*My Citalopram Blog* starting 5/8/10 uk

[wigi-woo]

Hello to my fellow no more panickers

This is going to be the first of a daily blog.. and I am upon the eve of taking my first 20mg Citalopram.

I have suffered with Anxiety and Depression, since i was about 16, on top of eating disorder issues, self harm, and general mind fudge-ness. I have always refused tablets, as I suppose i always saw it as a cop-out or the easy way to deal with your problems... or, as mostly in my case, i was too ashamed to be taking anti-depressants in front of my mother. My father having mental health issues all his life, youd think she would be a little more leniant on the idea. ideals darling! image!! *she doesnt speak that poshly, shes actually Irish*

I have no idea who I am.. or rather.. who i would be, without the chatterbox in my brain, or the emotional demons that haunt my every day existence...

It has just passed my 24th birthday, and i finally made the crunch after lots of counseling, CBT work, hypno-tapes, books, talking with friends and family, positive thinking, and finally came to the decision that, this may be the path i was least likely to take, but it still may open up to something i couldn't imagine now.. whether good or bad.. but how will i ever know, unless i try. the path wont disappear, im not laying bread crumbs.. i can always follow it back home, saying, at least i walked it, i saw what was at the end, and the view wasn't really that interesting along the way..

So. I am in a state of optimism about it all right now. its 23.18pm and i have just opened the box to view the little blighters in their plastic cages. They look like little beady oval heads. a line to mark where thier eyes would be.. each little white head waiting to intrude my brain.. and i am rather looking foward to it.

I was shocked at myself, i thought i would walk out of the doctors having feeling i had let myself down, and i was giving in to the man and his magic pills... but perhaps this is the right choice... maybe i dont feel bad because it is the right thing to do..

i admit, i am so nervous about it, it is actually making me feel queasy and heart jumpy thinking about it.. so i better not worry too much before i cant sleep...

So, tomorrow morning will be the first pill. I have done so so so SO much research on Citalopram, so i know what to and what not to expect. .. but who knows what exactly will happen. every one is different. its like sticking your hand into a bag of chocolate roses and only one of each flavour is in the bag.. i just hope that no-one put a coffee flavoured one in.. bleah!

so yes , this may be a very random and weird blog.. but this is my blog. so i can be who i want. you cant see me after all! mwahaha! ..

I will try and keep this blog as frequent as possible and let you know whats happening when its happening

thanks for reading. catch you tomorrow!! think positive!

Wigi-Woo.


xxxx

[YvonneBelle]

Great post (made me giggle) but most of all - good luck with your journey! I'm sure with your writing style and humour we will enjoy reading your progress whenever you can find the time to update us.

Yvonne

[gregcool]

Very brave post you sound like you are finaly ready for some extra help now,
you sound like you r in hell , so whats the worse that could happen, you have come this far so a few more steps will not hurt you.
Cit worksfor most and most do not even get heavy sude efects,
so my advice to you , is try them , give them a chance to help you,
i have two people close to me on cits, and neather one of them had side efects ,
so go for it ,
and remember no matter how you feel on them.
This is something you are in control of. If the side efects are not goid for you and to unbarable , you can ( with your doc advice and guidence)
stop taking them , with no permanant danage.
You sound like you need them.
Give them a chance , you may go up, then down for a while then settle.
You may need to go on a higher dose, in time to get the full benifit.
So good luck be strong.
You can acheive anything in life, if you realy belive and put your mind to it.
Trust in your self, and get a good network of support.
Which you will allways find hear.
Anytime.
Goodluck wigi
Greg

[steveo1980]

Great post (made me giggle) but most of all - good luck with your journey! I'm sure with your writing style and humour we will enjoy reading your progress whenever you can find the time to update us.

Yvonne

Exactly what i was thinking. Best wishes and keep positive. Try not to look for any side effects

[calm]

thank you for sharing your life with us xxxx i am on cits havent been taking them for that long.....although for me it does...4 weeks in....no side affects as such just wanting them to kick in
do keep us posted, luv tracey xxxx

[wigi-woo]

Good Afternoon all!

