Feel kind of alone

[tiredzombie]

Not sure this is the right place for this but maybe people can point me elsewhere.

As the title says, I just feel sort of alone in life. It's not that I don't have people that care about me who I can talk to. But it's like there's just this distance between all of us.

I feel like I want to talk to someone who understands, but I can't even get my feelings clear in my own mind, let alone communicate them effectively.

I guess I just don't feel like anyone's on my wavelength, if that makes sense. I've never met anyone who I felt I could be totally myself with, who understood why I really do things. Maybe everybody feels like that, I don't know? It's like there's just this essential part of me that doesn't translate into conversation with other people.

A lot of the time I feel empty. I don't know what I want from life. I have passing desires and interests, but when I think about them seriously they just tend to dissolve. I often feel guilty about this so I try and force myself to make goals and follow through. But really I'm just going through the motions, without the emotional conviction behind it all.
Someone trying to help me asked me recently what I would do if I had a magic wand and could make anything happen. But none of the things that I could imagine seemed like they would really make me happy. Everything just seems kind of hollow. Sure, I could solve world poverty, but then what? I know it sounds awful, but there it is. I think I'm generally quite empathetic towards the suffering of others, but trying to help people just leave me feeling empty.

This is scary. It's like I'm ungrounded, just floating randomly through life. I'm scared of getting old, death, disease etc. But not because I want to live or be young forever. I'm scared of never finding something to really fully live for. Of dying without finding anything that feels important. But how do you go about looking for that without anything to go on?

[Bill]

I could have written that word for word myself so I totally empathise with you even if my situation isn't the same as yours.

However, there is one advantage you have over me which you should use- you don't have clipped wings. A bird that is free should fly because you never know what swans lie beyond the horizon waiting for a male to find them. There you will find what you're looking for, who will understand and give meaning and purpose to life, who will fill your emptiness who is....your soulmate.

All a free bird needs do is fly from it's perch and keep searching regardless of worries and fears or the soulmate swan will never realise you exist and she too will end up always feeling the same as you.

[blue moon]

I have been waiting for ships that never come in,always feel alone even around lots of people.

[Bill]

Special tropical islands are rare and few, and often hidden by stormy seas with mountainous waves...but they exist and are often found when a blue moon shines amid the many stars that then fade into insignificance.

Someone mention ships?

My Ship

My soul is like a ship sailing on the sea,
It rises and falls on the constant breeze,
With highs and lows but steady as it goes,
Calmly continuing as the cold gales blow,

Through storms of hail and lightning,
Nothing deters my ship from onward sailing,
Journeying on its true loves course,
With its passionate engine providing force,

Through waves tall and fierce,
My ship does not flounder or list,
It battles through whatever is thrown,
And never sinks like a heavy stone,

Below, the sea is deep and empty, a bottomless pit,
Above, a storm force wind to match with an icy grip,
So where will I be blown?
My destination is still unknown,

Will I ever find peace in a life I find too hard to exist?
Or will one wave be too strong for me to resist?
So I live in hope that my broken sails will mend,
And the turmoil in my troubled mind will one day end.

[blue moon]

Bill,You write lovely posts.I wish I knew you in person
Love Petra xx

[Bill]

Thank you Petra, the feeling is mutual. I seem to spend nearly all my time alone or feeling alone despite countless efforts to meet lovely people like yourself. My destiny, for whatever reason, seems to be life in a cage with my only window to lovely people like you via the net but even then that window is all too often closed. I honestly don't know why it is but it just feels fate has decided to build a wall around me to make sure I don't get to see or meet those who could fill my void. Maybe I was a really bad person in a previous life...or maybe it's just that I'm a tired zombie too!

[suzy-sue]

Lovely poem Bill ..I too wish that your sails will eventually mend and you find Peace and happiness .As for being bad in another life ,I dont believe that for a moment .Sending you a big hug to keep you going .You are a very good friend and a lovely man . Sue xx

[Bill]

Sorry tiredzombie, I feel like I've taken over your thread when I didn't mean to. I only replied because I could relate with Every word you said as I feel Exactly the same way.

When my father was around I felt he was the only person who really understood me. He knew what I was thinking without me having to say anything because we thought so much like. After 5 years I still really miss him and no one has ever stuck around to take his place but I honestly don't know why which is why I think it can only be about me and my situation in which case I could never blame them. I just don't think my sails will ever completely mend Suzy because I just don't believe it's possible. I can only see one outcome and that's what I told the doctor who told me I need a magic wand. Well, that's that then! Ha I couldn't find one on Halloween night even after being up all night! Not even a ghost said "Boo!". I'd probably been too tired to care anyway!

Anyway, you're very sweet Suzy and there are people like you on here who are far better than me as your partners have discovered to their benefit. Remind me...what are hugs? If I remember correctly over the years, I can count them on one hand. Ermm...let's see...ah yes....I remember that one!....oh boy, struggling to remember the next!.... I gotta laugh sometimes...it helps!

[Tish]

Oh, poor you, Bill. Everyone needs a hug x

[nervy-paul]

I too can relate to this post very much, the floating through life and feeling that you can never really open up to the people you know. You speak for a lot of us tiredzombie. Us lost/lonely souls should stick together. :-)