Planned pregnancy but freaking out.

[Genie]

Hang in there Meggles!
Don't worry about the tablets. I have terrible morning (all day) sickness since 5 weeks, and still going at 25. And I have taken every different drug the GP would give me for it. Baby is just fine - nothing wrong on the 20 week scan. It is better for your baby for you to be safe and as calm as you can be.

I have been at the 'sobbing hysterically' point more times than I can count. The only think that helps me is a CBT strategy I have been working with called 'mindfulness'. It is about staying in the present moment. When you find you thoughts drifting (for me, all the time), say to yourself 'back to the present' and re-focus on what is around you - noises, images, anything. It takes a bit of practice, but it does take the edge of things. I have to keep dragging myself back from the panic, but you have to fight it.

You can do this. Everything is ok, and we are here for you.

[Meggles]

An update: (It's long - sorry)


The last 2 weeks have been hell. I have been waking up every morning increasingly earlier than the day before. Today it was 2:30am.

That wouldn't be so bad if I could fall back asleep, but I can't. I just lie there desperate and half dozing for the next few hours.

Then the anxiety kicks in. And I'm HYSTERICAL. Freaking the **** out. Went to see a psych at the Mother Baby unit at a hospital in town yesterday and she referred me to the local Mental Health Unit to be admitted because I was just falling apart and needed more intensive every-day help than just a couple of 1hr psych visits a week.

They rang today to say they have a bed available but I said to leave it for now, so they'll keep me on the waiting list.


Why did I turn it down??

I think I'm feeling kinda ok today?? The mornings have been the worst, but I've not been feeling anything. I had one flutter of my heart racing when I thought "do I really want a baby" but otherwise, I'm not hysterical like every other day. Every other day I've been beside myself, desperately hysterical, cant stop the thoughts.

I was saying to my husband earlier that all I've ever wanted was a baby. I used to cry for ages when we weren't ready to try for a baby yet.

So why am I afraid now that I don't want one? All of the effort involved. I guess cause it's FOREVER. You can't change your mind or give it back. It's a baby/toddler/child/teen/adult. Always needing you in some capacity.

I mean I've never had fears about being a good mum. I've been round babies plenty and am somewhat confident in my skills. But I just worry that the baby will come and I'll want to be selfish and live my childless life. Which is silly really, because we don't go out partying or anything - we're real nanna's - we go to bed at 9 on Friday nights for goodness sake! I'm not going to be losing my active social life.

But I know I couldn't cope with terminating - I don't want to.

I try telling myself that lots of people have these fears, and once baby is born I'll be madly in love with it, like everybody else seems to be. I just don't want to feel like this the whole pregnancy. It's horrible feeling like I don't want to be pregnant/have my baby.

Have even had a few friends confess that in their pregnancies they had similar thoughts - even ones as extreme as kind of hoping they'd miscarry so the anxiety and sickness would go away. As much as it's a horrible thing to think, I'm glad that some of my friends were brave enough to say what I'm sure lots and lots of women actually think, but just won't admit

I know deep inside I DO want a baby - of course I do. What's the alternative? Just being childless forever? No. That's not me. I want a baby.

My mum reckons that maybe it's my mind protecting me because of the last 2 losses. That maybe if I think I dont want it, then if I lose it, I wont be upset.


But I haven't had any real anxiety today, haven't cried or lost the plot or anything. I really hope I'm on the mend and will be okay, and this isn't just one good day before I fall apart again.

We'll see I guess.

[Genie]

Hi Meggles,

I'm glad you're feeling better today - I know for me knowing the help was out there if I needed it made a real difference. Perhaps just being on the waiting list will be enough to keep you going - that might be why you didn't feel you needed to actually be admitted.

I just wanted to give you some hope. Like you, I have always wanted a baby. I have come and cried when I found out friends were pregnant. I have always had health anxiety, but really thought I would be ok with the pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant I was overjoyed. A week after I found out I was hysterical. It has been a roller coaster ride ever since. I DID consider termination, and told my midwife I couldn't carry on unless they could help me. I also wished I would miscarry lots of times, just so it could be over. I have had a difficult pregnancy (still throwing up every day, and I have pre-existing heart problems). But it has been my overwhelming fear that something terrible is going to happen that has been the real problem. I have had weeks which have just seemed like one long panic attack.

