Planned pregnancy but freaking out.

[Meggles]

Hi Guys

I was on this forum a little bit a few years ago when I had a huge breakdown with anxiety.

I have a history of depression and generalised anxiety disorder. When the anxiety hits me bad, it messes me up BIG time. I hate anxiety, it's the most frightening thing in the world. The rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts, but I'll be damned if it's not utterly terrifying.

I've been on antidepressants forever. They worked great until a couple of years ago when I got really sick with anxiety for like a month or two - really really bad. The doctor upped my dose and I was fine again. I've had the odd moment of anxiety but have been able to talk myself through it.

The breakdown a few years ago that I mentioned, was big. I was sobbing and screaming hysterically in bed most days, crying all day, just freaking the **** out. As I said before, the worst bit about anxiety is that the intelligent rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts and that people get through it all the time, but ****kkkk it's the most terrifying thing.

I wasn't afraid of anything in particular - just OF the actual anxiety. Afraid that it wasn't going to go away, that I'd be like this every day, that I'd eventually have to die to make it stop (wasn't suicidal - didn't WANT to die, just thought this was the only way). It's such a vicious circle - you're afraid of being anxious any more, so you become more anxious and it keeps on going. I thought that maybe some people are just destined to die by suicide - maybe some people will just never be well and I was one of them.

I went to hospital a couple of times, and was almost hoping to be admitted to the psych ward just so I could be somewhere safe where they knew how to help. It was by far one of the scariest times of my life.

ANDDDDD now it's back. I'm just under 6 weeks pregnant and it hit me last Monday.

What if after all the trying (we've had 2 previous losses and have been actively trying for a baby - it's all I ever wanted) I'm really not ready? What if I can't handle giving up all of my time and energy for a baby. This is forever, not just when they're a baby.. Forever. 24/7.

I feel like such a bad person for feeling like this.

So Monday when it kicked in, I was like "oh no, not at again, I can't do this again" .. but by afternoon I'd settled down a lot. Still a bit on edge, but not freaking out or anything. And now I'm again a bit on edge but not freaking out. Part of me is kind of proud of myself for getting through it and being okay, but the other part wonders if that's true or if it's just settled for the moment and is going to come back full force.

All I've ever wanted was a baby and to be a Mum. I have heaps of experience with babies and kids, and helped to raise my now 12 year old brother, so I'm not in the dark at all in regards to the work involved.

But this is the first time it's frightened me. It's FOREVER. It's so full on. Once my husband goes back to work after the first few weeks I'll be at home all day with the baby. What if I get PPD? What if I get the anxiety and can't cope?

I don't want to be someone who runs out on my family and my baby, or who ends up stuck in bed freaking out all day or hospitalised while he's at home looking after the baby along.

I went to the GP the other day and he gave me a referral to the mental health people at the ED so I can get some help straight away, rather than waiting a couple of weeks for a private psych appt. So I went there and saw the psych, but his job is mostly just to see if I'm at risk of suicide etc and need to be admitted.

He referred me to outside counselling.

I went to a counsellor and had one session, felt kinda positive about it, but I don't know. I'm still scared it won't ever go away.

Argh. **** this.

I've been okay for a while, I'm SO so so afraid it's not going to go away again. I can't feel like this every day, I just can't.

I'm so afraid. What if it doesn't go away when I have the baby, or it comes back full force? What if I can't cope or look after the baby or I don't want the baby, or I freak out and run away or lose the plot and end up hospitalised or something.

Oh jesus, I can't handle this. :(

[sammi]

Hunny you will be fine. And you will be a great mummy. Sending you

[speeder]

Hi there

Only have time for a quick post, but I just wanted to say that I think you should take a deep breath and stop being so hard on yourself. It sounds like you have plenty of experience of children and your baby is so so wanted. The very fact you are thinking all these things means you are already preparing yourself for motherhood. It's only natural to think all the what-ifs. You know what? It sounds like you will be a wonderful and loving mother and if, and it's a big if, you ever need extra help, it also sounds like you will know where to get it from. Please try to enjoy your pregnancy - it's such a special time and you won't ever get it back.

