HIV anxiety

[worriedmummy1]

Hi, well as the title says my anxiety is all based around HIV. This is long so please bare with me. Somehow I have managed to convince myself I have it for the following reason - I gave birth to my daughter 5 weeks ago and about 2 weeks after remembered I had used the toilet on the maternity ward and after I got up I noticed a very small amount of blood on the seat. I started to think what if it was not my blood and it was from a HIV+ person and somehow when I wiped myself I managed to get this in to my second degree tear which was stitched. My midwife reasurred me that there would not be a HIV+ patient on the ward, as we are all screened in early pregnancy, so that put that one to rest for me.

Then I remembered that I had used the toilet in the mother and baby room in our local shopping centre at 11 days after birth and have started to panic with this going around my head:
- what if I hadnt looked at the seat properly and there was some HIV+ body fluid on the seat and I managed to get it on the toilet paper and into my tear.
- what if there was something on the toilet paper (which it took from the dispenser)
- what if I had a cut on the back of my leg that touched the seat and I didnt know and I sat on some HIV+ body fluid.

I know all of this sounds crazy and when I talk to friends and family they all say I am worrying myself over nothing. My GP has told me that I would need to sit with my open wound directly on some fluid, which obviously I didnt because this part of my body was over centre of the toilet.

Also I have read that HIV is very hard to contract through sex, but have read that blood to blood contact can cause infection. So my mind is saying what if there was some blood on the seat and if my tear hadnt quite healed would this be blood to blood contact? My midwife has reasurred me that my thoughts are nonsense and again that HIV is very hard to contract.

I am currently taking a course of citalopram and have been on it for 2 weeks and things seems to be getting a little better, but I just cant shake these last thoughts.

My husband keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about, that you cannot catch it from toilet seats and that the virus cannot survive outside of the body, which I have read and know, but it wont sink in!! I then get scared that 'what if' everyone is wrong and in a few years we find out I have it! But, I am too scared to get a test for fear of the result, but my husband, mum and GP have said there is no need for a test as there is nothing to find. The GP has only suggested one to put my mind at rest, they do not think I need one.

Sorry for it being so long, I just needed to get it off my chest. I really need to break this cycle, and stop looking on the internet. x

[peter34uk]

Listen to me. YOU DONT HAVE IT.

If that spec of blood was originally contaminated then by the time you reached it the virus would have died. It only takes minutes in the iopne to die.

But also, before you sat down, did you not notice the red spec? Are you sure it wasnt from you??

How did you come to notice it AFTER you sat down. I know when I go to the loo I check the seat as instinct incase someone peed on it or something.

But to be honest with you, I reckon you wont get any peace untill you get tested.

So why dont you just go and get it done??

Either way I know what the result will be.

[worriedmummy1]

Thank you for your reply. I was actually tested as part of the screening process at the beginning of my pregnancy in November 2009, which was negative.

I just need to be able to break this cycle of thoughts.

[peter34uk]

what will break it is if u face it head on and take another test to give you peace of mind!

But I can tell you now u dont have it.

I went from the age of 22 to now even thinking i might have it. Im 36 now. Trust me its not worth threating that amount of time over it!

[sugarpuff]

Hi, i can sympathise with you i have the same anxiety, i think most people here have been anxious about HIV at some point. my anxiety is a lttle different im convinced i have or will step on a needle, common sense would tell me that i would know if i stepped on a needle but thats not the way it works anxiety is all about the what if this what if that,and the thought process is like being on a merry go round.
However having suffered with this HA for a year now, and been tested 3 times, my doctor has tried to educate me a little, and it helps for a while at least.
Peter 34 is right, you dont have it, the virus dies on contact with air. all mums in the hospital like you would have been tested so there was no risk.
as for the shopping centre like i say above to many what if's, its the anxiety i think when anyone uses a public toilet the natural instinct to check the seat, without actaully thinking i must check, if that makes sense!, yes its irrational but to you and I these thoughts feel very real, but listen to your doctor, nurse and husband they are right, stick with the meds they do help
good luck XXX

[LisaLisa]

Hi there

I hope your okay. Listen, you DONT need to retest base on this situation. You have anxiety and are being irrational as result of this. Sorry if that sounds blunt but I have been exactl;y where you are.

After i had my daughter i was very obsessional about HIV ( still am but nowhere near like then) and a few other things too.

Its sounds like you are fixated and as a result are blowing the chances totatlly out of proportion and demanding an absolute answer to something that just needs to be forgotten about.

Try very hard to keeo busy and IGNORE the crazy HIV thoughts!! They are rubbish and just part of the stress of having a baby ......they will go if you stop listening to them hun

Lisa
xxxx

[worriedmummy1]

Lisa, thank you for your reply. Yesterday I went into town and went to use the mother and baby room where I had linked my concern too. After doing that this fixation seems to have lessened slightly around this scenario, but I have then been thinking, what if I have picked it up somewhere else in the last 10 months since my maternity screening, which is now getting really silly.

I spoke at length with my GP yesterday who was very good. She has increased my medication and did say that a test could be done, but did say thinks that due to the way my mind is working it would not be the end as I may start with - what if the result is wrong, and what if they got it mixed up with somebody elses.

My worry is that in a few years time I find out I have it and by then it has been passed to my husband and children. How did you combat your thoughts and were they along the same lines as mine?

I think I know deep down I have nothing to worry about as I have just been living daily life the same as everyone else and the chances of me getting HIV this way is almost zero. If you could get from anywhere none of us would be leaving the house. I just wish I could make these thoughts go! Thanks again. x

[LisaLisa]

I know its so tiring worrying like this all the time. When i saw a psychologist before he exaplined to me that you have to ignore the thoughts and feelings to retrain your mind to stop being sensitised to the thought of hiv. The more you entertain the thoughsand give them importance, the more your brain believes that the thoughts are important to your survival and so the more it becomes focuused on hiv and so the cycle goes on.

To break the cycle you have to take a leap of faith and say to yourself my problem is not HIV its 'thought of HIV' that is my problem and then make a conscious decision anad choice to shift your focus away from hiv. You have to just let the worry be there and not respond or acton it at all.

At first it will be very hard...like ignoring a craving... bu then as time passes it will get easier and easier and you will beleive you have hiv less and less until it will be like it never happened.

You can do it!!

Lisa
xxxx

[worriedmummy1]

Hi Lisa, this is such a battle isnt it. I am scared that my only way out of this is to have a test, and that really frightens me as I am so scared of the result.

My husband keeps resurring me that all is ok, there is no way I could have it, as have the Dr, midwife and my Health Visitor. But I keep thinking what if in a few years time we find out I have it and its too late!!

I keep thinking that if my husband is not concerned why am I, as he would be the one at risk. These thoughts never entered my head until about 2 weeks after my daughter was born.

What is it that makes you think you have it? I dont know why I think I have it. I had the toilet scenario and have sort of put that to bed, but am now thinking what if in the last 10 months since my test in early pregancy I have managed to get it from somewhere else. Its crazy isnt it!! x

[LisaLisa]

i know, the thing is its like your mind will find a way to explain you having it no matter what. You will dioscount the evidence against it. Thats what I do. The other point that is important here is that I have had five negative tests and i still think i have it. My mind works around the negatives all the time aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

Think really hard if another test will actually help becuase there is a loarge chance it will just keep the whole thing going and make your fixation even worse

Lisa
xxxxx