Family stuff

[JaneC]

Several thing getting me down on this front

My son, who started uni in September, is not coping well with living in halls of residence. I hate to see him sad and lonely.

My husband has a variety of mainly non-physical probs due to having MS - terrible memory, angry outbursts, bad decisions that have left us in a financial mess etc - I know his condition could be so much worse but it's still hard to live with at times.

And now my daughter (14, tellingly) has started to give us problems. Yesterday my husband refused to give her a lift to school (on the basis that it was her fault that she was running late, an ongoing thing in the mornings). She later sent him a text saying that he disgusted her.

He spoke to her about it, then later on she came in and cried for hours, said she didn't want to live here anymore because we always shout at her and so on. I suppose she is just being a teenager but I'm so worried. I feel like she's just not going to come home at some point.

Support and/or advice welcome!

[ElizabethJane]

Oh Jane I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time at the moment. I can't offer any advice as my only child is still at school. He is a twelve year old in a sixteen year olds body so his behaviour can be quite challenging at times. Your husbands health must be an on going worry for you and I expect that he is unable to support you at this time. You can always come on here and tell us how you are feeling. A big hug for you and sorry I can't be of any more help. EJ.

[debs71]

Jane, so sorry you are going through rough times right now.

I think that your daughter like you say is going through that teenage thing by the sounds of it, and it must be very hard to deal with as a parent. I haven't experience as a parent, but I have from your daughters side, as I was a very, very moody, argumentative, stroppy teenager and I cringe at the things I put my parents through.Unfortunately, the people we kick off first to is our parents and don't realise how bad we were until we grow up a bit.

It sounds like you are all having a tough time of it and it is so hard when it seems everything is happening all at once too. Just know that we are always here for you hun.xxx

[ditzygirl]

Jane - sounds like a nightmare.

You have an awful lot on your plate here. I am not a parent but am a step parent - not sure whether that's worse or not at times lol.

Your son will soon settle into uni life - I am sure many struggle in the beginning. All you can do is reassure him that you are there for him no matter what.

MS is a toughie isn't it - my mother in law is in a wheelchair with it, nasty, nasty, illness.We are very lucky as we have a fabulous MS Centre in town where she can go for help, support and the oxygen tank that helps her. Do you have such a centre ? From my experience they are brilliant and I have helped at some fund raising events. It is an invaluable tool. Maybe you could get all of you involved in some fund raising or something. Its amazing how good it feels to be helping others - you forget about your own worries. It might help your hubby too, being useful builds your self esteem which I imagine in his case has taken a bit of a battering.

Your daughter is probably just being a teenager, possibly hormonal and possibly struggling in her own way with her brother leaving home and her poorly dad. My parents had a particularly volatile time in their marriage when i was a teenager and it really affects you. Please don't think I am judging you here - life is very tough for all of you , maybe she is fretting in her own way too.
Might be worth checking on the quiet though with the school to see if there is anything else you don'tknow about.

I have to be honest and say I don't envy anyone bringing up teenagers - you need nerves of steel lol!!!!!!

Not sure if any of this helps but I feel fo you I have had a basin full of teenagers lately.
and try and keep your chin upxxxx

[debs71]

Your son will soon settle into uni life - I am sure many struggle in the beginning. All you can do is reassure him that you are there for him no matter what.

That is very true ditzygirl.

Uni is very hard at the start, especially when not only are you starting in a new educational place, but also a new living space in halls of residence.

I still remember my first night in halls. I was very, very shy and spent the whole of the first evening there locked in my room. My first meal was cold beans and corned beef out of a tin as I was too scared to go down to the communal kitchen and cook myself something! It took a little while but I eventually made a couple of friends and from then on it was plain sailing and the best time of my life. I think it is very early days for your son Jane, and things will get better for him. All you can do is just be there for him I think.

lots of love.x

[JaneC]

Thanks so much all of you

EJ, that was just what I needed, I don't expect people to solve my probs but it's great to have somebody listen. I guess my daughter is a bit like your son, has always had a tendency to think she's more grown up than she is - a good thing at times but not always x

