Help with carrying on a conversation

[littlemissshy]

For as long as i can remember I've unable to have a conversation with anyone apart from family. I can start one by asking a question but after the response my mind just goes blank. I always think of something i could have said hours after and then beat myself up about it.
So a colleague at work found me on Twitter after i had mentioned where I work, she didn't know who I was at first as my shift ends as hers begins and we just say hello. Anyway I responded but now I'll have to say something to her tomorrow when i'm in work face to face. The problem is after i say how nice it was of her to say hello i can't think of a single thing to say to her. If only I could predict what her response would be, then it would be so much easier.
I hate making conversation, I can't do small talk and I think i just come across as to put it bluntly 'thick'
Any advice please?

[ditzygirl]

dont be so hard on urself sweetie, of course ur not thick. its perfectly normal to feel that way and u would be surprised how many people feel the way u do.

5 years ago i relocated to a new town on my own. the stress of getting here was a nightmare - but once here i had a complete panic. I remember phoning a friend adn asking how to make small talk. I had completely lost my confidence.

I now live somewhere where small talk is common - everyone loves a wee blather!!!!!

Tell ur colleague it was nice of her to say hello. then how about you enjoy twitter or ur not sure about it?
I know its typically british but its always easy to say - nice day, u hate the rain u know the kind of stuff.

Your colleague is probably just as shy as u and not sure what to say either so please don't beat urself up.

Good luck, say it with a smile and just be u.

hope this helpx

[Nigel]

Hi littlemissshy,

You sound a bit like me. I can always think of all the best things to say afterwards, or when I’m imagining the conversation in my mind. I think for me it’s because for many years I was unaware of what was really happening, and just drifted through life avoiding situations. Now I’m much older I’m afraid of saying much in case the conversation gets round to all those ordinary everyday things other people take for granted, but I’ve never done.

Anyway, there’s one reassuring bit of good news in what you wrote.

“For as long as i can remember I've been unable to have a conversation with anyone apart from family.”

See?
You already know how to do it!

So this isn’t something you need to learn how to do as such, just a skill you need to transfer into a different context.

So perhaps it would be better to take a closer look at the two situations. What makes them ‘different’ to you? What makes you act differently from one to the other? Those sort of questions could reveal some valuable clues, I think.

Take care
Nigel

[littlemissshy]

Thankyou ditzygirl,Nigel

I spoke to her,I just managed to ask her a couple of questions then i just panicked and mumbled 'see you soon'! I only managed a couple of minutes conversation. She was very nice so i'm a bit annoyed with myself.
But I'll take all the advice and hopefully it'll get better next time.

[Geoff2301]

I reckon that if you just explain to anyone that you're a bit shy etc etc.... that'll take the pressure off you a bit and it'll be fine..... the daughter of a friend of mine is like that and as I know she obviously has a bit of a problem with shyness etc..... I make allowances and its always a bit of a challenge to get her laughing and chatting!

[ditzygirl]

Well done that's brilliant.

Please dont be annoyed at yourself, you tried really hard you should be really really proud of urself.

People who are genuine will warm to your shyness, many many suffer as you do. People who are grumpy or aggressive can be hiding shyness.

I really feel for u and you deserve to have really genuine caring friends.

[MysticalParadox]

Im so glad there are others like me out there!!!im just the same but i grew up on my own as a kid and my parents dident really play with me so i wondered if thats why im not to good with people??i feel like a complete loser when someone talks to me and its my turn and i freeze my mind buzzes and they wonder off to talk to someone else and a few hours after..yes!!there comes all the witty remarks and jokes lol..GRRR

[Nigel]

Hi littlemissshy,

Well done

“I spoke to her, I just managed to ask her a couple of questions then i just panicked and mumbled 'see you soon'! I only managed a couple of minutes conversation.”

That was brilliant!

Remember, a conversation takes two people. From what you said, it doesn’t sound as if she managed to say very much either. You never know... she may well have felt as apprehensive as you were.

Several people have commented about being able to think of all the right things to say some time afterwards. I think I understand why that is now, though I still find it hard to put into practice. Think about how you’re feeling at that point in time afterwards when you can think of the right things to say. How does that differ from the actual encounter?

I think the key is that afterwards we feel relaxed, and the mind works much better when we feel like that. Feeling anxious and worried starts to trigger feelings of fear, and the natural response to fear is to avoid or escape from the situation, not stand and chat.

Take care
Nigel