I must get this under control now

[moontiger]

Hi everyone, just joined.

I hate to be all moany but I guess thats what the forums for so I'll debrief y'all with my "past".

My first panic attack was in January 2001. I walked into my job and they said I had a month to get my act together as I'd been off sick a lot (legitimate sickness). I sat at my desk feeling hot and faint (the usual) so I just walked out, went home and left my job as the pressure to be healthy 24/7 was too much.

I had been through a rough and hectic previous year. I met a great guy and we were getting on brilliantly, hey, even my Dad liked him! Sadly my Dad died in June 2000 totally unexpectedly and in the matter of days while I was on my engagement holiday. I dont have a big family, me, my younger brother and my Mum who lives 150 miles away (parents were divorced).

I moved on slowly. Back to after that first panic attack in Jan 2001. I waited a few weeks then got another job as a receptionist at a hotel. I was so bored there was seriously nothing to do. You all know what that means, nothing to do is time on your hands and if you dont occupy it panic strikes. It did and thats the start of 3 years of sheer hell.

I walked out of the hotel job after only 2 hours :(

I went home and didnt leave the house for 6 months. Months turned into a whole year and my fiancee had had enough. The "hard" approach was the only way he knew, he wouldnt read the books I bought on panic because his way was best. It was a nightmare, the only person that understood me was my Mum, she's been my rock ever since.

In January 2003 my fiancee walked out and left me with nothing, he took everything from the flat except my personal stuff and went to live with his Mum. He left me with a huge mortgage, an entire flat a load of bills and a lonely life with only panic attacks as company. He hasnt spoken to me since.

Life was ****e but I eventually got a job in August 2003. I had worked really hard through the summer on my panic attacks and my life was getting back on track. A month later and my brother moved out of the "family" home to go to University and I had to clear and entire 5 bedroom house all by myself which had all my Dads stuff still there. It was packed full. I had to leave my job to create the time to do this.

Did I mention, my only form of transport is a motorcycle, thats tough trying to control one with panic attacks.

After that I couldnt find work and my panics were returning, I gave up again.

Xmas came and I went to stay with my Mum and brother. My Mum announed she had incurable cancer. I stayed with my Mum for 3 months and have only just returned home. My panic attacks are worse than ever and it's killing me. I can hardly breathe all day and I just dont know what to do. It takes 2 hours of psyching up just to get to the local shop for food. I cant even get to the doctor on my own as I'm too scared. I sit in the waiting room and run out after 10 seconds. I have no friends, I lost them all when I couldnt go out and I'm beginning to get real depressed. I need a job or I'll be on the streets with no money, I dont know what to do or how I can move forward!

It makes me sad to look at the person I used to be and what I am now.

I am hoping someone can help.

Tiger xx

[PinkLady]

Oh Tiger,
You need to get upset with this anxiety and tell it to stop and go away. You need to take small steps and try to push yourself a little at a time. You could try during work time not to worry and make a time to worry. Sometimes as long as the job is not to difficult it can help becuse it is a distraction. There is a lot of reading material that can help you on this site.
Stop and say I am not going to let this ruin mu life.



Trina

[kate]

Hiya Tiger,

Welcome to the site.

I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering, you have really had an emotionally trying few years.

Have you truly accepted that your symptoms are due to anxiety?

It can take a long, long time to accept that this is what is making you feel so ill.

Once you realise that it is all down to anxiety, you can then start to move forward.

Read through all the postings on here about breathing correctly,relaxation, distraction etc.

Have you been to see your GP?

Once again, welcome!!!

Kate x

[stimpy]

Hi Tiger

Did you know that if you live in the UK you could be eligable for Disability living allowance on mental health grounds ?
It may not be much but in the way of cash, but it is better than nothing.
That advice goes for everyone here who lives in the UK.

If you want to see if you may be able to claim on mental health grounds visit http://www.bhas.org.uk/test.htm

If you are having trouble getting to the shops, did you know that many supermarkets offer an online service? Choose your goods, pay for them and some one will deliver them right to your door. Ideal if you are really struggling at the moment.

You've done the right thing and acknowledged your problems, which is an excellent start. You can now begin to accept anxiety as part of your life and prepare to beat it.

What's making you feel so ill all of the time ?
Your brain. It is simply telling you enough is enough.
When you live constantly on a 3 or 4 on the stress'ometre, it only takes a little knock or two to push you up to a 6, 7, 8, 9 or a 10. (which is a pink to red light in panic terms.)
So you have to start reducing your stress, or coping with it, so you can reset your personal stress'ometre to nil or 1 - like all the "normal people".

As kate says there is some great advice here, I hope it helps.



Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx

[] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric

[Meg]

Dear Tiger

You've been totally overloaded and your innards are complaining . Add all that to a fear of the future and loneliness and panic is not far away . It's understandable.

