*My Citalopram Blog* starting 5/8/10 uk

[wigi-woo]

YvonneBelle > hehe! glad im making you chuckle! always good to meet a fellow nutty dancer! at the moment im wailing along to 'if we ever meet again' by katy perry n timbaland, love it!

This morning I woke up already thinking at 100mph - I had to meet my cousin at 11am, then forgot i had to visit my mate in my home town for her birthday at midday, then had to figure out someway of gettin the courage to visit another friend in the evening, or rather, how i could not go, so i could calm the **** down! I figured if i visited my mate for her birthday, i would have to cut my cousin short on time, then if i went back to my hometown then i would have to check on my mums cat, then i know by then id be knackered and not be arsed to go back to my own flat, because if i did then id have to muster the mental courage to visit my friend in the evening, and not get drunk. .. so i did the hardest but best option. i cancelled going to my friends birthday, and cancelled going out in the evening. i texted my friend and explained in a big texty panic how sorry i was that i wasnt coming over, and went off on one, then she didnt text back, so i text her again saying sorry.. and she text back saying '' yea i got your text. nah its ok. i understand.''.... i dont know why but i think shes gunna hate me for it! .. i know she wont .. but she will! wont she? argh!

I went to see my cousin.. and i hadnt taken my Cit. i didnt wanna be wired while seeing her, shes very anti-pills, but i ended up telling her anyway, because i like to tell everyone, everything, because.. well i dont know why. probably because i cant shut up half the time.

I had a cornish pasty, i thought, ill eat, before i cant, knowing that once i take the Cit, im gunna be appetite ridden for the rest of the day. then my cousin got a scone. and i got food envy. damn her! must remember, always pick my food last.. dammit!

So im back home now after seeing her for 3 hours.. was a lovely time. and i calmed down from all the anxiety i had in the morning. I called my friend whos birthday it is, and apologised for not coming, but i sang happy birthday to her down the phone and she laughed, so thats cool. She used to be on Cit herself so she completely understood about my anxiety attack and was happy that i called her despite feeling poo

So now, i have just taken my 2nd egg headed bean and thinking of what to do with the rest of my day.

any ideas? movie? drawing? cleaning... no .. thats just a stupid idea.

Will log in later and let you know how the 2nd cit is coming along

think positive!

Wigi-Woo xxx

[wigi-woo]

Its 04.15am...

Got some terrible news yesterday afternoon.

L's cousin, my friend, had been found in the morning, she had died after what can only [at this moment in time] be explained as a heart attack. I think she was only in her late 20's.

Im actually stuck with what to write at the moment. Im having a mild anxiety attack.

L got into bed at about 2am.. an hour later he started stroking my hands, and i was in the middle of a weird dream. Something about my friend, i could see her face, but then she started talking, and for some reason i woke up freaking out . i had to switch on the side light, and L started asking me if i was ok, because he could see i was awake, and thinking, and see i was having a panic. i think i started panicking because i felt he was the one that needed the attention. not me. and i felt selfish, so i told him to turn over, and i would curl up to him, because i thought that would help me calm down if i felt i was comforting him.. but it didnt, and now im sat here, feeling heart racing and shaky. i never get out of bed at this time of night.

I cant get my head straight. and i feel bad for feeling this way. because whatever im feeling L and his family must be feeling it a million times over.

I just dont know how to calm down, how to relax or get my head straight.
Ive never had a friend die before. ive only had my grandad, my nan, friends old relatives... but not someone my age, who..... it just doesnt make sense.

My head is racing something crazy right now, and my heart is making me feel queasy from the panic. i dont know what to do. i just wanna go back to sleep. and be calm for the guy who needs me right now.

um........ sigh......... not sure what else to write. will most likely be back later on in the morning.

Wigi-Woo

xxxxx

[YvonneBelle]

L's cousin, my friend, had been found in the morning, she had died after what can only [at this moment in time] be explained as a heart attack. I think she was only in her late 20's.

Oh my.... I only just got to this post. How awful! No wonder it triggered a panic attack. I hope you have calmed down a bit now and are recovering from the initial shock of it all. Just goes to prove that life (and death) are both stranger than fiction. We just never know what it's going to throw at us at any given point. Somehow we just have to carry on and exist on a level where we are not on constant red alert else we'd drive our bodies too hard. We should only have that type of adrenaline for life/death emergencies and under stress our poor bodies are having to cope with all of that red alert syndrome all of the time.

I hope that after a few days those little white domes will start to help you and ease your anxiety but for some people it does increase your anxiety for the first couple of weeks.

Im actually stuck with what to write at the moment. Im having a mild anxiety attack.

In this state your thoughts are not flowing freely because you are like a rabbit stuck in headlights.

