More on Dating and Social Phobia

[NeedforChange]

So I'm a 21 year old guy in college. I've been sexually intimate with a good number of girls but what I really want is a meaningful relationship.

I find it hard to progress past anything casual with women because once they really get to know me I worry that they will discover that I have issues with anxiety and think I am not masculine and lose all attraction they have towards me.

Is my perspective here accurate? Anyone else feel similar?
I'd really appreciate it if anyone has suggestions on ways I could open up without making myself feel too vulnerable.

[absentia]

Well, you have done well to get sexually intimate! I don't think I could achieve that. I know exactly what you mean though. I don't feel alpha male enough to be accepted by a woman. It's not that I am not exactly manly, but to have such a fear of things it makes me feel very feeble and unnattractive. We are probably just being stupid, but the fear of being rejected for these reasons prevents me from challenging that belief.

[CJA09]

Hey guys, speaking as a 27 yr old female I think that you both should go for it. If you find a woman that you click with and feel you can 100% be yourself with then you won't have to worry about your anxiety getting in the way because if you tell her and show her the real you, warts n' all and she doesn't want to know you or thinks less of you then she seriously isn't worth it and it wouldn't last long term. I think you'll be surprised at the reaction you'll get too, I wouldn't look at it as a weakness I'd look at it as a sensitive guy who knows himself well and acknowledges things he finds tough. I'd be touched that a guy had the courage to share something so personal with me.
You've got nothing to lose! If they can't accept and love everything about you it ain't gonna last! And if ya brave and put yaself out there you could end up finding something extremely special!!

[StoneMonkey]

Hi Needforchange,
Time is most definitely on your side. Keep having fun and be open to everyone.
As with people without anxiety its a numbers game. There are friends aquaintances, lovers and partners and all are important.
I was mid 20's before a four year relationship and early 30's before a nine year relationship.
"Alpha Male" nah just me and if thats not enough set em free.

Niether relationship ended due to my anxiety its all the usual real world stuff (Finances, drifting apart, not being happy).
When meeting someone new I would concentrate on my good points as long as I could. There is more to us than the effects of anxiety. You will know after a while when you have met someone that is suitable to open up to and it can be an extremely intimate moment to reveal such a sensitive side.

A point to remember though is that when loved we can feel a lot better about ourselves but it is unlikely that they can fix us. We can become comfortable with our limitations but that is still our work to do.

Simon.

[xfilme]

I feel exactly the same. Ive been single for 8 years, because I dont think anyone could possibly be attracted me. Im not unattractive, I just dont feel worthy, mostly due to being bullied relentlessly from primary school through to college.

[Erin27]

Hi Xfilme,

I just read your post and thought it sounded quite similar to me. I'm not sure how old you are but the circumstances you describe sound a lot the same. I, until recently had been single around 8 years (I'm 27) and it's only now that I have managed to meet someone who gets me and who I really click with.

The trouble is, although he knows I'm a bit of a stressor and I tend to have wee panics, he has NO idea about the extent of it... He has no idea about the depression I've suffered since I was 15, the medication I'm on, the panic / anxiety attacks I suffer, and most importantly.... the fact I'm suffering so much at the moment!!!

I'm trying desperately to hide all of this from him as he seems very 'together' and quite 'happy-go-lucky' so I don't want to rock the boat and let him see the real me.... But gradually, as I get to know him better, I'm opening up and hope that eventually I can tell him. I believe its better to be open and be yourself. Any time I have said anything about being stressed / nervous / anxious (although I've played it down quite a lot) he's been very understanding / reassuring and even just telling him a little of what I'm feeling has helped.

You will meet someone who is just as understanding and I'm sure you'll find your own way of expressing yourself. And I agree with the other posts, if she likes you for you she will understand, if not, you can move on until you find the one who DOES understand. It's not easy, believe me!!! I'm really struggling just now, but I'm hoping that gradually itl get easier the more I get to know him.

As for the bullying, I was bullied for years at Primary school and believe it still has an affect on me.... however, I choose not to dwell on it and keep telling myself that I have moved on so much since then and am my own, STRONG person because of all of the things I have dealt with and come through.... you are much stronger than you think!!!

The same goes for you, Needforchange!! You are doing well to explore possibilities and experiences, and eventually you will be able to open up more and more... find the right person. But there is also a lot to be said for self-discovery first too!! Good luck!

x

[johnno]

hey there , i was explaining this yday at the meetup here near my city . when i get close to someone i seem to freak out . and you put it well i dont like been around someone when im feeling really anxious because im dull , quiet , find it so hard to think of things to say etc and i end up feeling really insecure , its really difficult

[Erin27]

Hi Johnno,

I totally get what you're saying. As I said in the above post, I am trying to gradually open up a bit to my new boyfriend about the anxiety I'm suffering, and hope that eventually I can tell him fully what's going on. But you're right, it's so hard when you're actually feeling the symptoms when with the person... I have the same concerns about seeming boring, etc. I think a lot of the problem there, is thinking about it too much n over-analysing my actions, thoughts, how I'm coming across to him, etc.

I guess these things take time to resolve in our heads and hopefully eventually we can become close enough / comfortable enough with someone to not let it be such a big issue.

For now, I'm just trying to work my way through. So many times before I've given up before I'v gotten to this stage (nearly 3 months) but think this one is worth persevering with!!! All the best.

[johnno]

thanks erin .

yeah it can be frustrating .
i find it most difficult when its obvious person am with wants a laugh and stuff but i just havent got it in me to laugh along kind of thing because i feel soo dull n stuff . its annoying in a sense . but i think its accepting it aint it and kind of not taking our thoughts of this too seriously and then eventually thoughts will lose their power when we dont hold them to be true how long you been with your bf ? congrats by the way

[Erin27]

You're right, sometimes we can get so bogged down by things in our head that we forget to take life a little less seriously. I sometimes try the STOP technique:

When I feel negative / scary / irrational thoughts creeping in, I imagine a big hand in my mind's eye with a big red stop sign on it. This initially puts a pause in my track of thoughts and takes my mind elsewhere. Then I sing a wee song in my head (still imagining the big stop sign) and if I focus on the song and picturing the red stop sign, it detracts from my previous thoughts and stops them before they grow arms and legs in my head and become out of control. By this time, someone has maybe spoken and changed the subject or something else has happened to distract me and I'm able to then focus on something else.

Its quite a bit easier in theory than in reality and takes a lot of practise, but its something you could maybe try?
Been dating him for 3 months... its getting a bit harder to hide the real me as such, but also the more I get to know him, the more I realise that hes very understanding, so fingers crossed!!!