Feeling at an all time low

[Lauren_T]

I've had enough.

The past 2 months have been so unbearable that I can't deal with it anymore.

I have school phobia, during the first few weeks of term I would have panic attacks every day. I don't get them when I go now due to the counsellor on campus but its just got progressively worse from having panic attacks/crying when I got to college but now its like it stops on the Friday night because thats the week over and then it starts on the Saturday night and doesn't finish til the following Friday.

But yeah its the classes and the work thats involved. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to be with but I can't keep up and motivation is at an all time low as I can't even get this review for this online music mag done.

Plus I've discovered I have an amazing ability to go into the toilets at break, cry uncontrollably for the duration of a break (usually 20 minutes), then be totally happy and smiley for the rest of the lesson within about 5 minutes and then during the next break the cycle starts again.
I've cried my self to sleep over going into college for the past 3 weeks and I am so totally sick of it. The counsellor has helped but it doesn't much now as I've worked out how I can push the right buttons to make her think I'm ok, not to mention my tutor has had enough of me already.

[PanchoGoz]

I'm glad you are keeping at going to college even though its hard. Thats good news - getting in the habit of skyving more and more is a bad one so avoid that and keep going! I'm sure your tutor doesnt hate you. College is better than school though isn't it? Do you get free periods and things? I'm at college too and I have to travel 50 miles on the bus for it everyday and thats awful for my anxiety. I used to get anxious about school. I would feel trapped but at college I like going into town, getting a cuppa (or an choco-spresso). Are you eating enough and having breakfast to help your energy levels?
Hope it gets better I really do it must be awful to fear school xxx

[Lauren_T]

Yeah I know that its good that I've been keeping going but out of the just under 2 months of term I've only attended 4 weeks which is going to land me with a 'yellow card' which is apparently being disciplined and you have to have a meeting with the tutor but I dont think she hates me but I'm sure she's had enough of me!
Last week I went up to her office when I was in a panic and when she came outside to talk to me she just went 'oh what do you want now?!' in a huffy and stressy voice so I thought to leave. we don't get any free periods apart from an hours lunch, I can't go outside campus otherwise there would be no getting me back in.
I dont really do breakfast, but if I have money on me at college I will go and get a sandwich or something in the canteen.

[andrew]

Hi Lauren T,

I wanted to wish you some support in your struggle. I read your thread in phobias the other day and wanted to tell you how brave and courageous I thought you were.

If you are able, try not to give up now. More support might help, can you be open about how much you are struggling with your counsellor and tutor. (Whether they like you or want to - they are being paid to educate, help and support you as best they can)

I hope the crying stops soon, you take care.

[Lauren_T]

Thanks andrew. I have a learning support woman at college too but i haven't seen her in ages.

Feeling a bit worried and anxious now as its college tomorrow so tonight might be a bit of a nightmare. I'm going to take my laptop with me tomorrow so I can just edit some photos or something. I'll hopefully stay all day and go and speak with the counsellor and tutor.

[andrew]

Hi Lauren T,

You can only try your best. The more support you have available, hopefully the easier it will be. Do try to speak to everyone concerned.

Yes I know anticipationary anxiety. Try distraction, stay busy, stay positive and keep on reassuring yourself that you will be ok no matter what ... I know its easier said than done.

Do keep posting here and let us know how it goes and how you are getting on. Maybe we can give you some support via these posts to help you get through this .. take care

[Lauren_T]

I typed up a big reply on Friday night but my internet got cut off so it didn't post.

Last week was pretty rubbish.

Wednesday I hardly got in, I went to see the counsellor that day and told her how I really felt, so I have sessions booked up with her until the last week of term. Struggled through the day but got through it somehow.

Thursday was equally as rubbish. I got the feedback from my project and I didn't even get a Pass and then I had a three hour lesson with a tutor called Nigel who really doesn't understand about how I feel and it just frustrates me. We were doing work in the photography studio and none of the other students gave me a chance to do any of my work. I feel like they already know that I'm weak when it comes to being assertive and I just don't want to be in that situation again.
I went to a concert that night which cheered me up, took some photos which are good but I dont think they're my best and I think its because I have this whole college thing on my mind all the time.

Friday I was ready to talk to my tutor about how I've been feeling the past few weeks but she wasn't there because she went out with another group. She said on this note that she didn't want to tell us and a girl in my group asked why, everyone didn't know but I know its because my tutor knew that I wouldn't have gone in. We had one of the youth workers in for this debate thing and then we had Nigel again in the afternoon but by then I'd just had enough and went home early.
I went to a concert that night as well and felt much better.

[andrew]

Hi Lauren,

I thought I'd try and write a reply to your post.

I get kicked off of Aol email, usually before Ive finished, it is so annoying.

So you made it to college Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Well done. You went out to concerts Thursday and Friday and enjoyed yourself? (a happier you is a stronger you lol) Well done. You managed to do the project, you are trying to do your work. Well done. And you made some proper attempts to get more support from your tutors. Well done. Ok so I am sticking to the positive but try not to let your upsets and frustrations overwhelm your feelings.

Things you might want to try to do. Try again to tell your tutor about where your feelings are at. Say something about not having the opportunity to do your work in the photography studio. Put the photos out to the public and let them decide lol. You are not weak, surprise people and start saying yes and doing stuff.

Stay in touch. Hope this week is going ok and the good old snow has got you some time off. You take care

[Lauren_T]

Yeah the concerts were good, I took some photos, I felt like I'd had a really 'off night' but my editor seems to think that they're really good haha. I came in and cried to sleep again but I had a really good night.
e have another trip next friday up to london :( I go to london by myself all the time but I just don't want to go. I emailed my tutor with that I can't go on Friday. The snow's kept me off college all week which is good but I'm not looking forward to next week. I got an message on the college email facility saying 'against all the odds you've settled in' and I just dont think thats right but meh I will tell her.

[andrew]

Hi Lauren,

Good luck getting to college this week. You are doing well confronting your anxiety and going. I suppose its posible that you might not settle in, that does not mean that you cant carry on attending and achieve your educational aims.
You know sometimes when Im depressed nothing I do is good enough. Thats why its worthwhile getting other peoples opinions. Did your opinion of your photos change? Do you know why you were crying that night? Why dont you want to go on the class trip? And it is ok if you dont want to answer any of these questions, just write what you feel like writing.
Keep in touch, you take care.