Why can't we let go of a worry?

[Bill]

I was thinking about this today as it's something I've often noticed in peoples posts and I have a theory about it.

Sometimes something will happen or we'll hear or see something that frightens us and we end up constantly worrying about it. As you know, the more you worry about something, the worse anxious symptoms become and yet, oten we find it so hard to stop ourselves.

My theory is that it's based on fear and control. If a ghost appears in front of us, it scares us into worrying about it. We find we can't stop staring at it and I think this is because we're actually afraid to take our eyes off it. While we stare at it we feel nothing bad will happen. We feel in control. If we take our eyes off it, we feel we're losing control over it and as a result something bad will happen because it makes us feel so anxious to stop staring at it.

This is what I think might be happening with worries. If we try to stop dwelling on a worry, we feel we're losing contol over it and something bad will happen because to stop thinking about it makes us feel so anxious.

In a way it's catch 22. A worry frightens us so much that we feel compelled to focus on it but to stop dwelling on it also makes us feel anxious which is how I think we fall into the anxiety trap. It ends up hypnotising us under its spell.

I think there are 2 ways of tackling this...

Firstly, prevention.

If you hear, see or feel something that frightens you, Don't dwell on it otherwise anxiety will snare you in its trap making you feel you daren't attempt to stop thinking about it. One easy way is to find other things to do or think about to prevent it taking hold.

Secondly, cure.

If you find yourself in the trap where you feel you can't stop worrying about something, you then have to force yourself free of the anxious feelings. This means that you do exactly the same as in prevention by finding other things to focus on but it will feel much harder to achieve because you'll already be trapped in anxiety's spell. However, you have to reassure yourself that to stop worrying about it is perfectly ok because the anxious feelings Will gradually subside on their own. You just have to make that leap to prove to yourself there's actually nothing to fear but the feelings of fear themselves and that nothing bad will happen by ignoring a worry. Anxiety is like a ghost. It frightens you into staring at it but if you stop staring, the ghost will feel powerless and will actually melt away if you can force yourself to break free from its hypnotic spell by feeling safe in the knowledge that any anxious feelings will eventually subside.

One other thought regarding worries. I always believe that if you have a worry that you can do something practical to resolve then resolve it no matter how hard it feels because then it's sorted and you then have nothing to worry about.

If though it's something that's beyond your control and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it then let it go because there's no point in worrying about it. It'll only make you feel ill and create symptoms that will create more worries.

Some of us are born worriers but I do feel we can learn to tame our inner beast.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

[debbsi]

I think your right there Bill, I feel like I need to keep the worry in check just so I know where it is - i wake up in the morning and think what was I worrying about last night - then carry on with it again!!
Anyway I am determined to be free of this anxiety - I have started by taking my mind off a new worry - or telling myself that its ok not to worry about it and that it is just that - only a worry.

Yesterday I woke in the night with a chest pain (which I have had before and told it was muscular) I knew it was nothing to worry about - but I worried all night and went to the gps in the morning where he reassured me. On the way to work after I was so mad with myself I shouted at myself in the car!! "Its Ok not to worry. Its ok to be happy!!"

Maybe if i can keep telling myself this then I can change the way I think. The worrying thoughts did seem to be quieter throughout the day. Then later that day we found that my dogs had eaten a packet of almonds arrgg - quick google are almonds toxic to dogs -oh no - they are!!!!!!!!! Phone call to the vet - he wasnt too sure but thought there was too little an amount to cause any serious damage - just keep an eye on them.

I stayed in control (although I am good at handling a stressful situation) and told myself that everything would be ok - thankfully they are both fine.

Each time I feel my stomach turn over in the initial OMG thought - I tell myself to stop it!! It is helping but its very early days - hope I can keep up with it.

[calm]

BILL...thank you so much for your post i have read and going to read again...thank you so much, love tracey xxxx

[jude uk]

I think there is a saying in the Bible "can any of you add a day to your life by worrying"....Bill has hit this very well because instead of having control we actually have no control by worrying about something. All over the uk kids are waiting for their exam results. The exams are finished but no doubt many are worrying about their marks/grades. They may have spent the last few months worrying but it has been out of their hands since they put down their pens at the end of the exams.

WORRY is to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret. This is the dictionary term of worry

TORMENT ONESELF.............................

This is what we do everyday...we TORMENT ourselfs.