Last night was the first time in a long time I had felt anything near a Panic Attack. An hour after my boyfriend L got into bed, I went into this amazingly vivid dream, that i was lying in bed, then i got up and went out into the hallway which was dark. there were two people standing in the hallway, and i went to run back into the bedroom, and i tried to start shouting and screaming but nothing was coming out, and L was somehow stuck to the wall, trying to shout for me, and he couldnt make any noise either. I woke up in a panic, crying, and had to get him to turn on every light in the flat, and i felt sick when he opened the bedroom door, thinking there would be someone there. He's had to do this several times now.. and always it involves dreams of people in the hallway. Dead Japanese girls, people hiding behind doors, shadows in the hallway... my heart was racing for ages, and it took me a good hour or so to get back to sleep.... but despite that, im tip topperoo now!

so! on with the day!

Only 3 hours in to sending the first oval headed menace into the abiss of my stomach and i am feeling quite wired. Me and L got invited out for breakfast in Wetherspoons, and i was sooooooooooooo famished i just knew i was going to clear my plate, even considered having a large breakfast i was that hungry. I took my first Cit on an empty stomach, about 1 1/2 hours before i ate, followed by a black coffee, followed with Tea. I thought myabe i was feeling wired because i was so hungry.. but to my utter dissapointment, i couldnt even finish my egg!! or mushroom! or tomato! and struggled with the toast! ...but theres no way toast with REAL butter would escape my chops! hahah! but its the first time i have ever not finished a spoons breakfast.. which was very weird.. i just suddenly felt grossed out and queasy..

So, so far, Im feelin like im hungover, with that feeling of when someone offers you something really sickly sweet when your hungover, and it makes your stomach turn 'oh god, jesus, no get it away from me!!' , thats what i have right now. like someone mentioned the word ''Liver''... *shudders*....

Feeling chipper tho despite feeling queasy squeazy, might feel better after an afternoon bath.

Think Positive!

wigi-woo- Over and out.. for now!

xxxx

[Dragonsblonde]

I can honestly say I found taking the tablets after food cleared up my lack of appetite problem and very delicate stomach issues...before food was bad bad bad for me

[YvonneBelle]

with that feeling of when someone offers you something really sickly sweet when your hungover, and it makes your stomach turn 'oh god, jesus, no get it away from me!!' , thats what i have right now. like someone mentioned the word ''Liver''... *shudders*...

Hahahaha! - I can totally relate to that, so funny! I had that feeling like as if I'd just been on a fairground ride after sickly candy floss... hehe. It'll pass after a few days or a week and then you'll just enjoy food as normal if you're anything like me. And hot buttered toast, oh yes! Swilled down with a nice hot cup of tea.

[wigi-woo]

Thanks for all the replies guys - good to know im making you all smile, and that im providing yet another incite in the cit life

So its 23.02pm and its been a pretty good day. managed to eat some ryvita with butter this afternoon, and a cuppa soup but when it came to dinner i had a few spoonfuls of bolognaise and my stomach started hurting and i began feeling queasy again.. maybe i need to stick to small portions for a little while, like i mean small. a fist size... booo to small portions... me want biiiiig food. fill my fat head.

So after i had a bath earlier this afternoon, i felt a bit better but i felt totally wired. the sickness had gone, but i felt like id had a line of coke.. i was restless, felt like i needed to move, and even after staring in silence at the wok of bolognaise cooking just started dancing to myself and sang out ''shes a brick!... house!... mighty mighty!!''.... where the hell did that come from! lol *note to self. keep thoughts and songs to self*

but all in all. feeling good now. not sure how im gunna sleep tonight, but as long as there isnt a repeat of the hallway fear like last night then i should be ok

good night to all, and hope you all had a better day today!

think positive!

Wigi-Woo
xxxx

[YvonneBelle]

wigi-woo - you totally have my sense of humour! LOL

Food-wise, yes - little and often helped me rather than big meals. Just can't eat a lot in one go any more (which is probably a good thing). I had a really small curry the other night and I felt stuffed for hours like my stomach had shrunk to the size of an orange!

Despite worrying about putting on weight on cit I've actually lost a couple of pounds and I think it's the combination of having more energy to burn (to sing and do little dances!) and not being able to eat as much in one go.

Keep up the good work and don't have nightmares!!