New Here - New to Cit

[Dragonsblonde]

Hi All

Well after scanning some pages for a while have finally gotten up some courage to post.

About me - I'm 36, female happily married and now been hit with Anxiety. Have had one bad epsiode of it a couple of years ago and a couple of minor freezes inbetween, but last monday had some extreme work stress happening as well as coming off of a course of tramadol and being on my own all week seemed to trigger a panic attack. After that the anxiety hit!

Even after the stress was resolved the anxiety stayed and stayed.....and then woke up at 4am and went right into a panic attack. As it wasn't my first time I saw my GP 5 days ago and started 10mg CIT that day and am taking it first thing in the morning on an empty stomach as I am still struggling with food.

Anxiety seemed to get worse with trembling in arms and legs, Some headaches (and dashing to the loo - happy to know immodium still exists). Sleep was affected too at the start (although I slept a bit better last night). Today I feel a little better I think, things are a bit duller in the brain although still physically anxious and thughts still working a bit on overtime

Have found some massive anxiety in the mornings which calms through the day.
During the anxiety was very scared to eat - and still struggling at the thought of eating - then I worry about not ever being able to eat properly again. Am taking some food on board though (again easier in the evenings)

I guess I felt like a total failure at accepting medication as I am one of life's "fixers" and felt hopeless that I couln't "fix" myself.

Biggest fear I suppose is that I will never recover and I just want to be me again.

I have also been referred to our local Mental Health team to look into CBT and have contacted my counselling team at work and have an appointment on monday to see them.

Bit of an essay, but not really sure what to say or what to do.....

If anyone has anything to say to help I would always be grateful, about the pills, CBT and counselling or just to find a light and the end of this very scary and unexpected tunnel I find myself in. Never realised the fear of fear could hit me or feel this bad

Thanks

[gregcool]

Hi Dragonsblonde
sorry to hear of your bad times , but i have been in this forum for just over a week now and have found it very very helpfull with some realy good advice and conmfort from people...i have been in cit now for a week and the first few days were terifiying im telling you,everyone is different but all seem to have very simular excperiance at the begining so i know what you meen about panic attacks and fear feelings and chatter ,box brain ect very negitive feelings and thaughts the list goes on doesnt it,But! i will tell you it does and WILL calm down and from what i have read you will benifit from your meds in the end , you just have to see it out , which is realy hard on its own.im still now after a week have ing some good moments and then still side effects so its very frustration i know we are all with you on that one so hold in there and im telling you , you will get through this and out the other side,keep tellking yourself this two,dont let yourself get caught up in the negitive thinking loop and falling back,,,its all in the mind and keep telling yourself ( YOU ARE IN CONTROL ) of your mind ,,it will have a positive efect in time but you must meen it.....take care speek again some time soon....xx GREG

[happycamper]

Hey there,
Just wanted to say hi as I've been on cit for coming up 5 weeks now prescribed for anxiety that was worsening over the last 3 years, I'm 40 and never had anything like it before.
I too struggled with accepting taking anti d's, found this site then after 2 weeks of them hidden away I started taking half a tablet as scared of the side effect which were as covered comprehensively on this site, i experienced them but they were manageable, still went to work etc.
Now I'm taking the full 20mg and side effects hardly there, bit groggy 1st thing in a morning that's all. Anxiety wise the nasty debilitating episodes have gone since started the cit, maybe part of it had been me accepting I need help and not internalising it any more, but I'm so glad to be anxiety free for all this time.
Also looking into other things such as 'mindfulness' to get me in good mental habits.

Hope this is useful. X

[Dragonsblonde]

Hi Guys

Can't express how grateful I am to you for the responses.

I have opened up to people this time around which has been amazing, but also left me feeling oddly more vunerable! No win situation I guess to start with

Tonight for the first time in two weeks actually ate (and enjoyed!) my tea and even had some pudding....am so grateful to my very supportive husband

I am listing today as a good day (hope for many more), but alos to hold in mind if I dip back down again. Starting back at work tomorrow and am both nervous and pleased to be going back I suppose. Am also grateful that I opened up to some good people at work so they know what to expect...

