Feeling at an all time low

[andrew]

Hi Lauren,
Is the work experience still available to you? If so, go for it, what have you got to lose? I didnt understand what you wrote about why you couldnt do it or missing a chance.
I do understand about not being relevant, my head is pretty much the same. Maybe you could write it down, have a list of stuff to fire at the counsellor. Why was you crying?
Sometimes when you are not feeling ok, the future doesnt look great. Dont Lose Hope about the future. About being behind everyone else. You've not been well, you've got anxiety issues, unfortunately its delayed your progress. I dont know what you want to do in the future. If college is part of that route, then you have to try and accept that it will take as long as it takes. Do you have a plan, are there other options rather than college, will they help you get to where you want to be???
Anyway I hope your feeling better, enjoy your weekend.

[Lauren_T]

I dont think I have anything to lose by going on work experience but the reason I didn't do it last time is because my tutor wouldn't let me and i would miss the chance because it was a music Pr company and spaces are really scarce. The guy has put out another ad for interns though and i think i should email him on monday just because i really think that i could get my foot in the door through this. If it doesn't come to a job then i don't think i'd be disappointed as i am really young and college would then just be something to fall back on in that situation.

I was meant to have a counselling session at college yesterday but I was so wrapped up in my project that i forgot :( but i have another session booked in next week i think.

I want to be a music journalist and or photographer (but i can take photos of anything really, its just that I really love the music stuff), i already write for an online mag but I dont get paid so thats something to aim for.

Heres a few bits of my photographic work 2008-2010 (like first picture is 2008, second 2009 and third and fourth are from 2010)









This week wasn't great as I had to go home (genuinely) ill on Wednesday, went to the docs Thurs and he told me to wait until CBT which I think meant he had better things to deal with that day than me since my doctor had rung in sick and Friday I was meant to talk to my tutor about how i was, she actually asked me to see her but she didn't talk to me at all which was a bit annoying but yeah she asked me to answer this question and everyone in the class looked around and stared at me which makes me want to go and hide in a corner. sorry if this doesn't make much sense i should probably go to bed.

[andrew]

Hi Lauren,
Your photos look alright. I am pleased that you actually kinda know what you want to do career wise, its something to aim for. So what do you write about? I think I see somewhere in the 'misc' forum where people post there photos.
I dont know how best to advise you about the work experience situation. Although I think you are being hopeful if you think it will lead to a job. The experience of it might be really good for you though. Take into account what your tutors and parents say, what you want, what you will gain (dont include what you might gain) and take it from there.
Well done for making it into college.
If you are actually ill dont let the Drs stick you in the anxiety box and fob you off.
Wanting to hide when you are the center of attention is pretty normal for anxiety. Did you get the question right lol, did you cope with the situation?? Maybe she just didnt remember about the talk. Try and make use of the counselling time lol. So when does your Cbt start? It jumped about a bit but it all made sense.
Keep in touch. You take care.

[Lauren_T]

I write about music, like I go to concerts and give my opinion of the concert. I interview bands sometimes but I did it once and the singer of the band gave me a cider and I accidentally spilt most of it when i was leaving and that situation has made me really worried about doing it again, plus I hated it when I had to ask the questions 'cause I felt so shy and I could barely talk to or look at them! This was 2 years ago now and thinking about this one question I asked them just really makes me cringe even though they thought it funny. Maybe thats because I am really hard on myself?

I went to see the counsellor yesterday to book one for next week since we had a day off today and CBT starts on Monday.

But I had a slip up on Wednesday.

The teacher was taking photos of people for our Portrait / Identity project and I just absoultely freaked out. Just went from 0-100 in about 2 seconds. I went outside and hid in a corner outside the classroom and cried for about 20 mins.

Then J came out (a girl in my class) and gave me a hug which was when I really did cry. I went back into the lesson, didn't do any work. But she said that she knew I had this phobia because someone told her and apparently most of the group know which just makes me feel stupid. Don't get me wrong, they're a lovely group, they dont discuss me or are bitchy about it (apparently) but I just want to be percieved as normal, not the 'girl who has school phobia'.

