Citalopram Withdrawal Diary: Days 1-9

[diamonddoll]

So, I tried to have a look around for a withdrawal diary, just so I could check my symptoms against someone else's...I'm sure they're out there, but I couldn't find one! I decided to post my own, in the hopes that it might help any of you who are coming off, or who are considering coming off.

Day 1: So, I’ve given up completely, after a few days of 5mg, then 1-2 days off, then 5mg....but today I thought I’d kick it completely. I’ve been clearing out my room and decide to continue this, even though the combination of heavy lifting with withdrawal symptoms maybe isn’t the cleverest thing ever.

Day 2: I’ve had plans to go out with a friend for ages, and for me it’s kind of a moot point as to whether to stay home, tucked up with the tv on while the drug leaves my system, or whether to keep busy. I don’t have much choice with this, and I manage to stay cheerful despite an hour and a half journey on various bits of public transport. It’s a good night, but my energy levels are extremely low. I’m an idiot – I have maybe 3 cocktails at my friend’s, then just one single with mixer while we’re out, and yet I can’t remember huge chunks of the night. Particularly the early stages – I see pictures of myself and can’t remember them being taken, and I could hardly recall the tube journey we had to Tottenham Court Road. This is something I’ve experienced a lot of Cit – for me, it creates horrible effects with alcohol. I always end up really emotional, with the most gruesome hangover, and I’ve started being sick again – something I hadn’t done since uni when I’d drink and drink and drink. So, I stayed up till around 4.30, and on the bus coming home I feel really nauseous, despite not drinking ANY ALCOHOL for at least two hours. By the time we get back to my friend’s, it’s all I can do to stop myself throwing up in a bush. I feel horrible – am breathing deeply, and when I’m back at hers, I rush straight to the bathroom and dry retch a lot, before finally bringing up a drink. (Sorry to be so disgustingly graphic, but I wanted this to be a warts and all account).

Day 3: I have two hours sleep before I have to get up and head home. Surprisingly, on my journey, I’m feeling really confident and positive, and the novelty of not taking a pill makes me feel great. I’m so certain i’m doing the right thing, and feel almost cocky that I’m getting away with it so easily! (I had a few days off the pills before, by accident, when I ran out of a prescription. I honestly thought I was going to die – so the fact that I’m on day 3 without any of those issues seems amazing to me. I really think I’ve beaten it). I’m still getting head whooshes, but these are expected, and they’re lessening all the time. I feel a bit tetchy when I get home, but put that down to the minimal sleep, and decide to sleep it off for the rest of the day.

Day 4: All goes well, until a disaster moment from the afternoon. I’ve got a video of myself that I wanted to send my boyfriend, and I’ve spent the whole day getting it uploaded to Youtube. It’s privated, and since he doesn’t have a Youtube account, I try to set one up for him. In the process of this, it appears that my own account has been deleted, and I go insane. Literally go insane. I go from being so angry I can’t speak to screaming, to hitting the sofa, and I’m crying. Over a Youtube account. It’s totally ridiculous, and yet I can’t seem to rationalise. My boyfriend doesn’t understand what’s going on, but is sympathetic enough as it’s our two year anniversary and I really wanted the video to be perfect for him. Eventually, to my chagrin (and not that I’ve told anyone this), I find I can still log in, I’d just been using the wrong password....luckily, I manage to show the boyfriend before he goes to bed, and we redeem the day because he’s extremely happy with what I’ve sent him. Still, I’m extremely embarrassed about my behaviour.

[diamonddoll]

Day 5: I’m job-hunting at the moment, and have struggled to get motivated. Amazingly, since coming off the Cit, I’m like a new person. I have heaps of motivation, and am working harder than ever at finding a job, as well as looking up lots of volunteer opportunities.
Later on - My teeth hurt. A lot. I’ve had this before while on Cit, and have no idea if it’s related, but it’s something I’ve never really suffered from before in my life, so I am linking the two. It seems that while the head zaps have more or less gone, the cold/flu-like symptoms are up into overdrive, and I have a runny nose all the time. My teeth hurt so much that it’s putting me in a horrible mood, but I take some paracetamol with codeine in, and feel much much better. I sleep easier, but have the usual weird and vivid dreams I’ve got used to having (this time about an ex)

