Hey everyone...
I just experienced a wicked bad flashback that was really really unpleasant to say the least.
I was watching Cold Case Files, which is one of my favorite shows to watch when a case came on about a woman who was found murdered. She had receieved major head trauma, and if any of you have seen the show you would know that they show graphic crime scene photos. In the photo you could see her one side of her face was all swollen and bruised and it triggered a flashback to my abuse. I was in an abusive relationship, around 10 years ago, and in the end I was beaten very very badly...I don't even know why I didn't go unconscious...my head must have been hit against the wall at least 50 times and I was kicked around my apartmetn like a rag doll. Anyways...when this happened it was mostly to one side of my face, and just when he was going to hit me with a hot iron, my roomate grabbed his arm and stopped him...if she didn't stop him i might have died..or at least had sustained major brain damage and be disfigured for life. Anyways...I got a wicked flashback of that part of him banging my head and her stopping him with the iron, and when I came back to...which was only a few seconds I looked over at my photos of my cousins I love so much, and began to cry thinking that if he had killed me I would never have knowne them....nor would I have ever fullfilled one of my dreams of writing a novel, nor would I have earned my diploma (and working on my second)...and even though I have gone through hell I have found much meaning in my life...plus I would never have met my boyfriend I have now that is so understanding and loving. I was crying so much. I was just very emotional, then a bit of panic set in....and I grabbed my clonazapam....and I am almost out. But my chest feels like it is going to cave in and my eyes keep swelling up with tears.
I know that I have post traumatic stress from that experience and my panic disorder is part of that. I don't get these flashbacks much anymore...and they are different from memories....they are not the same....and they are very stressful on my body and my mind.
Does anyone else experience this, or have experienced this?
I know I am not the only one. I hate these flashbacks....and I hate the emotions I feel that I felt then happen again...and I hate the panic and anxiety that follows. I wish it would stop. I am studying to be a counsellor myself, and I guess it bothers me that these things happen...I want to be strong for my future clients.
I hardly get these flashbacks anymore...it was very scary to experience it again....and to have some panic follow...I wish it would go away.
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