Totally, totally paranoid!!!

[worriedmummy1]

Well I have suffering from anxiety for about 4 weeks now and the GP has prescribed me citalopram, 20mg, which I am now in my 4the week of taking. I had a baby 6 weeks ago.

Anyway, my fixation was around having caught HIV since my maternal screening which was negative in November 2009 and I was convinced I had it. Anyway today I went to see a sexual health councillor and I plucked up the courage to take an rapid HIV test which was negative, much to my releif.

However, my mind has taken another irrational leap and has started thinking what if the needle and syringe was not a new one and that the councillor is one of these crazy people who want to infect people. I saw the needle in the packet and the syringe (I think). But when I have blood taken I have to look away as dont like to watch the needle go in. So my mind is saying 'what if' when I wasnt looking he swapped the clean syringe and needle for a dirty one with infected blood in it!!

Totally daft I know, but it means if I cant get past this thought I need to wait another 3 months to do another test. I am being silly arent I?

[Maj]

Deep down you know that your thoughts are irrational but anxiety keeps trying to have the upper hand and make you think otherwise! Also, repeated thoughts depend on your dislike of them to keep happening so try not to give them any importance. It's amazing how vivid our imaginations are when we are anxious. When I had repeated thoughts I could have written a book and it would have been a best seller!! When you have the thoughts about the needle, etc. try and let it wash over you and don't be afraid of it. It's only the result of anxiety and a tired mind. Especially as you have such a young baby!! It's good that you are on meds to help and hopefully they will help soon. Try and make light of your thoughts and let them not matter. When they don't matter then they gradually disappear.

[anthrokid]

Hey,

Thinking irrationally like this is completely normal with someone who has anxiety relating to a specific thing. Remember, you did see the needle in the packet, and there's no way any person who works at a sexual health clinic would purposely infect you. I know it is really hard to overcome (I have an irrational fear of peanut allergy) but it's important to recognise that it is just the anxiety causing you to think this and that it isn't actually anything that could have happened. Have you been seeing a therapist? Or you could speak to your doctor about your worries.

To reassure you, I got a tattoo in a little hut in a village in Cambodia and I'm still HIV free I have no doubt that you are HIV free. Stop doubting yourself, you will be ok.

[worriedmummy1]

I know I am being irrational, but because I had to look away for a short while when the needle when in and he drew blood I keep thinking he may have swapped the clean needle for one that had infected blood in it!! He seemed to take a while to get the blood out and said it was coming out slowly which has made me even more worried!!

[bexy1970]

oh god, how our daft minds work eh? we know were being daft but we cant help it!!! theres no no way that it wouldnt be a completely new syringe.. pleeeze try to stop worrying xxxx

[worriedmummy1]

Thanks guys for your comments. I went to see the counsellor again today that did the test to tell him my thoughts, he tried to reassure me that he goes overboard on making sure everything is totally new and just so when it comes to taking blood, but there is that nagging doubt of 'what if he's a good lier???'

I did ask if I could go for another test in 12 weeks if my thoughts had not gone, he said I could, but dont need to and what would be the difference. Next time thought I will take somebody with me who can watch and make sure all is just so. I guess I am just for the time being going to have to take a leap of faith that everything was done as it was supposed to be, and I have not been infected from a dirty needle and syringe when having the test done. Really need to get this off my chest to hubby, need to some wine I think to help me get it all out there!! x