In Pain

[moomintroll]

Feeling so low at the moment, my relationship broke down one week ago after 3.5 years. I have built my life in the place I am now around my ex and he was my best friend. I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to and feel very frightened about the future.

I know that I am lucky in some respects. I have a house, horse and car, but I feel like the largest and most important aspect of my life is now missing - having that closeness.

I feel like I am a bad person because my family are trying to support me and cheer me up but I feel like they don't bring the same happiness to me that my ex did. Does that sound really horrible?

I have been doing ok up until tonight - I just suddenly feel absolutely awful and in so much pain emotionally. I am frightened my depression/anxiety is going to return and plummet worse than last time.

I am only 29 years old and feel like I will never be happy again.

[lentils]

hi moomintroll i feel for you my own relationship has just broken up after 26 years and its so painful i wish you every luck and happiness for the future. lentils...

[Nigel]

Aww moomintroll,

Have a

“I am only 29 years old and feel like I will never be happy again.”

Never is a very long time

“I feel like I am a bad person because my family are trying to support me and cheer me up but I feel like they don't bring the same happiness to me that my ex did. Does that sound really horrible?”

Not at all. In fact it makes perfect sense. They cannot bring that one thing that’s missing most at the moment – that ‘closeness’. But no doubt they can bring a different sort of ‘happiness’ in other ways that even your ex couldn’t. It’s all about fulfilling different emotional needs in different ways.

When a long term relationship breaks down it’s almost like a bereavement. In some ways it can be harder because the person we love is still around, but not around for us any longer. A period of grieving is only to be expected, and one week probably seems like forever at the moment, but really it is still very early days.

I suppose a period of sadness is to be expected so try to allow yourself to experience that. But it will get easier and you’ll find that happiness slowly returning. Perhaps spending some time with your horse would help.

Take care
Nigel

[moomintroll]

Oh Lentils,

I am so sorry to hear that - I can only imagine what you must be going through after 26 years and then the loss of the person you have loved. The pain is so cruel and just when you start to pick up and distract yourself something reminds you of what you have lost and all the hurt comes flooding back in.

Thankyou to both of you for replying. It really does help a lot to know there are people out there willing to take the time to make me feel better. I feel slightly stronger today, although this being the first weekend without him I am missing him so much. Things like fixing things in the house or garden stuff - it seems almost like a reflex to pick up the phone to text or ring him and ask him how I should do something or for help, and then I realise I can't do that. He is still there for me and I know he would be more than happy to help, but I need to stop relying on him to be there and get used to being alone again. I sit here and wonder whether he is missing me and whether he is hurting too. He does keep checking in by text and asking how I am and if I have gone back to work yet (I took a week off). I went to the supermarket before and my brain automatically homed in on a deal on ales - which I know he would have loved, and then I had to remind myself that I won't be buying them anymore. Silly little things to worry about aren't they?!

Sorry, I know I am going on a bit - but it does seem to help getting it all down in writing!

[moomintroll]

Oh, and Nigel, you are definately right about spending time with my horse helping - I have been trying to spend as much time as possible with her and I think she is beginning to get sick of the sight of me now!!

I have cried into her mane so much I may aswell have shampooed it whilst I was there!

[lentils]

i suppose we have to get on with it but your right i still do all those things that you do when your together without thinking then suddenly think i dont have to do that anymore , but what really gets to me is that she had this affair for over a year hes got 5 bedroom house a bmw and is loaded but i now find out that nearly all of my so called friends all knew about this and not one of them told me a thing good mates aint they sorry im waffling on a bit i hope time heals like every one says take care. lentils...

[moomintroll]

That is absolutely awful - you really have gone through the mill. It's good though to be able to share your feelings on here at least - I know it is only a miniscule tiny 'good' but at least it may ease just a smidgeon of hurt and pain momentarily.

I feel worse when it gets to around 4pm onwards - mornings surprisingly I feel quite strong and don't hurt as badly. One thing that I am finding particularly difficult is the idea of going to the places we have been together, and the idea of me being with someone else makes me feel physically sick. A strange thing sort of happened almost subconsciously today - I was picturing mentally what it would be like to meet someone else in the future and if I could see myself ever having the same bond and closeness with someone...and I immediately thought I would speak to my ex about it tonight and see what he thought! It was like a complete reflex reaction! Strange!!

[Maj]

I really feel for you and can understand completely how you feel. My relationship has ended after 33 years and the sense of loss is unbearable. I can't even contemplate starting all over again and am taking one day at a time, which is the only thing we can do. You are not alone with these horrible feelings and we can only hope that as time passes then we can get stronger. Take care x

[moomintroll]

Maj, sounds like you are coping so well to - my relationship is a smidgeon of time compared to yours and Lentil's so I admire the strength you must have to even be able to get on here and reply to my post.

I have walked this road before after a 5 year relationship ended, and I was feeling similar then, only difference is that this time this person and I were a lot closer and I built my whole life here in my town around him as I only met him two weeks after I moved here. Feel so lost. I know the best thing is to keep busy but in a way I feel that makes it worse - as everytime I do get the odd moment where I am distracted, I then remember it and the pain doubles. I have even had to buy new clothes as I don't want to wear the clothes which I have bought during my relationship..and can't turn dvds on because we have watched them together. My mother is staying at the moment and cooked a curry for me the other night - and the smell of it made me feel sick (don't get me wrong - that's not a slur on my mother's cooking -although she did burn a jelly once!) because my ex and I used to regularly eat curries and love spicy food. And I feel like I am a horrible person because I feel like I don't want to talk to some of my friends who are 'smug marrieds'!

Would be nice to hear how you all get on as the weeks go by - please continue to post here and let me know. It doesn't make the pain go but it does make me feel like I am not alone, hope it does for you all too.

[lentils]

hi maj sorry to hear that we seem to be in the same boat i know exactly what you mean by not being able to start again could,nt even bring myself to try its been so long wouldnt know what to say or do i wish you future hapiness and take care . lentils...