The person that I told on impulse (as in i was hysterically crying and accidentally told her) and I don't know. I didn't really want anyone to know.

I managed to talk to my tutor that day but it didn't really help so Monday should be good.

[eternally optimistic]

I love the photos, they are great.

Despite your struggle with college, Lauren, you seem very focused on what you want to achieve.

You stick with it. You should be real proud of yoruself.

[andrew]

Hi Lauren,
Nice to hear how you are doing.
Yes, you really are being too hard on yourself. You live and learn through experiences, what happened 2 years ago will only help you do a better job of it today. Sounds like a great reason to go to loads of concerts as well. Making them laugh most probably put them at ease, laughter is not a bad thing or tactic. I was wondering if you laugh about anything?
Good luck with the cbt on Monday. Dont expect any miracles and try and take it one session at a time.
Well done for going to college. I'd say well done for Wednesday, you could have run all the way home, you didnt. Im kind of pleased that the rest of them know about your phobia, if only because I know how much effort it takes to hide it. Also because you might feel some support from them. Also, when they will treat you normally you will find some more acceptance for yourself. With anxiety you cant always trust your feelings, you are not stupid. I know you as the girl who fights against her school phobia, remember that lol.
Enjoy your weekend, you take care.

[Lauren_T]

Yeah I do laugh about things, but I have to really think it through as to whether I think its appropriate or not but yeah I do.

As far as CBT went I went there and had just over an hour with the woman there and she thought that I wasn't bad enough to have it there so she's reffering me somewhere else which is a place where i live so they can help. She also put some my anxiety down to my personality?

Today has been good, I got a photo pass for Carl Barat's, he used to be in a band with Pete Doherty, London gig next month which I'm really excited for.

London with college tomorrow though aahh!

[andrew]

Hi Lauren,
Good luck with the trip to London later with college. You can only do your best, I hope it goes well.
Its good to have things to look forward to. No doubt you'll enjoy the gig and take some great photos.
I haven't got a clue what putting some of your anxiety down to your personality means. What did you think of it all? Is it better to get it done closer to home? Was you ok talking about yourself? Is the other referral for cbt or counselling in general? I think you are doing well, although it might not always feel like it.
Its good to laugh, much better than crying. You take care.

[Lauren_T]

I didn't go to London, got to the train station and couldn't go any further so I just went home.
Then Thursday I had a huge panic attack in my second lesson so I took an hour of a two hour lesson out and then went back and got on with it. Was fine the rest of the time and Friday was ok, I just wanted to get it over with.

I went to the counsellor at college and she thinks that if I have a long break off college, like we had the Friday off and the Wednesday because of the trip, it throws my routine off and then I panic.

edit -

I am quiet and sensitive at home, but I have no idea really. But it being closer to home means that its closer to college as I live where college is. I have no idea if the referral is CBT, but I think its counselling.

[andrew]

Hiya,
Like I said you can only try your best, some days will be easier than others.
Its good you've been managing college ok. Well done for coping with the panic attack and getting on with it afterwards.
What did you think about the 'throwing your routine off' posible explantion of your actions? Do you talk about things in counselling like why you didnt get further than the train station? why you had the panic attack? Im just curious about how open you are when talking about you. Ive seen loads of counsellors, I was never really up for talking about me. Ive even paid to sit there and be guarded lol.
I do think being sensitive as a child makes people more prone for anxiety. But we are who we are. Maybe that counsellor thought you would benefit more from general counselling than cbt. Because you are ok at confronting/doing things you dont feel comfortable with. Maybe she thought it would be more beneficial for you to look at how you relate to yourself for instance. Its posible, Im only guessing lol. Will the counselling taking place closer to college be a problem for you?
Anyway do keep in touch, you take care.