cinemas and going places

[Sueblue]

The other evening I got invited to the cinema for tomorrow. I immediately said yes because I would love to go and haven't been to a cinema for years. So far so good BUT since accepting the invite the anxieties are now starting to build up. Why aren't I normal - why can't I just get my glad rags on and look forward to an evening out. Instead - as the day is getting nearer I am feeling jittery. What's the cinema going to be like - will it be claustrophobic? Will I feel like trapped in there and panic and want to run out. How can I do that - I will be with a stranger, will I leave him sitting there - how will I get home, get a taxi. By then panic will be off the richter scale. The thought of getting in his car and just setting off down the road makes me feel edgy just sitting here and thinking about it. I will probably want to to get out of the car before the engine is started. When I get in the car I have to open the door and check that it isn't a central locking thing. Not long ago I went to a meeting with my boss and i was already in a bad state, we drove into an hotel car park and as he pulled up and stopped the engine his mobile rang. The car door wouldn't open - the windows wouldn't open and he was talking on his mobile. By then I was behaving like a mad woman, screaming and crying to get out. He was so apologetic - I think he thought I had lost my mind. I trembled all the rest of the day through the meeting. We've just moved to new office premises quite recently and the system is push buttons and codes to get out. We had to meet with a design specialist to discuss fixtures and fittings. We met in the car park of this place and suddenly I refused to go into the building. Both the boss and this guy stood there staring at me and wondering what on earth I was on. Just the thought of going into the offices and being unable to get out. I ran to my car and sat there trembling and crying - the poor bloke looked stunned and my boss didn't know what to do. So many bad memories of these scary things which put me off doing things twice. I daren't go into shopping malls unless I have a map with all the emergency exits on. It isn't always like this - at the moment I am quite sane - some of the things I am mentioning here are my worst nightmares. My husband died quite recently - I've cared for him while he has been seriously ill for a long time as well as working full time. When he's been in hospital I have traveled to work and then visited the hospital each night - 40 miles visiting, often sitting the laybys on the way home crying and ringing the hospital asking if they thought he would die and should I go back. When he was home I would be scared to sleep - listening for him in the next bedroom. Then scared to go into his room next morning in case he had died. Then he was on dialysis and I had to set the machine up each night when I got in from work, he would be on it until 5.00 am next morning and then I would have to record all the information from it before switching it all off and going to work. Before that he was waiting for a heart transplant - we had to have a bag packed in case a donor organ came along. I had to be able to get home from work in 30 minutes if he got a call. I would constantly be looking out of the office window to ensure no one parked behind me blocking me in, and if they did I would be out in the car park doing a riot act. He would ring me at work telling me he was stuck on the stair lift which would break down, he had no use in his legs - off I would go - driving home like a mad woman, ringing the stair lift people giving them a piece of my mind. Eventually I got to the point that driving scared me so much - as soon as I saw the cars in front start to jam up, an accident ahead or anything and I would be gasping for air. Some times I would see the traffic at either side of me and just want to - and even consider getting out of the car and leaving it right there. The supermarket - abandoning my trolley in the middle of the aisle, and I've done that - run to a check out telling anyone w

[jackie]

oh sue you have been through it. you must be exausted which cannot be helping you. i find the tirder i am the worse the anxiety gets, and i am tired listening to you.

take your time, dont be too harsh on yourself, we can all see what you have been through, you see it too and no that you are not loosing it, you are simply tired, grieving and afriad.

get claire weekes books on how to cope in anxiety or panic states, take some me time and read it. dont punish yourself if you do or do not make it to the cinema, you will go one day if not now. you will do everything you used to do when you are properly healed.

and you can talk to us although im sure your friends would love to help too.

not in sane just understandably tired and weary

take care of yourself
jackie

[Alexandra]

Hi Sue

I completely understand how you feel.

We had a big birthday for my mum last year & i took my first brave step of going to London with my fiance & my family. ( I have mild agraphobia ) anyway i was so scared when we were all stood outside the theatre for an afternoon show (which was absalutly fantastic) that i thought i might pass out my heart was beating so fast & i felt hot & cold but with support from my fiance i got in the theatre felt very hot but managed to enjoy the show.

What im trying to say is when you get there im sure you will end up being swept along with what you will be seeing & not the environment.

Remember deep breaths steps at a time. You can do it.

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[Sueblue]

Hi

Thanks Alexandra and Jackie for your support, I regret posting this now as in the cold light of day it looks like it has been written by a mad woman.

My fingers are crossed that the evening will be fine. Wish I didn't have to mull it over so much before hand.

Thanks again - and best wishes to you both.

Sue

[Alexandra]

Hi Sue

You are not mad. You just wanted advice & other people's points of view (Same thing really) Anyway will be thinking of you. Let us know how you got on okay?

Take Care



Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[Piglet]

Sue,

It doesn't look like it was written by a mad woman at all mate, just someone who has had so much thrown at her over the years and now may need a bit love and reassurance back.

At the moment it would make sense to be your own best friend and talk to yourself the way you would if this were a friend who had gone though all you have gone through.

Be really kind to yourself and try not to worry about what you can't manage, it is absolutely understandable how you are feeling and is your body's reaction to all you have had to deal with.