Are you're home alone, currently not working, with a terminally sick Mum 150 miles away ? What are your short term needs and plans ? Is getting and keeping a job outside the housea realistic prospect at present, when you're struggling to leave the house at all or are you setting yourself up for failure which may make you feel inadequate later.

If you haven't seen the doctor then try having a phone appointment with them to explain why you can't get to the surgery see them. Ask to be referred to your community mental health team. They come and see you at home and then your may get referred for some CBT or some medication may be suggested - which will help you learn to control your panics.

As far as the loneliness is concerned , if you cannot force yourself out to join a yoga/exercise group or volunteer somewhere for a few hours then find a few chat rooms to at least help stop feeling so isolated .
You may have lost your friends previously, but perhaps if you made a few calls you could invite a few round to visit you again and try to rekindle those links.

You speak of being short of breath - thsi is a normal feeling with anxiety but in reality your lungs are just bigger when you're anxious so need more air - not that you're short of it at all. As you arec home a lot ensure you're geting some exercise- dancing is a space efficient way if you don't have any equipment !

You have lots of negativity surrounding you . Soon you need to try to ditch the past and start building positive blocks to move forward on. Get a book, write and write how you are, what's led to here , how miserable you feel , have a few good howls and let lots of this out and again and again.
Then make a list of what you want to be doing in a year and how you can get there - tiny step coupled to a tiny action and with a few steps forwards and a couple back you will slowly start to make progress.

Of course your Mums condition is all important and maybe depending on how ill she becomes you may want to concentrate your efforts with her.

Recognise that this is only a phase in your life and that with time and effort will improve enormously.

We are here to support you , keep posting on whats going on with you .

Take care



Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[moontiger]

Thanks very much for your welcomes and friendly advice its much appreciated!

I had a good day today and went to a bike shop and made myself ride through the panic on a) getting there, b) staying for a while and c) getting back without flipping.

I try to wind myself up some days by getting fed up with it. That makes me so mad I have to go out but as you all know motivation is there one minute gone the next.

I can get there I know I can coz I've got close before. I know its just time but you begin to wonder WHEN?! Need to work on patience. I'm quite a fidgety person anyway so its hard to actually sit still and let panic wave over me, I just dont have the patience.

I have been to my doctor several times and he was only interested in sending me to a psychiatrist. How?! I cant even get there and then sit in a waiting room with people looking at me. It's definately not the way forward for me. I can only conquer this myself with a little support from places like this and my Mum. I find that I cannot open up to "professional" people I don't know. I will just sit there and say "I'm fine".

My main problem is worrying that I'll make a twit of myself and faint or be sick infront of people. I just cannot get over this thats what holds me back from going out and socialising. The time where I have ridden through a "biggie" I sit back and think "I was doing that, someone must have seen me".

It goes back a couple of years but I was at a bike school watching my ex training outside. I was desperately cold. I started to feel very faint so I headed towards the office. I never made it and passed out infront of a load of people I knew really well. I never heard the end of it even over 2 years on they still take the mick but I cant join in because it was a horrible experience and very embrassing for me. Maybe it stems from that why I'm worried of fainting.

Well thats it for tonight, have printed off a load of pages on breathing from here so I'll go to bed and practise them all then fill in my new daily diary I bought

Thanks again

Tiger xx

[jonny]

quote:Originally posted by moontiger




I have been to my doctor several times and he was only interested in sending me to a psychiatrist. How?! I cant even get there and then sit in a waiting room with people looking at me. It's definately not the way forward for me. I can only conquer this myself with a little support from places like this and my Mum. I find that I cannot open up to "professional" people I don't know. I will just sit there and say "I'm fine".

Hi Tiger, welcome to a wonderful site.

This place is full of friends who know exactly what you are going through as most days we go through exactly the same. Isn't it wonderful to know you are not alone?
There is some excellent advice on here from several professionals so you can certainly trust what most people have to say. In my opinion i think you should go back to the doctors and demand some medication to help you through. Anxiety is just an illness the same as any other and there are many effective drugs that can help you. Notice that i said Help and not Cure as i personally feel that the causes of your panic and anxiety lie elsewhere but a course of meds will certainly give you room to breathe and the pause you need to help you iron out your current problems.
I am not suprised in the least that you are the way you are after such a sh*ty run of events, there is enough there to flatten the strongest of people and i don't envy you one bit. we all need help from time to time and i believe this is the time you demanded it.
I battled anxiety alone for years without seeing any doctors, i thought i was going mad but now after professional treatment i feel much much better. I am not cured by a long shot but i work full time and hold down a relativly normal life. Spare time ( you seem to have tons ) will drag you down and keep you there. You can't afford to just sit at home all day dwelling on your illness, please get help from your doc who can give you meds to help you gain control of your life again.

There is a saying i read somewhere but can't remember where. It may have been on here. It says:

If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got.

Don't let anxiety rule your life any longer, ask for help and take charge...you can and will get better.

right im off back to bed to cry myself to sleep!!! Damn this depression :-(



Jonny.

I used to be extremely indecisive but now I am not so sure...