Help me please!!! Cant let go of thoughts

[worriedmummy1]

I'm really struggling to let go of my intrusive thought. Its all around HIV. I had a test on tuesday which was negative, but keep worrying that the counsellor who did used a dirty needle and syringe with infected blood. As I had to look away I keep thinking he may have swapped the clean one for a dirty one when I wasnt looking.

I went to see him again yesterday to let him know my thoughts and he tried to reassure me that he always, always uses clean, new sterile equipment and is has own ocd about making sure its just so. So why cant I let go of the thought. He was recommended to me by a friend who had worked with him and says I have no reason to be worrying about this at all.

I'm almost frightened to let go of the thought in case I there is a chance I need to be worried about it and that it might just be true. What can I do?

My GP has referred me to a councellor, but they are on holiday and it could be 3 weeks before I get to see them!! I'm desperate to get back to normal!!

[LisaLisa]

Hey sweetie

Im so sorry i havent replied to your message but for some reason i cant getinto my personal messages and i only saw your through my email, god knows why!!

I will keep trying though.

Listen, you will not shift this thought by deliberating trying to. It doesnt work this way. The only way to do this is by totally IGNORING the fear with all your energy and keep doing it becuase what happens is that before bvery long at all....YOU WILL STOP BEING FRIGHTENED BY THOSE THOUGHTS!! and then they will GO!!

I promise that is the recommended way to deal with our problem that the NHS psychologist that I was reffered to exaplined to me.

I know its hard for you to see your own behaviour as being unusual becuase you have the emotion thoughts behind to make it seem rational. But IT ISNT! and neither is mine consequently.

You could try this, it works for me.....think to yourself.....would i have done this if i wasnt over anxious? or would i have done this previously when i didnt worry as much? or you could think of someone you admire who deals with things calmly and rationally and think to yourself, would they disbeleive their tests?

I always use this as a guide now before i act. And by doing this i have not been any where near GUM Clinic or Dr for over a year.

Going back to the clinic and questioning the tester is a reassurance behaviour that will keep your anxiety firing strongly. This wont help at all. Your goal is to turn down the HIV thought in your mind not try to answer it...beucase your mind does not want to hear the answer!!

Can you try and pm me again and maybe that will help me get into them again!!

Lisa
xxxx

[worriedmummy1]

Thanks Lisa, have you ever had the thought of whether the needle was clean when they took your blood for testing? My husband is not concerned, he said this man is a professional counsellor (not that he has met him). But I keep questioning what happened when I wasnt looking as if he is some nutter out to infect people when he can!!

I have now convinced myself I need another test to make sure I was not infected when the one was done on Tuesday, aaaaarrrrrgghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LisaLisa]

Gosh I have thought sooooooo many things like that!

What i almost giggled at ironically was your post about the razor thing and the two sisters cos I read the exact same thing and for ages I was 100% convinced that I had given it to my friend becuase she has some similar symptoms to me physically. OMG !!! When i read that I just freaked!! I asked my psychologist and he calmed me right down with that. I also though that I had given it to my brother too becuase i used his razor when we were on holiday to shave my legs - he didnt know! and i decided that becuase he had recently lost weight then you know what!! Also a long time ago when my health anxiety was in the background I bought a blood sugar moitoring machine and i let my mum and dad use it. Guess what I decided!??!?! That they had it too from my mahcine despite the fact that the damn stuff you put in it is disposable!! But OH NO they had it too!!

It went on like this until i started to think things like most of them had given blood a lot since then and they would have found out that way blah blah I thought abnout it all soooooo much It was awfull. The psychologist reasuured me that I was not as mental as i worried and that my thoughts were just a tad extreme.

I felt sooo ill all that time with the constant fear and adrenaline and at athat time I was always on net as well reading statistics about hiv and the tests......my god as if i would get a diagnosis from the net!! AND as if i would want to come to a conlusion like that all alone in front of the lap top!!

But its an obsession......its really hard to stop it

I hope your okay sweetie, I know you will be YOU DONT HAVE HIV!!! thats the last reasurance i will give you cos you dont need it really!!

Lisa
xxxxxx

[sugarpuff]

Hi Lisa & worriedmummy,
i dont mean to hijack your post but i have been following your posts as i had exact same thing a year ago, one day i covinced myself i had HIV so went for a test which was negative, but immidiately afterwards same thoughts about dirty needles being infected by the doctor that did the test etc etc, i had a total melt down was on prozac,beta blockers and zopicone for 8 months i stopped all the meds a few months ago, i am still in counselling which has been a huge help and the whole inccident around the first test has passed now and no longer bothers, but still anxiety
and destructive thoughts wont go away, i wont bore you with the details my counsellor says i manage my anxiety now, basically i can rationalise my mind to stop panic attacks without medication, anyway i wont ramble on, the whole point of the post was to say hi im a fellow anxiety sufferer with same worries, and that i have found counselling a great help, also want to try CBT but i pay for my counselling so cant really afford CBT as well i have always felt so alone with this , but it seems im not thanks for reading
vickie xxx

[worriedmummy1]

Thanks Vickie & Lisa for your posts.

Today has been the best day I've had so far, but I still cant shake the thought that although I saw a clean needle in its packet and syringe in its packet, the counsellor may have whipped out a dirty one when I wasnt looking and got rid of it again before I looked back. I am now convinced I need another test, but will have to wait for enough time to elapse and I find this quite distressing.

As I said on my previous post, my husband is not concerned. He was not with me when I had the test, but said the councellor is a professional and all is fine, everything will have been done as it should be.

Vickie, did you retest after thinking the dr may have used a dirty needle when you had yours done?

I want to let go of my thoughts, but am scared to incase there is a grain of truth in them and I do actually have good reason to be worried about having blood taken for the test on Tuesday. Its a vicious circle!!