But I am now 25 weeks. I can feel my little girl move - this morning, I could even see it! I have bought things for the nursery, and have started to imagine our life together - going to the park, swimming, playing, being a family.

It WILL get better. I'm not saying it will be easy, but as you go on the hormones settle and things are less extreme. CBT has also really helped me. It's really important to try and just deal with today. Try to stop yourself thinking about the future and whether things will be ok. They will be, but if you let your mind race ahead it is difficult to stay calm. Just try and live in the moment, and when you feel yourself drifting off tell yourself to come back to now and do something to distract yourself. When you can, I would suggest finding out the sex of the baby. This really helped me, as it allowed me to plan, and to start getting excited. It also made it impossible for me to consider termination any longer. I still can't wait to not be pregnant anymore, but it feels different.

I have had lots of moments thinking it was a mistake, that I didn't want this baby. But then my husband reminds me how I felt before. That feeling before we were pregnant, that's the real us. You do want this baby, whatever the anxiety or hormones tell you. And once things settle you will remember that and you'll be ok. You'll be a good mum, and the fact you have been through so much to have your baby will create a really strong bond between you.

Keep going!

Genie xx

[Meggles]

Genie you are an absolute gem!

Thank you for writing that. Thank you so much.

To know that you felt a lot the same - being upset when others were pregnant, desperately wanting a baby - but then still having anxiety and being upset when pregnant.. that really helps.

Thank you.

[Ms Nice]

Meggles,

Something that has helped me has been to not fight my anxieties...general or pregnancy related..and to do just what you are doing. You are seeking help and support in all of the right places. You know you want your baby and you know you deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and your baby and YOU WILL!

I know sleepless night do not help, but I've began seeing them as a way of preperation for my baby being here. I will be used to a lack of sleep and have started thinking about ways to make the early hours relaxing. This isn't always easy but it is possible. I even plan to sky plus things in the hope of relaxing in front of nice programmes whilst feeding or comforting my baby.

Things like this give me hope and you too seem to have hope...you came here!

X

[Meggles]

Not as good today.

Woke up super early again and I'm just so tired.

Started thinking about my Mum or husband dying and freaked out. I won't be able to cope when they die - I know I won't. I'll probably just end up killing myself because I won't be able to cope.

Ugh, why won't this go away. I just want to be normal.

[mumof4]

aww i know how ur feeling i was fine for the whole 9 months had a life even went out anywhere well 13 days ago i gave birth to my 4th child and wow anxiety has hit me even worse than it has been before,

brooke is 13 days old and we have been out the house once i did try to get to the shops today i drove there was okay inside the supermarket and by god them bright lights just set me of in a panic but i didnt run i stayed with it felt worse for going out but got to fight it.

i do think being pregnant and having anxiety is alot worse as the hormones do kick in and it does seem alot worse.

as i said my anxiety was fine being pregnant it has been after it,

stick with it it will get easier i know after 2 losses how nervous ur feeling the now i had a loss before i feel with brooke and it is hard to think it will be okay but it will.

take ur time it will get easier

[Genie]

Having a rough time myself this weekend, Meggles, so just wanted to reach out and say I know how you feel. Am terrified of dying myself and can't get the thought out my head. Sure it is the same as you not being able to stop worrying about family dying.
Hang in there, and I'll try and do the same.

[Meggles]

Ultrasound confirmed a missed miscarriage again - going to hospital to have a D&C on Friday.

Hubby and I are getting blood tests done to check our chromosomes and stuff too, in case there's a problem, because we fall pregnant easily but just can't STAY pregnant.


I'm okay though. Had my cry and sulk. If I can see ANY positive in a horrible situation it's that now I guess I can take time to work out my anxiety before we try again.


Thanks for caring guys. It really does mean alot x

[mumof4]

awww im really sorry i hope they get to the bottom of why its happening.