Letting everyone down - can't push myself - constant excuses - will it ever end?

[Aubrey]

Hi everyone - i am a new user, but i previously joined this forum quite a while ago under a usename that i can't remember. I have been a regular visitor, and have found myself registering again because i don't know where else to turn.

My situation is that right now - im supposed to be in college. My course started 3 weeks ago - and in that amount of time, i have been for only 2 days. For the first week, i was recovering from a kidney infection, and physically couldnt go. Second week started and i got on alright, but by wednesday my old anxieties crept back up on me, and prevented me from going.

Im 19 years old, with a past full of anxieties, but i won't give you my life story here I'm married, and extremely happy with my husband.


This is my 3rd time at college - the first 2 i didn't finish because of my anxiety holding me back. Its all happening again. I do not know what to do. I feel so alone, and i feel i have no one to talk to. I don't have friends (something that depresses me greatly) and my husband is going to get so fed up of me. I can't tell my family anymore - they've seen it all before. I've been messaging my tutor throughout the week, telling her i will see her the following Monday...Wednesday...Thursday...and it just doesn't happen. I don't know what she must think. I phoned the samaritans confidentaly last Monday and got no help at all - the lady on the phone judged me and after a while, i felt i may as well be talking to my own mother.

I feel so scared and alone, but i couldn't tell you what i was scared of. I woke up this morning 2 hours before college starts and i sit on my own thinking "Hmm maybe i will go in at lunchtime today instead of 9am..."
What kind of attitude is that!?


I don't know what i need, i just need something...I don't know what my next step is. College today goes on til 3.30 - its 1.00pm now and i feel rooted to this spot - and filled with dread and worry about what i have to say to my husband when he gets back :(

This is no way to be at 19 - this is no way to live life at all! :(

Im seeing a counsellor who i arranged to see through college, on thursday - but am worrying about what i do until thursday! The easy option would be to sod college until then - but ive already missed enough time!


Thank you for reading this, i just don't know where to turn anymore. I feel hopeless, absoultly hopeless.

[diane07]

Aww hun

You are not hopeless at all.

Can you not speak to your tutor and explain what is worrying you, it may put you at ease if she knows and understands how you are feeling. Sometimes with me it helps me if others know how i am feeling, i'm not too bothered if they don't understand but just to get it off my chest calms me down.

Is there any chance you can see the counsellor before thursday?

di xx

[paula lynne]

Welcome back I wonder if re-reading the info on panic and anxiety on the left will help allay your fears. xx

[fairyclairy]

Hi,

Sorry you are struggling again but i assure you that you'll get the support and reassurance you need on this site.. it has helped me a great deal over the years!

Im posting on here because you remind me of myself a few years ago.... Im 22 now, but have been through college and finished uni last year and now have a job.. when i started college i was terrified... i went in with my mum before i started the course to talk to the teachers and tell them of my anxiety and panic attacks etc... that helped enourmously!! So i would definitly advice you to let you tutors know because there might be more things that can be done to help you that you are unaware of... e.g, work sent home, handouts given through email so you can still recieve the information etc... also in class, you might be able to move nearer the door, or have a one to one tuition if you are struggling etc... i also told all my friends, i know it sounds weird to make fun out of this awful illness, but i did! I just made a joke out of it... for example, if i needed to go out for some air during my lesson (which happened alot for the first few months!!) i would say "just nipping out for some air again.. but dont worry il leave enough for you lot" .. i know we shouldnt make fun out of it because it is so deblitating but that just got me through it... and it made my friends and class mates aware of what i was suffering with without forgetting i might struggle abit!

I dont know what course you are studying but in mine i had to do presentations.... i tried one, and walked out half way through saying "here we go again...." the teachers and everyone understood and i didnt have to take part in any others if i didnt feel able too.... id still do the work to show my tutors but id hand write my presentation and not actually have to stand up there and talk!

I struggled alot with colllege and uni.... but i got through it, and so will you!

I never thought i would complete a 2 year college course, and then go on to do 3 years at uni and now have a job... but i have, and you can do it too!!

I would definitly advice you to talk to your tutors, its amazing how much a difference that can make.... if i could, id walk around with a sticker on my head sayng 'anxiety sufferer.. may have to run out!!' because i feel better if everyone knows... if anything, so they dont think im weird leaving all the time etc

Iv got to the stage now where i dont have to go out for some air, i just deal with it because i know panic/anxiety cannot harm me so instead of using my energies to run out and escape, i now use all my energy to stay put in my chair!!

Why not try and go in for the last hour today? Ease yourself into it knowing you can leave in an hour... instead of going it at 9am and knowng you have to be there all day! You can also try and talk to your tutor today?

If you dont feel you can do that, why not ring up today and ask to speak to your tutor? That way you dont have to tell them face to face..

Hope iv helped alittle xx

p.s, i remember those days of sitting on my bed telling myself il go in at dinner time.... it never happened!

[Aubrey]

Thank you ever so much, fairy, that is very inspiring and put a smile on my face! It's great to hear that you found a way through your anxieties at college and uni and find yourself in a place where you can say "Hey! I did that!"

I have emailed both my husband, and a mentor lady at college. I have already tried emailing my tutor (who i can't get hold of on the phone) but she never replies. The mentor lady told me a few weeks back that she would speak to my tutor briefly for me, explaining my situation, so that when i go to her, it won't be new to her - which is great.

I'm not sure what i will do for the next couple of days comng up to the counselling appointment on Thursday, but i will try and be strong.

My main fear at the moment is being kicked off my course, and as this is my 3rd time around, i can't let that happen!

And thank you Diane, for your kind words I'm not able to see my counsellor sooner, but i will try and relax and not worry too much about it - Thursday is just round the corner and it will be here in no time. From there on, i'll be able to (hopefully) see a counsellor each week - i look forward to it alot