Debs, you're right, it is just a combination of things getting on top of me and yes, I'm sure she is just being a teenager (the boys were much easier than this!), and you made me think about what I put my mum through too, which was much worse than what we're dealing with just now. It's lovely to know someone is there for me x

Ditzygirl, I'm sorry about your mum-in-law, and glad that she finds the MS centre helpful. We have one about an hour away which my husband used to go to but hasn't been to for a while. He stopped being able to use the oxygen tank because he always has ear infections. But I was thinking the other day that I might suggest we go up one day. You've put it back in my mind so I think I wlll do that. And, you're right, my daughter has had to get used to a lot with both of us losing out jobs and being ill. I sometimes forget that. Thankyou x

The good news is she came straight home from school, after a bit decided to speak to us and agreed to apologise to her dad. She has epilepsy and i was worried the state she was in last night might trigger a seizure.

So, things a bit better at least on one front. I appreciate you all taking the trouble to post so much - having CFS, I don't get to see the friends I used rely on very often xxx

[JaneC]

That is very true ditzygirl.

I still remember my first night in halls. I was very, very shy and spent the whole of the first evening there locked in my room. My first meal was cold beans and corned beef out of a tin as I was too scared to go down to the communal kitchen and cook myself something! It took a little while but I eventually made a couple of friends and from then on it was plain sailing and the best time of my life. I think it is very early days for your son Jane, and things will get better for him. All you can do is just be there for him I think.

lots of love.x

Poor you Debs - sounds tasty! Yes, I think he is slowly getting there. He's in what is supposed to be a flat but the only place the five of them can get together is the kitchen, no living room. The others seem to have "bonded", but not him. But he has got someone he knows on his course, and it's mainly when he's locked in his little "cell" at night that he struggles. Least he gets home at weekends as his job is still here. I remember how unhappy I was when I left home at first (I was outrageously shy like you) - and I feel his pain xxx

[jillyb]

Hi Debs - it's tough being a parent isn't it? Especially when I expect you, like most of us on here, are a sensitive soul! I am sure your daughter is just being a stroppy teenager - weren't we all?!!! As for your son, having had three go through uni, I know what it's like ... but just a thought, is it possible for your son to find work near his uni as I know that it's the weekends when lots of the bonding (and lord knows what else!) happens and he could be missing out on this. I remember going to my youngest sons halls (it wasn't a big hall, like the other two) when he had been there for 6 weeks and couldn't believe the amount of empty bottles that were artistically placed all around the place (he was at an art uni). We were so shocked to think they'd drunk that much in 6 weeks as there were only 8 of them in the house! Needless to say they all survived and the uni experience gave my son such confidence that he is now living in Australia (which I have to say I find unbelievably difficult, but that's another story). I know how difficult it is when you see them so sad; my eldest son was dumped by his girlfriend in his first term and every night he was on the phone to me, in tears. He then joined various sports teams which was a great way to make friends and 'socialise' (if I can put it politely!) with the girls sports teams. After that he loved uni and met his wife there.
I hope you husband can continue to keep well - it must be very difficult.
Anyway, take care and try not to worry (I know, easier said than done - we wouldn't be on this forum if we could stop worrying!)
Hugs Jilly x

[ditzygirl]

Just pleased to listen and share Jane.

I have another friend with MS she is okish but struggles with walking she is only 31. She is in denial but I know her 13 year old daughter is quite fearful of what the future holds for her mum and as a result is quite a handful.

Life is tough and being a step parent you see things from the outside. When your a parent you are so wrapped up in just surviving - it is really tough.

Don't be too hard on yourselves and you are not alone - we are here anytimexx

[ljd]

Hi Jane,
sorry to hear about your problems.
firstly have you spoken to you son at universitys there is support on offer for people from thier tutors. is he involved in any activities with the university that may help him make friends and do something he likes.

sorry to hear about your husband to, hope thinsg get better there.

as for you teenage daughter yah she is a teenager and thats a difficult age but you can support her through that and there is parenting courses resources on line that you can use to help withmanageing teenagers and communicating with them positively may help. tc