Hi Guys
I was on this forum a little bit a few years ago when I had a huge breakdown with anxiety.
I have a history of depression and generalised anxiety disorder. When the anxiety hits me bad, it messes me up BIG time. I hate anxiety, it's the most frightening thing in the world. The rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts, but I'll be damned if it's not utterly terrifying.
I've been on antidepressants forever. They worked great until a couple of years ago when I got really sick with anxiety for like a month or two - really really bad. The doctor upped my dose and I was fine again. I've had the odd moment of anxiety but have been able to talk myself through it.
The breakdown a few years ago that I mentioned, was big. I was sobbing and screaming hysterically in bed most days, crying all day, just freaking the **** out. As I said before, the worst bit about anxiety is that the intelligent rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts and that people get through it all the time, but ****kkkk it's the most terrifying thing.
I wasn't afraid of anything in particular - just OF the actual anxiety. Afraid that it wasn't going to go away, that I'd be like this every day, that I'd eventually have to die to make it stop (wasn't suicidal - didn't WANT to die, just thought this was the only way). It's such a vicious circle - you're afraid of being anxious any more, so you become more anxious and it keeps on going. I thought that maybe some people are just destined to die by suicide - maybe some people will just never be well and I was one of them.
I went to hospital a couple of times, and was almost hoping to be admitted to the psych ward just so I could be somewhere safe where they knew how to help. It was by far one of the scariest times of my life.
ANDDDDD now it's back. I'm just under 6 weeks pregnant and it hit me last Monday.
What if after all the trying (we've had 2 previous losses and have been actively trying for a baby - it's all I ever wanted) I'm really not ready? What if I can't handle giving up all of my time and energy for a baby. This is forever, not just when they're a baby.. Forever. 24/7.
I feel like such a bad person for feeling like this.
So Monday when it kicked in, I was like "oh no, not at again, I can't do this again" .. but by afternoon I'd settled down a lot. Still a bit on edge, but not freaking out or anything. And now I'm again a bit on edge but not freaking out. Part of me is kind of proud of myself for getting through it and being okay, but the other part wonders if that's true or if it's just settled for the moment and is going to come back full force.
All I've ever wanted was a baby and to be a Mum. I have heaps of experience with babies and kids, and helped to raise my now 12 year old brother, so I'm not in the dark at all in regards to the work involved.
But this is the first time it's frightened me. It's FOREVER. It's so full on. Once my husband goes back to work after the first few weeks I'll be at home all day with the baby. What if I get PPD? What if I get the anxiety and can't cope?
I don't want to be someone who runs out on my family and my baby, or who ends up stuck in bed freaking out all day or hospitalised while he's at home looking after the baby along.
I went to the GP the other day and he gave me a referral to the mental health people at the ED so I can get some help straight away, rather than waiting a couple of weeks for a private psych appt. So I went there and saw the psych, but his job is mostly just to see if I'm at risk of suicide etc and need to be admitted.
He referred me to outside counselling.
I went to a counsellor and had one session, felt kinda positive about it, but I don't know. I'm still scared it won't ever go away.
Argh. **** this.
I've been okay for a while, I'm SO so so afraid it's not going to go away again. I can't feel like this every day, I just can't.
I'm so afraid. What if it doesn't go away when I have the baby, or it comes back full force? What if I can't cope or look after the baby or I don't want the baby, or I freak out and run away or lose the plot and end up hospitalised or something.
Oh jesus, I can't handle this. :(