty. I want to be closer to my Mam and have her share in the day to day lives we have, but it would mean leaving behind what we have worked so hard for over the last eight or so years.
I know that if my Dad could/can see all of this going on down here then he’d be distraught at the fact that his passing has sucked so much of the life from me but believe me, it’s not a conscious decision I make to feel like this and I would give almost anything to be able to get up in the morning and just have that feeling that today is going to be a really good day, to see the beauty in the world again, to get through a day without feeling the sickening pang of anxiety and fear and guilt.
I’ve left out much of that which contributes to my GAD, as it seems this is a long enough post and I’m not exactly sure of what responses it’ll get. Apologies if I sound like I’m whining but I’ve never been so weary and exhausted with all of this, I simply don’t want to feel like this anymore.
D
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