Thanks again, and my hopes and wishes for you aswell as we ride this road to recovery

Jo

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi and welcome to NMP Paige x

[gregcool]

Well done thats the spirit,,,When i read your lasy message itsounded very positive all the way through,so you have def picked up a gear and eating again will help your spirit to lift,,,day 2 eating for me is just norm again breakfast dinner and tea and even an extra craving for food latter so eating will get fully restored just keep puting the food in and allways remember....one day at a time,,,worry about tomorow ,TOMOROW now today get through one day and prais yourself for your achivements and improvements in that day,before you know it you wont even think about each day on cit you will just be waking as normal.....Its good your hubby is realy supportive not all people have that,my wife tries but i think she does it out of duty more...well she is trying but i am strong two ....good luck darling and dont for get ....unlike your fears (we will allways be hear ) for you ...Greg x

[Dragonsblonde]

Afternoon

I have just had my first chat with a works counsellor today. This was just the introductory sessions to chat over where I am right now and things like that.

He is suggesting moving forward with some Person Centred counselling with some added pieces of CBT etc for the next six weeks. I know very little about all of this and actually found it quite hard to take the lead in my own recovery.

I seemed to feel a little "odd" and in a way and maybe a little sad. Possibly as I am coming to terms with the lack of an "instant cure" (wishful thinking I know) and dealing with my anxiety this time round rather than just bottling it all back up until it goes away.

Some minor anxiety this morning. but am typing this from my desk at work so I managed through it. Still can't quite stop hoping that tomorrow and every day after will be anxiety free though

[gregcool]

Dragonsblonde Being told and coming to tearms of your needs is the first step to recovery.once you recognize your symptms and condition you can then deal with it and try to get back some of the old you...
Its sad and its hard and it bloody hurts when you feel like you do , and see everyone around you ( NORMAL )and you cnt be impulsive and do the things they JUST do you feel left out on your own and restricted in life not having a full life..
Well this is how it all makes us feel and this makes us feel like it will never go and so we get thinking more and more negitive so we never get better..
But you are allready on the road to recovery by recognizing your needs and seeking help and advice...so you will learn what you need to do to gain back that natural confidence in yourself again,but it wont be easy and it will take some time you will have ups and downs,but try to allways remember the ups and do not dwell on the downs.easy said then done i know, but this is the way you have to try and think while you recover..There is no instant cure i found this out years ago when i had my first bout of anxiety and depresion and agraphobia i was very unwell for 5 years spending every day in a trans like way feeling detatched from the real; world and having someone living with me in my tiny flat all that time ..i couldnt go out i had horible panic atacks and severe agraphobia for so many things and couldnt sleep i was on heavy sleeping tablets and anti depresants etc etc you know the rest,i was only 27 and felt my life was screewed for ever terible anxious all the time with constant negitive thaughts going through my head and all day and night,just waking in the night for more and more shit , i justy felt this is it,IV had it,i had no support in my familly the doctors then didnt realy know what they were doing..
But then one day i just woke up and something was just different , my mind felt the calmest for 5 years and i was thinking normall thaught for my self and this was the first day of my recovery,,,and i made a full recovery from it all...I WAS NORMALL AGAIN,/and lived my life for 15 years free of it all....up autill 4 years ago when i whitnesed a good friend of mine hang himself and for some reason i got back all the anxiety feelings again and agraphobia disorder again.....but i took no medication for this and had some councilling and 3 years on recoverd 85 % me again there was and allways has been just that little bit of me not quite happy with life , but i did give up heavy smoking and heavy drinking at the same time so didnt do to bad,,,,,but that litle bit still there and so the doc put me on these things as you are and now feel worse on them as the side efects are still hanging around,,,,,i am quite a strong person and beleive you have to have good strength to battle these mid games you get...but if like me you can beleive oin yourself a bit more ,,,YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT AND YOU CAN SEE BY MY PAST ....IF I CAN AND COMPLETLEY RECOVER .....SO CAN YOU,,,,,GIVE IT TIME,BECAUSE THEY ALLWAYS SAY THAT TIME IS A GREAT HEALER FOR THE MIND.......XX

[Dragonsblonde]

Hi again

Firstly, thank you for taking such time to answer me and also in your openess and honesty. It really does make a difference to have people who understand and who have been through some tough times around you.

