i've just read your stories and god i'm immensely grateful to see that others out there are struggling with the same issues i'm battling with, and i'm also very grateful to see the issue of drug use is not a taboo topic in here. the last anxiety forum i was a part of were totally negative towards my past drug use, i don't think they could even comprehend my reasons, perhaps they saw me as very weak with no will power...but it has really helped me to see that others have used it as a coping mechanism, as a way to flee the wretched feelings that plaugh us day in and day out. also very delighted to see that there is a fellow nurse in here too! i'm a registered nurse - just completed my uni degree last yr and am awaiting a graduate yr in june this yr. currently i work in aged care, whilst i await my start in the hospital. i'm 24 and it has taken me 5 yrs to complete my 3 yr degree, and yes i could blame this on me smoking marijuana every night for a yr, and popping ectasy here and there, but i know in my heart that the social anxiety was the driving force behind this action. marijuana seemed at 1st to be wonderful - it would make me happy and free, and my anxiety sedated. but then came the paranoia, withdrawal, vagueness, mood swings, and sometimes, irrational thinking - and i knew it was time to call it quits. i had a huge panic attack on ectasy eventually too - and i knew that my illicit drug taking had to be ceased, otherwise i would have more than anxiety to worry about. i have been on a heap of meds, seen quite a few psychiatrists and psychologists, have participated in a self esteem course and yoga. the counselling has been very helpful and has made me accept myself and my feelings much more, as well as wonderful support from my family and friends have made it possible for me to stand here and tell you my story. without them i would be 6 feet under my now. however, i can accept my feelings for what they are and who i am, but that does not mean that i like living with them. i feel continuously held back by my anxiety in every asepct of life - it has imparied my work, my social life and relationships. my courage just abandonns me, and i know that is due to my deep seeded feeling of inadequacy and insecurity, and that at the end of the day, i'm not good enough. however, psychiatrist has put me on parnate,20mg per day, which i commenced last friday, and although it has only been 5 days, this drug appears to be working wonders for the anxiety and the worry and the phobias. it makes me a bit drowsy and i do feel lightheaded in the morning as i have gone from lying to standing, and there is a drop in the BP known as postural hypotension, which i have to look out for, otherwise i nearly fall on my ass, if i go too quickly...lol. have been on virtually all the SSRIs in the past, efexor, aropax, zoloft, provac- with no success, as well as rivotril (clonazepam), propranolol, valium, serepax, luvox, and avanza - with little benefit, or as in the case of rivotril - too much benfit in terms of `anxiety...huh?'...i felt absolutely no panic attacks, no worry, no anxiety on this drug, but it killed my personality as well - i became very apathetic and very vague on it. in short, i turned in to a zombie on that stuff, so it was shown the door also.
anyway, enough of my rambling. sending lots of love and hugs to you all. you are all so courageous to share your stories with one another, it is not easy, but the support and non-judmental attitude of you people is incredible and inspiring. also, in all honesty, therapy is a good thing, but i find support and TLC from family and friends to be the solid rock that i cling to when **** hits the fan, and that's what i see in here - you're like one big family, and that is a wonderful thing. bye. xox.
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] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric
to answer your qs, no i'm not in therapy at the moment. i went through all of that last yr, and as i said before, it helped me to understand why i feel the way i do and that social anxiety is more prevalent that people would like to believe, but for me, it didn't take the anxiety feelings away...my courage still bails on me and the fear is ever still present, hence why i talked to my psychiatrist about trying parnate. yes, i'm on a tyramine free diet, so no cheese (which is a killer i might add. i LOVE cheese!), no vegemite (another killer, being an aussie we were brought up on the stuff), no red wine, no beer, no smoked or processed meat, like salami, smoked slamon, etc. you can have a drink, no more than 2- the pharmacist informed me, but i haven't really felt the need to drink since i've begun parnate, but i'm thinking for social situations it can be awkward, so i think i'll just stick to my 2 bacardi and cokes and offer to drive. cheaper night out anyhow...yes, my social anxiety does affect my work - hence it took me 5 yrs to complete a 3 yr degree. it was never my level of intelligence in question, i actually got good marks, but it was the final hosp placement called consolidation clinical, in which i managed to fail twice, basically due to being on medication that didn't agree with me at the time. rivotril was one that we tried, and i just couldn't remember anything, but i didn't realise this until i was doing the placement. i could function on it in a social sense, but when i really had to concentrate and remember what was going on with my patients and their plan of care and treatment, i realised that it it wasn't working. the nurses noticed also, and tried to ask me was everything ok, but the problem with rivotril as well, for me anyway, is you stop giving a **** about everthing. when i failed that placement, i didn't care and that's when i knew it had to end, something that i'm passionate about and have worked so hard at to finish, suddenly was not even a priority for me anymore. the second shot at it, one month later, was hardly any better than the first, because i was on efexor at this stage, and i did nothing for my panic attacks and anxiety, so i failed because i got so nervous that i could hardly think straight and pulled too many sickies coz i would throw up before hand and i could hardly eat anything, so i lost weight and got run down, and then ended up with a cold anyhow, so i missed too many days and they failed me on lack of attendance. my last shot at it, i'm proud to say was done completely drug free, and i did really well and got a great report from my clinical teacher. she noticed that i was nervous, and pulled me aside one day and told me that my competency level was exceptional, but she said there is a discepancy b/w your confidence level and your ability level. basically saying why is your confidence so low when you're a very capable nurse. i explained to her that it deosn't seem to matter what people tell me, there's this part of me that just cannot believe them, and continues to beat myself up all the time...i just don't think i'm good enough, and nothing i do, will ever be good enough. also went on to say, i internalise a lot of stuff, and feel that if i exposed it, i will face rejection, and that's why i keep much inside. she was a really nice lady and we had a few more talks over the course of the placement, which did help, but as i explained, the feelings were still there, less intensified though perhaps, because i felt her support. i explained to my psychiatrist that i feel held back and not living my potential, i know that what these people tell me is right, but i just cannot have faith in myself enough to believe it. so we've started on the parnate, and so far, so good...it's helping to give me a shot of confidence and not fear and worry so much about things. hoping you're all doing ok and much love to you all. xxxx.