For me the way to get free is to;
1. accept
2. understand
3. get support
4. keep working through the problem with the support
and remember there is no such thing as failure because each time we hit a set-back we can learn something from it.

[Caz 47]

Bill i just love all your posts they always seem to come from such a wise person .. you speak such truth i have read your post letting go of worry and your so right its all about control im a control freak i know that.. i cant let go of the bone as they say once i have it in my mouth ... i worry and worry i pace the floor and i have to admit to making myself ill alot of the time only because im not in control of the situation .. ive read your advice and im going to try and put it into action when the need arises which is often im afraid ..

So thank you for posting yet another wonderful post hugs to you ...Carole xx

[crissy]

Jim your a wonderful person, I so enjoy everyone of your posts xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Gregor]

Nice post Bill. One question... are you able to follow your own advice and does it actually work? i quite often find i know what the problem is, how to solve it, but i sure as hell can't follow it!

"Its Ok not to worry. Its ok to be happy!!"

Debbsi, i picked out your point because it strikes me that you're absolutely right. It should be ok to be happy. Why can't i just be happy? it's like i'm not happy unless i'm unhappy/have worries. If i have no worry, i find other things to worry about. That's just not normal, surely?

Gregor

[Bill]

Gregor,

You made me smile there!...One question... are you able to follow your own advice and does it actually work? i quite often find i know what the problem is, how to solve it, but i sure as hell can't follow it! I know the feeling!

I am a natural worrier and it's something I've grown to accept about myself. I know I'll always worry about something because it's just in my nature but I feel I've learnt how to cope with it. So yes, I do get worries just like alot of people here and in the past I can remember I'd worry so much that I'd be sick just as Judeswan has said about exams. I can remember returning home from holiday with my parents knowing my exam results would be waiting on the doorstep. We stopped for a meal but I brought it all back up before we even got back in the car! I can also remember watching programmes about health on tv while I was having dinner which scared me so much I'd have the same reaction. Even before I went to school each day I'd have to take something to calm my stomach. Worries have always affected me.

These days, although I admit I do still worry alot, I feel I know now how to reduce the level to which they affect me. If I hear or see something that worries me, I Always look for something to stop me thinking about it because I know if I keep thinking about it, I'd only make myself feel ill and it will serve no purpose. If it's a worry I can do something about, I make a plan of action and focus on the steps I need to take to sort it. That way I stop the worry.

I find sometimes that something will worry me and it will keep niggling but the way I deal with it is to stop myself "constantly" thinking about it. I find that if you can break up the worry, each time it comes back, it doesn't feel as strong so it's easier to deal with and so with time the worry does gradually fade until I've forgotten all about it.

I'm not sure professional would agree with this but sometimes something will be on tv which I know will upset or worry me. The professionals would probably say that you should be able to watch or listen to anything without it affecting you but I feel that if the issue is beyond your control anyway, what's the point in filling your mind with unnecessary upsets or worries? Therefore, I turn over before the programme starts!

The same applies with newspapers. After work I always used to buy the evening paper to read on the way home and sometimes the stories were interesting but more often than not the stories would be worrying or upsetting so then I thought why am I doing this to myself when I could get the main headlines in the News on tv when I got home. All I was doing was giving myself things to worry about that didn't affect me so I decided that's it, I'm not buying newspapers anymore. It doesn't mean I don't still read them. It's just I don't go out of my way to get one. Personally, it seemed pointless.

I feel if it's in our nature to worry then I can't see how we can change But I do feel we can adapt and learn how to train ourselves so that our worries don't make us feel so ill that we can't cope.

Alot of panics and anxiety symptoms are created by worrying and the more we worry about something, the worse we'll feel. I got fed up with feeling so ill all the time so I just thought of ways to stop my bad habit that I've found have worked for me. I do still worry and I do still get anxious but I don't get panics anymore, I no longer feel the urge to be sick and I no longer take meds. I feel that's good enough for me.

Why can't i just be happy?

The simple answer to that is that we're happy when we're enjoying ourselves or are doing something that is so engrossing that we don't have time to think about worries so if you feel you're worrying too much, bring in other things to think about. An example would be you could plan home or garden improvements or some other long term project that needs planning and daily attention. Sometimes if we're in a boring or stressful job, we feel we're not enjoying life and have nothing to look forward to so we start focusing on worries. If you have something ongoing to plan etc, your mind is then taken up by what to do next when you get home. It provides an interest and something to look forward to so it helps to break up the constant thinking about worries and then they lose their effect. I've found that helps me. It's also very satisfying when you complete a project so it also builds your confidence and self-esteem.