Just by way of background - I've had anxiety for years - to a greater or lesser extent. (Started as general anxiety, then health anxiety always always and sometimes social anxiety). I had many of the same thoughts of you when I was pregnant - was terrified at the thought of my husband going back to work - and you know what? I love it all, I love my baby and being a mum.

The only time I've panicked was when I was first left alone with the baby - first night in hospital - and I looked at this little helpless thing and felt absolutely terrified - for a split second. Like, how could I ever cope, would I manage etc. I only tell you this to warn you - it's apparently completely normal! I just took it a day at a time and within a few days it all felt completely natural to me.

All the best - I wish you a lovely happy rest of pregnancy.

[Genie]

Hi,

Just wanted to say you are not alone. I have been posting here since I was about 10 weeks pregnant. Like you, I have a history of anxiety, and my baby was planned and really wanted. But a week after I found out my anxiety just went through the roof (for me focused on health).

But I wanted to say you CAN do this. I am now 24 weeks. It is tough. I have had a really difficult time, and still am having. But you get through it a day at a time.

Ask your GP to refer you to the mental health widwife. I have one of these, and she is amazing. The sooner you talk this through with someone, the better. I am also having CBT, which is helping me to deal with the panic attacks when they come (usually every day). And, if things get too much, they can prescribe medication for you that is safe in pregnancy. I've avoided this so far, but haven't ruled it out.

When the panic hits me, I try to remember that it the anxiety that is trapping me, not the baby. I go places where I see people with children (the park, swimming) which remind me how much I want this. Just take it easy - be honest about how you feel, and don't feel bad. You'll get through this. Some of the women I first spoke to on this forum have had their babies now. They are doing well. And we will too.

Always here if you want to chat

[Ms Nice]

Hi,

I was glad to see Genie had replied to your post. Meggles, you are not alone and what you are going through is something I too have experienced. I'm 22 weeks pregnant now and came here in a desperate state. My pregnancy was planned and much wanted but there have been times when I struggled to deal with it.

Like Genie says...you CAN do it. I also thought I couldn't, but with some encouraging words from here I can now see how worthwhile my strength (and worry, because it did make me seriously question my pregnancy) has been.

Do keep coming back here, it is good to talk and share experiences with others. Also, seek as much support as possible from health professionals...they too want you to enjoy your pregnancy and baby.

[Meggles]

Thank you so much to everyone who is replying.

I'm glad - not for your pain of course - but it's comforting to know other pregnant women have felt the same, even though it was a planned and wanted pregnancy.

You guys are great.

[Going home]

To have gone through what you have means you are stronger than you think you are, and EVERY woman who is pregnant feels like this, that they won't cope...even women who don't normally suffer from anxiety and depression. And if you do get a bit wobbly after the birth thats normal too and there will be support around you. You're doing what us anxies are great at doing, thinking too far ahead with the 'what ifs' and letting your imagination run away. I know what you went through was scary and can understand completely that you don't want to be in that place again when you've had your baby, but try not to think too far ahead, just live in the moment for now...get as much rest as you can and keep telling yourself how much you want this baby. You'll also see you're not alone with this on here, so why not get together with the others who have this anxiety and support each other through your pregnancies? You might all have different reasons for the anxiety but you can still support each other perhaps.

Best wishes
Anna xxx

[Meggles]

Fark. this. sh1t.

I hate anxiety. Hate hate hate it.

I went to my first psych appointment last night and was feeling positive about her being able to help me, but now that it's morning and this is when my anxiety kicks in, I'm just so afraid again.

How can I possibly get better only seeing her once a week? I'm going away on a cruise in 6 weeks and I can NOT be like this.

I can't keep doing this every day, I just can't. I'm sobbing hysterically and I'm so frightened.

Oh jesus make it go away :(

[sammi]

Aw babe sorry your suffering like this. Could you maybe go see your gp explain how you are feeling maybe he/she could give you some support. You will get through this. Anxiety is awful let alone throwing a whole bunch of hormones into it. Sending you

[Meggles]

Have just been to the GP cause I'm just not coping. She upped my dosage of Prozac and also gave me a small supply of low dose (2mg) diazepam for when I need it, just until the Prozac kicks in and I can get help.

I know neither is ideal in pregnancy but it's better than me being a wreck.

Really hoping that because I'm already on it the increase will take effect quickly.