Hello... I am new to this and not really sure where to start! Not even sure I am supposed to be posting this message here, but here goes anyway....
My problem at the moment is severe anxiety related to a new relationship with someone and right now I feel completely awful! Hot flushes in arms, sick, horrible feeling in stomach, like I want to cry.... I suffer from anxiety and panic generally, and have also been on anti-depressants for 11 years (I'm 27)... but sometimes I suffer bouts of anxiety / depression which are far worse than the symptoms I would normally experience.
I have recognised definite triggers for when I start feeling so bad like this and have also recognised that these symptoms are a direct consequence of having felt this way in previous situations with a new partner - or indeed a situation that is new and scary... circumstances that have made me feel very unhappy, anxious, unsettled and insecure.
I have learned all about the "fight or flight" response and physical reactions in the body that take place when faced with something that has previously made me feel really bad. I know that these horrible feelings of dread and anxiety wash over me when there is a significant shift in behaviour from my new boyfriend and he shows he is really keen and shows affection in return to affection I show him, or when things move to the next stage or seem to be progressing in some way. I'm really not used to this and any time it has happened in the past, the person has been very obsessive / possesive and made me feel smothered. Therefore, these horrible feelings are always triggered now no matter who the person is!
Then, once I get used to the change and am eventually able to rationalise things in my head, the feelings seem to lift and get somewhat easier to deal with, and I find myself in a really happy state again... I've been totally smitten with this guy so far and know he's totally different to the rest.... he's great and I love his company, we get on so well!!
I have gotten over this awful feeling of fear / dread twice before with this particular person and gone on to feel much more comfortable and relaxed each time.... can't stop thinking about him, on cloud nine, etc!... The way its supposed to feel in the beginning!... But the dread has come back again completely out of the blue, when things progressed further with him at the weekend and he's now talking about going away for the weekend. He also put a lot of doubt in my head by something he mentioned about always having had a notion to work in Europe which I'm really not sure I could do (because I'm so up and down and panic soooo much about things!!)
I tend to have big panics and sometimes freak out in these kind of situations.... for example, when I went travelling on my own for a month or so, I went through many ups and downs.... and times when I was so homesick, panicked, down and anxious I couldn't stop crying and thought I was going to have to cut my trip short and come home. But every time I have overcome it and things have been ok in the end.
But for some reason, this doesn't seem to reassure me any when I'm in the middle of an attack... I guess I am just feeling so bad at the moment, because when I am actually going through these symptoms, they can become UNBEARABLE to the point where I am at a total loss as to how to help myself feel better??? I hate having to pretend to my new boyfriend that I'm feeling fine when I'm not as I know he wouldnt understand as its not rational at all and i don't want to unsettle him and make him think there's something really wrong.... I REALLY, REALLY like him and its been sooooo long since I've met someone like him!! I desperately don't want to lose something that could potentially be amazing!!!! It's only been less than 3 months... I guess I'm scared about going further with things if I think he's going to take off and work abroad or travel!? I'm not used to being in a relationship and feel that at each stage or each time things progress further, I'm going to have these massive panics. I'm so scared of ruining things, both for him and for myself!!
I know I've gotten over this many times in the past, when its been related to a relationship, a new job, being away from home on my own, when there's a massive life change happening, etc..... I also know that sometimes the feelings can be triggered by hormones, which may be the case this time..... It's definitely not him as I know how much I like him and how amazing I felt until the weekend.... I know that feeling that way towards someone doesn't just disappear overnight for no reason!!
..... I just wish I knew how to cope better when these feelings do come on as they take over EVERYTHING and its making me really ill!! Does anyone else suffer in this way???
Erin x
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