Day 6: Daytime all is fine. I’m so convinced I’ve beaten those demons of withdrawal, plus I’ve got a job interview tomorrow. Brilliant. And then, I go to bed. Nothing’s different, I’m in a nice tidy room with a radio comedy on. And then it happens. Out of nowhere, I start crying. Not crying, actually – sobbing. And I can’t stop. It seems ridiculous; listening to comedy and crying my heart out! But it’s utterly bizarre – it’s like the tears come first, and to justify them, I start thinking of sad things, or rather making things sad in my life, so I’m immersed in a whole pool of self –pity! My boyfriend, who lives abroad at the moment, is a big focus of this. I’m suddenly convinced he doesn’t care about me at all, and I feel heartbroken. After looking up ‘long distance relationships’ on my phone, I am 100% sure he’s either cheating on me or is about to break up with me. The jobhunting gets to me, and despite knowing I have an interview, I suddenly feel I’ve made all the wrong choices in my life, and that I’m going nowhere. It’s the most bizarre experience, and I genuinely feel I might never stop crying! There’s this weird feeling of...almost waiting for things to come to a head, for something to happen, something really bad. Then nothing does, so it’s like you start trying to MAKE it happen, and you antagonise everyone around you. I’m bickering with friends, and with my mum, who I live with....so strange.

Day 7: Interview day, and I wake up feeling like a truck has run over my head. My eyes are seriously puffy, and I’m still a bit shaken from last night. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope, and any minute I could be plunged downwards, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. What compounds all of this is that my mum doesn’t know I’ve ever been on ADs, and so I can’t explain what I’m going through properly. I have my interview, and it goes really well. I see a friend, and that’s great too. I’ve been in touch with the boyfriend and he’s being lovely, if a bit sceptical as to why I’m being so ratty. The rest of the day is fine, until I get a text from a friend, saying the play I’d been cast as the lead in has been cancelled. For a blissful two minutes, I handle it, and then I’m crumbling. I am not just upset, I’m furious! I weep all over the place, and say that this was the only good thing I had going for me, and now it’s gone! In the evening, I go and see family friends, and have a relaxed meal with a nice gin & tonic , which doesn’t affect me. One thing that’s horrible is the sweats I keep getting, and my upper body feels like it’s overheating, while my feet remain freezing. I actually burnt my feet in a normal temperature bath today, because they were so cold in contrast with the water!! I can’t believe the medicine can have such an effect on me physically as well as mentally!

[diamonddoll]

Day 8: I find out I’ve got the job I interviewed for – it’s only a 10 week contract, but it’s good for me at the moment. It’s an up and down day though – I’m in the house on my own, and literally spend the day watching tv. I’m having boyfriend paranoia again, thinking he’s going to dump me. I find this worst of all to deal with, as being in a long distance relationship, I can’t let anxiety and paranoia mess things up between us. I’m supposed to go out to a friend’s gig with another friend, and the second friend (who I don’t know that well) causes a bit of a drama at the gig. It’s something I can’t really deal with properly right now, and I’m embarrassed and upset. However, I’m not flying off the handle, and I’m not crying, and I seem to be managing it ok! I don’t shout at all, and somehow I’m doing ok. I excuse myself early from the friend, and head home before things turn around.

Day 9: Well. A real mixed bag of a week. I’m still feeling a bit paranoid, especially about my boyfriend. I never told him about the ADs as I didn’t want him to think less of me, but I’m now wondering if I should explain. I was put on them after a really stressful time at my old job, and at least I’m trying to come off them, so maybe he’ll understand? At least it would make sense to him why I was being so ratty all week. My cold-like symptoms are at their worst, and I can’t stop sniffing. Same old same old with the sweats sweeping through me, and the very cold feet, and I still feel like if I did anything particularly active, I’d pass out. Moodwise I’m feeling really very ok, but I don’t trust myself an inch at the moment. This has been the scariest thing I’ve ever done, and I’m well aware I’m not remotely out of the woods yet. I’m just hoping I don’t feel inclined to go back on the Cit. Yesterday I was so close to just taking a bit of one tablet, just so I could manage to get through the day and actually DO something. But now, I feel like I’ve come so far that it would be crazy to relapse.

I really hope if you’re going through the same thing, you can recognise some of yourself in here, and know that it’s the medication. Thank you for reading.