Something about my friend, i could see her face, but then she started talking, and for some reason i woke up freaking out

Understandable in the circumstances...

I cant get my head straight. and i feel bad for feeling this way. because whatever im feeling L and his family must be feeling it a million times over.

Don't feel bad. Just try and support each other through this. To you, she was also family as well as your friend.

Hope you are feeling calmer now ((((wigi-woo)))) and so sorry to hear this very sad news.

Blessings to your friend and I hope she is happy and at peace wherever she is.

Yvonne

[wigi-woo]

Thanks Yvonnebelle - been a very weird couple of days. Thanks for your words and concern..xxxxx

So yesterday i got up at about 10.30am, my head was swimmining like anything, felt so stoned!! managed to wolf down a yum yum bit of toast, and devoured another tiny white soul. I went to the bootsale and within 1 hour i was burnt all over my chest and back - im blonde ! i cant help it! freckles offer ZERO protection. So, the yawning kicked in for a few hours, but , that was the extent of my side effects for the day!!

Today now i went for lunch with two friends, and i didnt feel nervous at all. i think i needed to be around my mates to be honest, and we had a lovely afternoon. i had next to know anxiety about the situation, and really enjyed myself. i didnt even overeat when i got home.. when i usually would have, if L isnt here.
I started getting a pretty bad headache, which is still present, but not as bad as earlier, im assuming that was the Cit as ive been gulping water today.

so nothing new to report. i did try painting however, my artist block is still here. its like someone went into my head, took my paintbrushes and went ''ah ah ah! none for you today!' and im left sat there like a baby without .. anything i can chew .

so i decided to bake scones instead (how very english of me) but they just look like giant cookies now.. how can cooking scones go wrong!! i am a little simple today me thinks!

ta ra for now. i smell scones!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[wigi-woo]

Hi all. feeling pretty rubbish today. i went to my Dads on Tuesday and during the day i ended up having a few glasses of wine, i seemed fine, and didnt feel drunk at all. i know i shouldnt have been drinking really, but it was worth a try, i hadnt gotten drunk since starting the Cit nearly a week ago.. the next day i thought i was going to feel rubbish with a hangover, but i didnt, so i was pretty chuffed with that..

However. today now (thurs) i feel rubbish. L went away late last night, so when he left i thought i could out do the Cit, and drink some wine, and i actually tried to binge... while watching the sexy new Sherlock TV series..
A headache started pretty much straight away, but i kept on drinking.. i ate quite a lot.. and by the time i went to bed i felt like crap.. Now this morning i feel lethargic, my anxiety kicked in straight away as soon as i woke up, and my stomach is not liking me either..


Its really strange, had this just been a normal situation, i wouldve raided the cupboards without a second thought, without repercussions, and drunk the night away and felt totally fine the next morning.. but it was strange.. i didnt WANT to binge.. i just needed to try and see if .. I DID want to.. does that make sense.. it was strange.. for the first time ever, i was actually FORCING myself to binge.. now i regret it..

My anxiety has kicked in over the fact that now i cant just get any junk food i want in, because,im not going to be able to binge on it, because itll just make me feel even worse than i do now... so i gotta get lots of healthy stuff in, also i said to a friend last night that she could probably come over tonight to keep me company.. but now i dont know if i can handle it.. also i keep thinking i have to call another friend because im always worried ive pissed her off and that secretly shes hating me and not wanting to see me anymore.. but i feel i should call her and arrange to see her, so she knows i want to see her, and so i dont feel like im being a bad friend. Then theres a party on saturday night i have to go to.. well, i dont HAVE to, but i should do , because L has gone to a huge carnival back where he lives, and hes going to be around all his old mates, and dont even start me on the paranoia and anxiety im feeling over that.. what if he doesnt come back, what if someone else lures him away from me etc.. so i feel i HAVE to go to this party because if i dont then im just gunna be sat at home wishing i was anywhere but home.

and breathe.

sorry this isnt a very comical blog entry.. head isnt really in the right place at the moment.

gunna have a bath now.. urgh.. then i have to go into town. get some hair dye, and get food.. and im dreading it.. man, i wasnt expecting to feel like this, this morning.

hope everyone is doing ok .

think positive.

Love Wigi-Woo.xxx

[wigi-woo]

So its been a few days at least now since i wrote. Been on Cit 20mg for 10 days now, and i seem to be doing ok-ish...sometimes. i keep forgetting im still breaking myself in to the tablets, and they still might take time.