After the counselling today I have had many ups and downs. Rallied this afternoon at work and then when it came to coming home again I dipped a bit. Knowing I had my attack at home and when alone was a bit scary and I guess it holds some memories. My partner is great, but does work shifts so am often home alone. Just another hurdle to tackle and beat though I guess.

The main feelings today have really been those of a little sadness. Almost a "how did I get here?", when life used to seem so easy. Also probably still adjusting to the CIT (only day 6) and with a doctors appt tomorrow and then will she up the meds and if so will I get more anxiety back normal worries.

Also just to get it out there, I have an issue with food. I have a bit of mindblock about not eating. I worry i can't eat and then work myself up to the point where I actually can't. Logically I know I can and in fact over the past 3 days have started eating much better. I know this comes from watching my mum decline rapidly after losing my dad and watching her basically starve herself to death over 6 months.

The fear of becoming her and following the same route.....and the fear of fear of suddenly slipping into madness and losing control....

Anyway another essay for those who care to read to work through. Even if no-one responds I guess it is good to get these thoughts out

Jo

[gregcool]

ahh Dragonsblonde so sorry to hear you are having a hard time.
as for the panic attacks you r having its very important you do not let them take over your mind and possitive thinking ( again i know its easy sad then done ) but this is the methord you need to try and beleve in,on adaily basis.
while the cit ios ajusting in your system you will feel more anxious then ever for a while and suffer more atacks while your body ajusts to them,so a good thing in this eary time is not to over challenge yourself or places as your anxiety is higher at this time and so you will fell very negitive about things m DO NOT dwell on your past and except your present time in life as it is ( again not easy when you miss NORMAL life ) but you have to try not to focus on your past, i used to do this a lot and you feel sorry for yourself more and become tearfull feeling THIS IS IT FOR ME and never beleive you can get beter and so you make yourself far mor anxious and tune in even more to your body feelings and the horrid circle goes on and on leaving you feeling like you are getting worse and leaving you draned aand with little hope and belef in yourself.
as for the atack you had at home you must face and except this...telling yourself that you are safe and nothing can hurt you....and its just the side efects which is totaly NORMAL even at your home,,,if you start to avoid things in fear of an atack , you will make things harder in the future ...try to face your feers and allways remeber ( NOTHING IS GOING TO HURT YOU , YOU WONT STOP BREATHING,YOU R NOT GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD,,,AND NO ONE IS LAUGHING OR STARING AT YOU.) if you ever experiance a feeling of UNREALIZUM...where you feel like you r in a weird world or not on this planet ....this is norm to feel sometimes and people like us with anxiety just feel it more and focus on it,,,,its normal...and so is feeling feer.We just have to learn how to except feer and confront it...
you will get your life back IN TIME but you have to unlock your self again,and release your spirit and confidence.IT WILL TAKE TIME rome was not built in a day and the brain has taken millions of years to get where we are today...its a very complecated peice ....its like a ver very complex computer...and you need to re programe yours

showing it the way to think and act again,just like we did when we were babys....and you WILL feel good again just try to beleive in yourself...remember while on the medication the side effects could last upto 4 weeks so the feelings you r getting are more l likly to be the side efects making you feel so bad,,,,They will get better i prommis.....they are different for everyone some have strong side efects for 1 week then lingering things for the next 3 weeks or so and some people dont even get them.....Try to hold on in there and you will feel less anxious soon ,,if the side efects get to umberable go to your doctor...and he or she will advise further....
Hold in there when you r ready chalenge your fear and places od atacks get cognative theropy and support groups and you WILL soon be on the road to recovery....give me a pm anytime you want to chat...Greg x