If we sit and constantly think about a worry that frightens us, it's a certainty you'll make yourself feel ill so no matter how difficult it feels, you HAVE to stop anxiety trapping you by getting your mind away from pointless worries or sorting those you can if you want to break free and feel well. It just takes time, patience and getting to know what works for you.

[leafar]

It's true. Worrying is just self torment. Worrying is not dealing with anything, it's just playing out the worry. And if you find yourself saying "ok well, let me just at least worry for long enough to grasp what the underlying issue is, and maybe come up with some affirmations or whatever to counter it, surely that's dealing with it", then rememeber that while in that worrying state, you're not in the best position to think clearly about the uinderlying issue. And by not dwelling on it, you're not neglecting it, and it won't increase, it's just a residue, it's nature is to come and go, like an aimless person who has no clue when they're welcome and when they're not.

Whatever the issue is, it's making you worry, and therefore it's dysfunctional, so whatever it is, it's irrelevant and useless to you. There's no rush to deal with the issue as it's just a ghost of something which may have mattered in the past but it's got nothing to do with now. The most helpful thing that you can do to the feeling that makes you start worrying is to let it rest, and let it know that it's not needed, as if to say "thanks, but not today, at ease, relax, and if I need you I'll summon you when you'll be of real use".

And then that worrying energy will be in reserve, energised, for when you genuinely need it. But for now, there's nothing to worry about, it's like a muscle spasm, it comes and goes. When you have a muscle spasm in your arm, do you start dwelling on what your arm must be telling you that you need to do? No, because you can obviously see that you don't need to do anything with it.

A muscle spasm is an automatic and pointless imitation of something useful, but in itself it's useless, and not worth dwelling on. It has nothing to tell you, other than "look at me, I'm an arm, look at this movement that I can do". A worry that comes out of the blus is just like that. It's a part of your mind that is saying "Hmmm...this situation vaguely reminds me of a time when I might, maybe, just maybe, have been useful to you". Instead of dwelling, just say "yes, well, erm, thanks for that insight, that's very clever, now go back to sleep, and when I need you, you'll know about it".

Think of how ridiculous we'd all look if every time we had a muscle spasm we looked at our arms wondering what it wants of us. That's how ridiculous it is to worry about a situation which vaguely, and most likely in the most silly and trivial way, reminds us of a moment in the past. As of an hour ago, any time I feel even the slightest feeling of anything whatsoever, I tell myself what it means, which is usually either something trivial, or completely neutral.

It's an affirmation, but instead of doing it for x minutes per day, just do it when you need to. For example, if you're in a queue and you feel a bit worried, just tell yourself (for example) "aaah, yes, this situation here with me in this queue means that : I'm in a queue, queuing up, and, well, yeah, that's it". Whatever the worrying part of your mind thinks it wants to warn you about is about as useful as the village idiot coming up to you and talking nonsense about how x=y therefore blah blah blah. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter, otherwise you wouldn't be worying, you'd be calmly dealing with a real issue, like you normally do.

The subconscious mind is always making connections and associations between things which you wouldn't normally bother about because it's unimportant. If a situation reminds you of a traumatic moment from the past, an you know what moment is being referred to, just say "oh, that, yeah that's over, and now this is this". And if you don't know what the connection refers to (or even if you do), just turn it around and consciously continue the association onto something good from the past, or something that you'r looking forward to. For example : You once panicked in a queue ---> you're in a queue now ---> [this is where you interrupt the flow of associations and take over :] queuing is boring [but is it a reason for worry? nope]---> boring is the opposite of exciting [exciting, that sounds good, now I'm really curious, where are we going with this?] ---> I remember how exciting it was to (whatever, something that you once did that was exciting) ---> I like remembering exciting moments from the past ---> what else can I remember that's exciting? --->oh look, I'm at the front of the queue, I'll carry this on next time I'm queuing up, anywhere.

Result : positive association, and you've rewired that bit of your mind.

[blue moon]

What wonderfull post's,by you all.I Thankyou.
Love Petra x