Had a manicaly.. manicly.. manickly? up and down weekend. I ended drinking pretty much every night, and the binging got the better of me..food glorious foooooood...My anxiety was kicked up for the few days L wasnt here, but i managed to generally keep a good head on. I had my mate and her blokey over on the friday night which was nice, watched a movie and a few TV episodes, then i woke up the next morning (saturday, after drinking like a bottle of vino) and i felt CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAP. I was panicking, couldnt make a choice as to wether to go out or not, binged lots and felt my head space was jsut too much. In the end, i decided I should go to the party, because otherwise I wouldve just sat indoors, eating more and more, wishing I was out, and wondering what the hell L was up to.

So i went to the party.. and I was really glad I went. my mates were too, and got chatting to a few people who were in the kitchen which was nice. I ate some food and got quite drunk, but generally had a lovely evening.

L came home around 2am, so i couldnt sleep after 4 days of havin the bed to myself, hes all arms and legs

So today now had a minor anxiety attack about money and i couldnt shift it for about 45mins.. but im doing ok now. had some healthy food today, yoghurt and fruit and a coffee, so feeling good.

So i had best keep up with this regularly as im sure ive missed out a lot over the last few days.

Ta-ra......... oh!! and im [nearly] debt free now!! still got my student loan to pay off but that doesnt count right now , but! all 3 banks i owed money too have been paid off!!! no more phone calls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


xxxxxxxxxxxx think positive!

Wigi Woo. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[wigi-woo]

I have been on 20mg of Cit now for exactly a month.

I can hand on heart say that a lot has changed in regards to my crazy morning rush hour thinking, and how i react to situations that would normally freak the crap outta me.

I am still having minor panic attacks, but, they are so much less and a lot easier to deal with than normal. huzzah!

Im sleeping pretty heavily (yay!) but having a lot of nightmares (booo!) .

I was thinking about coming off my pill as obviously a lot of my weight issues have been because of my anxiety , or rather, vice versa, im not sure, its all one big messy lump in my head! but anyway i spoke to my doctor, and she advised me to stay on it while i was gettin used to the Citalopram in my system. so doctors orders have been followed.

ive been drawing a lot more lately, and completed a small painting, which i havnt been able to do for a very long time! im also finding it a lot easier to keep my concentration on things, and am spending more time chilling out than i ever have.

At the moment, im a bit run down, but to be honest, i think a lot of it has been self inflicted (and the fact L has been ill lol ) . ive been drinking A LOT over the last few days, and ive noticed every morning that im hungover, that my mood is fairly blue and down. when on days that i havnt been drinking the night before, my moods are failry easy and happy . MUST TAKE NOTE OF THIS!!

Im also in the transition of trying to change my style, aand in doing so i m bleaching my hair, planning more piercings and really want more tattoos!

All in all, so far, im giving the Cit a 8/10 as im still to find out where i am with it, but i am pretty chuffed with the results so far!

hope all is well in NMP land!

Wigi-Woo.x

[wigi-woo]

Hey all. Been just over a month or so now since I last blogged.

The Cit is going ok, though im noticing a few old thoughts are beginning to stray back into my head. A lot of paranoia about friends and whether or not they like me, and feeling that 'need' to be out and socializing and drinking all of the time.

I suppose this has all been kicking off because of certain changes ive been making over the past month. Ive bleached my hair, donned a new style, pierced my lip, and have made a personal promise to myself to start committing myself more to my art and focusing time and space on myself and my personal needs.
Now, this has all been a great change, and it is ALL for the better.. but im struggling a little bit to let myself do this, to experience the changes that are coming with it, and letting go of previous habits and thoughts which are not good for me.
Im finding it hard, because im worried these changes will cause me to lose friends, lose my social life, and ultimately make me feel like I am a loner.. and i am so afraid of being like that.. but the changes i need to make, are only for the better, and if i dont follow through with it all , then im only risking myself sliding back into old habits of self destruction and hate.

For instance, there's a friend whos approval i feel i need, but im trying to let go of that, and in turn its meant that i cant keep texting her to see why she hasn't been in contact etc. so ive decided to let HER contact ME when she wants to see me... which she hasn't done so far... thought i know shes been out and about with other people.. which .. to be frank has made me very jealous. but it seems the only time she wants to see me is when its on her terms. when i want to see her, its always a bit inconvenient..

Im feeling so sensitive at the moment. i want to be liked by everyone.. but breaking away from these unhealthy feelings is trying to teach me to be ok and happy with the real and close friends i have. it seems almost like , the people who dont really give that much of a shit about me, are the people whos attention i absolutely crave.

What is it that I want?

I want to be adored my everyone. yet i want to be left alone. i want to runaway, but im afraid. i want money, so i can spoil my friends and myself.. I want to be an excellent artist, but it means time, and consumption of my social life. I want to stop drinking, but its too much fun. I feel trapped, by my own insecurities, and all i want to do is to be sitting her, happy on a sunday evening, chilled out, and wanting to carry on painting. but all i can think about is, why hasnt she text me in ages, she hates me, she must do, i wish i could paint, i want to be a famous artist. why cant i be like eveyone else. i want money to buy things that will make people notice me, things that will make me feel like i have a reason to be liked, because im fun, and stylish, and the friend that everyone wants to be seen with.

