True happiness is that possible after anxiety and panic?

[Granny Primark]

I took my grandaughter to playgroup yesterday and one of my daughters old teachers started talking to me and asking me advice.
She told me one of her friends had started suffering with panic attacks and that her daughter had rang her and told her how much her mum had changed.
She told me how much her friend had changed and that she never seemed the happy person she used to be and when she did laugh it seemed like a forced laugh.
That so reminded me of myself and I just hope my family dont realise that.
I feel constantly guilty.

When I laugh it doesnt come from the heart anymore.
I have the most terrible morbid thoughts even though im on anti depressants and my hubbys gone out of his way to try and help me feel happy.
Im sure the unhappiness I feel is partly due to the fact that ive got an illness that no one can see or understand and the guilt I feel for letting people down that I dearly love.

[suzannacorfu]

Dear Lynn, dear Lynn how I understand you but please be assured that happiness is achieveable after GAD, depression and panic. Happiness is not a permanent state even for those who do NOT suffer from our disorder! There are moments of happiness for EVERYONE! You WILL feel happiness again but if you can accept that you may also feel panic, anxiety and sadness too then you will feel more "balanced".
I too have suffered as you do and no I have realised that when happiness DOES come I need to ENJOY it for as long as it lasts! One thing that we depression/panic/GAD sufferers do is to think that everyone else is ecstatically HAPPY all the time! They are not. Neither were we before this disorder. I started to notice that I small anxiety attack at the local shop would ruin a day: "Oh God, it's back" or "What a failure I am" or "Everyone else copes but me". Now I still get the attacks but I isolate them. This afternoon I wanted to buy some toys for the new puppy and I started shaking in the shop. Before I would have returned home and berated myself for this. Now I just laugh (YES LAUGH FORCED) and say oh well that's one attack less for me to have!
Just as happiness is MOMENTS so are attacks. It's just that we ruminate on the bad and don't really appreciate to the full the good moments. But they ARE there dear Lynn.
Guilt is one of the main reasons that we have depression and panic Lynn. Guilt is a completely USELESS emotion. It does nothing but cause us pain.
I promise you that happiness is there in your future. I promise. Maybe we just need to realie that happiness is not an emotion that starts in the morning and stays with us all day! It's moments. So let's try and make the sadness and fear moments and the happiness too!
Take care and never feel guilty lovely lady.
Think of how you feel about drinking a glass of water. Nothing special right? Why not have a Coke, tea, coffee whatever? If you were in the desert though a glass of water would seem to be amazing to you! Think of happiness like that glass of water!!!
Suz

[Lynnann]

Hi Lynn,

You will get there, you have had soo much to contend with alongside your anxiety.
you amaze me at times with your ability to comfort others and make them laugh.
you will be truly happy again, this much I am sure of

Lynnann

[Granny Primark]

Your reply has given me so much to think about.
It makes so much sense.
But im 56 now and wonder if ive got anything left to give.
I was a a carer both on the community and in nursing homes, now i cant even care for myself.
Although im proud to say im a good nanny.
But going out on my own is a struggle.
The moribd thoughts just wont go away. My mum died young.
Im scared my mum never saw my daughter i get scared I wont see my daughters daughter grow up.
Shes me sunshine.
I want me sons girls grow up with their nanny and grandad.
Thank you suz xxxxxxxx

[suzannacorfu]

Lynn I am 53 and what you are feeling is perfectly natural! We have suddenly come face to face with our sell-by date!!!! I struggle to go out too Lynn and I get mad at myself just like you do but this is so unfair!!!! You were a Carer darlin'. CARE FOR LYNN!!!!!! Why are you being so hard on yourself? If I had written what you wrote what would you say to me? Be honest, please! Just go and sit alone for a minute and tell yourself what you would tell someone else who was in your position. You have loads left to give! Just not right now! Believe me people who have nothing to give don't sit and fret about not giving!! If you had a broken leg you would have to do less and rest in order to get back into things. Well, you've got a broken Lynn and it needs rest. Give yourself a break!
No-one can promise you or me that we won't die young Lynn. So how about this: since we are not sure when it will happen how's about we start fully enjoying the here and now which we DO have? So let's start a competition yu and me and of course anyone else who would like to join us:
Let's put down here every day a happy second that happens every day. I bet that if we put it down on here we'd be amazed at how many times a day we could laugh!!
So what do you say? Shall we start a "Happy Moment Today" thread? Are you with me?
Suz

[Lynnann]

Hi Suz,

Think that is a fantastic idea, I bet lynn will surprise herself by happy moments
my happy moment today was finding out a friend of mines father was not losing his sight as he had previously been told

Lynnann

[suzannacorfu]

Hey Lynnann! Way to go! OK I am going to start a new thread on it and let's see where this goes. Please post!
Suz

[Granny Primark]

Brill idea.
Thanks xxxxxxxxxxx