Feeling at an all time low

[Lauren_T]

I could sum up the trip today in 3 words....day. from. hell.
I got up to London ok, but there was obviously a meltdown in communications and I got to Charing Cross at 10.10 rather than leaving at 10.10. So then I had to wait and everything built up and had a huuuuuge panic attack and I ended up phoning my aunt to come and get me for a calm down coffee at Costa even though by that time my class and tutor were there I still went off with her and I think that if I hadn't have gone off with her I would have gone home. I went back (reluctantly) and we went off walking up to the Tate gallery and stopped off at Parliament Sq. to take photos of the student riot aftermath and then I went and had something to eat and then came back home.

I dont really want to go on the next trip :(
I think I've identified maybe a bit why I'm feeling down. My friend killed himself last February which was a huge shock and I really did look up to him and because we were similar as in we were really shy and other stuff like that.

[andrew]

Hi Lauren,

Well done for going on the trip. Not so great that you didnt enjoy it but very positive that you managed it. You stuck it out despite having a panic attack and not feeling ok about it all. It was a good idea to go for the calm down coffee, whatever works to help you to cope is ok - that is how recoveries are made. Sounds like you did a lot of walking about, hopefully you got some good pictures.

Why not leave the decission of going on the next trip, until the day of the trip. You can then decide if your up for it or not at the time you need to be.

Losing a friend is a big deal and even more so when it comes as a shock. I know a few who have taken the same road. Hug for you. Do I need to say similarities doesnt mean the same.

I hope your well, keep in touch, take care.

[Lauren_T]

I haven't posted for a while but the last day at college was suprisingly really, really good. I managed to get in on time and stayed all day.
I managed to walk in on my own last week on the Tuesday despite having a ton of panic attacks as I was walking there but as it wasn't term time there wasn't anyone there, I didn't stay long but I went back the next day and was there from 10 - 2.
Got a bit drunk last night and woke up at 4 this morning having panic attacks in bed as for some reason I was worried about flying in a plane but i have no upcoming flights so I don't know what that was about.
I'm at my dad's girlfriends house atm and i'm really worried about sleeping here as i dont really like sleeping anywhere but my house :( and I know its a long way off but I'm worried about going back now. I'm thinking that my tutor is thinking that i'm alright now since i managed to get in in non-term time (this was the campus counsellor's suggestion that i did go in) but I suppose this is a positive thing but I don't want her to think that i'm now permanantely ok because i'm not really.

[andrew]

Hi Lauren T,

Good to see you posting. Happy xmas and all that.

Well done for making the last day, very positive that you thought it went really well. I was pleased to read you managed 2 extra days on your own. And despite panic attacks you done it, you got there, well done for managing that as well. Learning and believing that you get can make it through panic attacks is really important - some days will be easier than others.
I dont think they will assume that you are now permanantely ok. They are only going to see it when you are sitting there saying you are ok and time and experience has proved it. At times they might push you further than you want to go. Then it is for you to say I dont think I can manage it and maybe try to work out a way of being able to.

Alcohol increases anxiety I think, maybe your excess anxiety was just looking for somewhere to go and ended up focussing on flying. Hopefully you got some sleep, we all prefer our safe places just try to reassure yourself that you will be safe there.

Keep in touch, you take care

[Lauren_T]

Yeah the alcohol must increase it as I was drinking again when my family came over on Monday and I all of a sudden woke up panicking about zombies because I heard what must have been my dad snoring. But I havent had a drink (apart from tonight ofc, but i'm not having much) since then which is good. Plus I treated myself to a jacket online in the sales but I had to return it because it was too small, so I went to the post office with it yesterday and had a big panic in there as the guy on the till wasn't very helpful and I couldn't remember if I'd put the right address on the packet so I had to open the whole thing, check the address on my returns slip and then spend more money to repack it.
Then when I was queuing up and I got the unhelpful man again so I just sent it first class. I hope they have the size I want after the bank holiday...its not often that I treat myself to a £60 jacket!

[andrew]

Hi Lauren,

Happy New Year.
If you notice alcohol messing with your anxiety levels then best to take it easy with drink and maybe not watch any zombie films for a while lol.
Well done for coping in the post office. Im sure you'd rather it went without any anxiety but its positive you stayed and sorted it out. Thats my luck to get the same unhelpful person grrrr. Its good to treat yourself, not long to wait to see if theyve got your size. Have you not ventured out into the sales. I have to try stuff on so make myself go out.
You take care, stay in touch.

[Lauren_T]

Am at college in lesson. I've only been here an hour and a half and I want to go home already.

[Lauren_T]

I'm at home. Been here for an hour or so.
I got really worked up before my second lesson so I told my teacher that I felt ill and I went home but the thing is is that I felt really worked up and anxious inside until the point that my art teacher said 'ok' when I said I needed to go home! I have an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow and CBT starts in about 3 weeks.

[andrew]

Hi Lauren.
Some days will be harder than others.
Is it the first day back? Well done for getting there. Do you mean that you felt ok as soon as you got 'the ok' that you could leave? Maybe its part of the pattern of thoughts and feelings of why you are being anxious about college. Maybe you can discuss it with your counsellor or write more about it here.
Good luck with college and counselling tomorrow. Hopefully the cbt will help you to carry on moving forward, like you already have been doing.
Enjoy your evening, you take care.

[Lauren_T]

Yeah I felt ok when he said I could leave. I had a session yesterday but I only had half an hour becuase my lesson was brought forward half an hour so I only get 30 mins instead of an hour. But the thing is, is that I tend to go when I'm ok so my mind just says 'its not relevant when you're alright' so when I am crappy (like today, I cried so hard before I got in the classroom and it took me half an hour to sit down but meh it won't be long til I go home :( )
What else is causing anxiety is that I'm so behind everyone else at college and I just dont want to come here any more plus the fact that I was offered work experience with a music PR company in London from one of my contacts and I couldn't do it becuase of college is really starting to get to me that I may have missed my chance to get my 'foot in the door'