Let the people around you help you and don't be scared they will think you are mad - it will take a little of the pressure off you if you do confide in them, as you won't be trying to appear normal all the time (whatever normal is ).

Realise that going to the cinema is a distraction, not a punishment and it is totally your choice if you want to go - don't go to test yourself, go because you deserve a little treat out. If this isn't really a treat at the moment then choose something to do that is.

At the moment its about you and what makes you feel happy so those are the things to concentrate on.

Lots of good wishes and keep posting.

Love Piglet xx

[pauline]

Hi Sueblue

I had to reply to your post. As the feeling's you are having are just the same as me and so many people have on this site you are not going mad at all its just your bodies why of telling you to take it easy. You had so much stress in your life you would have to be a super human not to have some kind off anxiety. Please and this is speaking from experience you MUST tell your friends and also your boss. Keeping it in is the worst thing you can do. Your friends love you they want the best for you and you trying to carry on and say nothing is only hurting you. Once its out ok so the panic is just not going to disappear overnight but the pressure is off you, trying to hold on to it to appear like our normal when inside you are falling apart. I never told anyone frightend off what people would think and i kept it in for years its only really since i have told who ever will listen lol that i sometimes have panic attacks that i have got so much better.

Is it possible you could tell this guy how you feel? Also i have not been to the hairdressers in years because i was frightend if i needed toget away i would look so stupid running out off the shop my hair covered in shampoo. Perhaps as others have said your not ready to go to the cinema just yet. Perhaps you could go somewhere else for a drink?

Take care and remember you will get better.

Pauline

[Meg]

Sue,

What a time you've had..

Its not surprising that you are having a tough time. All your time and thoughts were taken up and now you have room in your mind and these scary thoughts in your mind and they are getting energy from you so are struggling more and more.

You may do better to explain your issues to a trusted person so you can ask for extra support at times.

Try talking to Cruse as they can be very helpful post bereavements. Also do continue with your CBT as it will help you manage all of these things.

I hope you do go tonight and enjoy yourself and manage to keep all your what ifs in perspective.

Be kind to yourself above all else and give yourself time to heal and grieve.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[nomorepanic]

Sue

Wow so much going on and I am sorry to hear about the death of your husband.

It may sound like you are a mad woman but I think most of us can relate to all of what you have said.

With regard to the boss and the car thing - the last big panic attack I had was after the death of Alex's dad and we just got back from the hospital and Alex decided we needed petrol so we stopped off and he automatically filled up and locked the car! I had already been panicky that day and now he had locked me in the car and I couldn't get out. Nothing would open cos he had the keys and I was trapped. I couldn't even ring him cos he left the phone in the car.

When he got back I was panicking like mad trying to get out, he has never been forgiven for that one lol.

So I can understand a lot of your worries.

With regard to the cinema - make it easier on yourself by sitting near the back and on the end of a row so if you really need to get up you won't feel so embarrassed about it.

Good luck and I hope you manage to go.

Nicola

[Sueblue]

Hello everyone - thanks for all your support and comments - hearing that others are behaving in this strange way really does help. I went to the cinema, I knew I had no choice because I had said yes. I know - we all have choices but I am rubbish at letting people down. Especially because I am being pathetic.
Nothing prepared me for it - 8 big screens, massive shopping centre and car parks full of cars. He must have thought I looked not quite right because he asked if I was okay - I responded with "bit init"? Like some kid wide eyed in wonderment. Then I started feeling anxious and asking daft questions "will we have to go far into the building - can't go in a lift - will it be up flights of stairs". Poor bloke had never been to this place before.
Then we got in this massive shopping mall with excalators up to cinema floor -cor blimey if he didn't want to go to the toilet then. I wanted to too but daren't - I was too busy having the screaming ab-dabs. WHAT IF I get locked in the loo - WHAT IF he comes out and we miss each other.
Anyway - got in and seated - all nice and sitting comfortably - WHAT IF the place gets on fire - how did I get in here and then memorising the corridors. Oh WHAT IF I have to go to the loo and cant' find my way back to my seat. WHAT IF I have to run out of here. The film last over 2 hours and by which time I had started to shake and shiver, even my lips were quivering as I was trying to speak. The thought of standing up to go out I really didn't think I would be able to.
So - it's been a long night. He went off to the loo AGAIN (lucky him) because by then I was hopping on one leg:-)
And as a thank you he then wanted to take me for a meal to finish the night off. How could I say no..... we went to a pub, ordered the meal - long wait as they were busy. Off I went again WHAT IF it doesnt' hurry up and I have to get out of here and he has ordered and paid for the food. I didn't even want it - the thought of eating was out the window.
But we eventually got served.

So relieved to be here in the safety of my own space - a cup of tea, a chat - relaxed, laughed and behaved NORMAL. So it is possible to feel normal.

What has tonight been all about - so damn difficult, I feel upset and quite tearful at how difficult it has been BUT I feel pleased that I have done it. You know - as much as I try and as much as I talk about it - I really cannot see this getting any better. There was no reason for my irrational fears tonight - but my heart was beating like a drum and I could feel the blood rushing around my body.

Oh well - 1.00 am - bed time. Barley and Casper in bed (pets) and me sitting here talking to myself:-) But thanks all for listening. (I'll regret writing this by morning)