But sometimes i think people dont WANT to be seen with me. people would rather go out without me, because im just too much work, im a drunk, and idiot.

i want to runaway from everyone ,and be alone, that way, i dont have to worry what anyone thinks about me, or what i do with my life. i wont have to feel like im being judged. i wouldnt have to care wether people liked me or not, because i would never see anyone. people would forget about me, and i could dissapear, and be freee and happy without anyone...

but its not going to happen. i have to face up to my demons, ask them, to give me time, to deal with each of them in turn, let me focus on one part of my life at a time...

i think thats what it is, i feel so overwhelmed.. im taking on a lot of change at the same time, and its confusing me, and making me feel open to wounds and hurt...

I have the choice to be strong and take it all on, and face it all and deal with everything as it comes.. or i can hide away from everything and let everything im working towards fall apart and let my old habits and world crawl back and take me over...

and the stupid thing is, i cant decide which one i want..

i dont know how to take on either side.. and i dont know if i can face it...

in short... i feel..lost. and i dont know which way will take me fowards to where i need to be.

xxx

[ladybird64]

What an amazing post. I think you have summed up, very eloquently how so many of us feel, whether we are single, married, young or..ahem..knocking on a bit.

My belief is that by our very nature we are sensitive souls, anyone who has anxiety seems to be that way.

You mentioned how overwhelming it all is and for what it's worth, I think you already know the answer to your own question..you are trying to do too much, make too many changes all at once.

It doesn't have to be strength vs failure..that's just the way you have set it up in your mind. Maybe the first thing you could do is to learn to like who you are? You come across as being a very intelligent sensitive person who knows what they want but is scared of making the leap of faith to accomplish some of the goals.

But that's ok! There is no agenda, you aren't doing anything wrong nor will you do anything wrong, how about you just concentrate on the simple stuff?

Practice makes pefect. You want to paint but are getting the niggly thought about your "friend"..well, paint anyway!
Thing is hun that while we allow ourselves to be trapped in time by our thoughts, analysing everything, the real world is passing us by.
The situation with this friend will beome clear to you if you try and focus on other things, relaxation or your painting. While doing these things, time will pass and it will become clear if she is getting in touch or not and if her "friendship" is valuable to you.

You may find if you put some distance there it will be easier to make the decision you need to..in fact it will more or less be made for you.

For the time being, let tomorrow and the future look after itself. You worrying about all the "what-if's" are not going to make a jot of difference to how things pan out for you so try and take a step back, concentrate on the here and now and most important of all, learn how to relax and focus a bit.

Your own personal way forward will no doubt make itself obvious to you, probably when you stop trying so hard to figure out which way it should be.

Take care

[wigi-woo]

Hi all, its been a few months since I last wrote.

Since my last post, ive taken out my lip piercing, pierced my ears again instead. cut my hair again, gone away from the previous style that I wanted, and tried to adapt myself to focusing on what it is that I need to do for myself.
The past 3 weeks.. wow, 3 weeks now, ive not gone out to see any of my friends whatsoever. I think this is because ive been feeling very very safe indoors. ive been away from people, here at home, with my own thoughts, safe with Luke, and have felt like no matter what, this way, i wont get hurt. This feeling of needing safety right now has probably naturaly coincided with the fact that about 2 weeks ago, or was it last week, i cant remember, well, 2 weeks ago say, i was feeling hugely suicidal. im not just saying god-that-would-be-an-easy-way-out-if-only kind of thinking, i mean it actually got to a point where i was looking up how many of certain tablets would knock me out, what would do damage, thinking about when, how etc.. i really frightened myself. i was at my parents when i caught myself considering it for real, and i had to be brave and tell luke. he was so supportive and understanding about it, and he has really helped me through this dark area .. so, i guess wanting to be alone right now, is probably for the best, that way it gives me time to be, and do what i need to be, and what i need to do.

ive been switching my phone off, not returning calls, ignoring texts , and to be honest, as horrible as it sounds, ive really been liking it... i feel safe.

Last week i made an appointment with a therapist who deals with hypnotherapy and childhood regression, so on tuesday i;; be seeing if i can open dome doors as to why i am the way i am, and how perhaps i can move on from the issues that i have deep set in my head and my heart.

so i guess for now its just a wait and see job on the therapist front. i really hope it goes well, im not sure what to get from it, but i know that at least this is a step in the right direction for trying to help my life turn around. x