So, I tried to have a look around for a withdrawal diary, just so I could check my symptoms against someone else's...I'm sure they're out there, but I couldn't find one! I decided to post my own, in the hopes that it might help any of you who are coming off, or who are considering coming off.
Day 1: So, I’ve given up completely, after a few days of 5mg, then 1-2 days off, then 5mg....but today I thought I’d kick it completely. I’ve been clearing out my room and decide to continue this, even though the combination of heavy lifting with withdrawal symptoms maybe isn’t the cleverest thing ever.
Day 2: I’ve had plans to go out with a friend for ages, and for me it’s kind of a moot point as to whether to stay home, tucked up with the tv on while the drug leaves my system, or whether to keep busy. I don’t have much choice with this, and I manage to stay cheerful despite an hour and a half journey on various bits of public transport. It’s a good night, but my energy levels are extremely low. I’m an idiot – I have maybe 3 cocktails at my friend’s, then just one single with mixer while we’re out, and yet I can’t remember huge chunks of the night. Particularly the early stages – I see pictures of myself and can’t remember them being taken, and I could hardly recall the tube journey we had to Tottenham Court Road. This is something I’ve experienced a lot of Cit – for me, it creates horrible effects with alcohol. I always end up really emotional, with the most gruesome hangover, and I’ve started being sick again – something I hadn’t done since uni when I’d drink and drink and drink. So, I stayed up till around 4.30, and on the bus coming home I feel really nauseous, despite not drinking ANY ALCOHOL for at least two hours. By the time we get back to my friend’s, it’s all I can do to stop myself throwing up in a bush. I feel horrible – am breathing deeply, and when I’m back at hers, I rush straight to the bathroom and dry retch a lot, before finally bringing up a drink. (Sorry to be so disgustingly graphic, but I wanted this to be a warts and all account).
Day 3: I have two hours sleep before I have to get up and head home. Surprisingly, on my journey, I’m feeling really confident and positive, and the novelty of not taking a pill makes me feel great. I’m so certain i’m doing the right thing, and feel almost cocky that I’m getting away with it so easily! (I had a few days off the pills before, by accident, when I ran out of a prescription. I honestly thought I was going to die – so the fact that I’m on day 3 without any of those issues seems amazing to me. I really think I’ve beaten it). I’m still getting head whooshes, but these are expected, and they’re lessening all the time. I feel a bit tetchy when I get home, but put that down to the minimal sleep, and decide to sleep it off for the rest of the day.
Day 4: All goes well, until a disaster moment from the afternoon. I’ve got a video of myself that I wanted to send my boyfriend, and I’ve spent the whole day getting it uploaded to Youtube. It’s privated, and since he doesn’t have a Youtube account, I try to set one up for him. In the process of this, it appears that my own account has been deleted, and I go insane. Literally go insane. I go from being so angry I can’t speak to screaming, to hitting the sofa, and I’m crying. Over a Youtube account. It’s totally ridiculous, and yet I can’t seem to rationalise. My boyfriend doesn’t understand what’s going on, but is sympathetic enough as it’s our two year anniversary and I really wanted the video to be perfect for him. Eventually, to my chagrin (and not that I’ve told anyone this), I find I can still log in, I’d just been using the wrong password....luckily, I manage to show the boyfriend before he goes to bed, and we redeem the day because he’s extremely happy with what I’ve sent him. Still, I’m extremely embarrassed about my behaviour.