Hey folks!
This is quite long, but please hear me out.
I have quite a problem and I know that if I didn't have this problem I'd probably be rid of anxiety altogether!
I'd just like to give you a background story so you can understand.
My anxiety started when my Dad was very ill last May. We all suspected he might have the big C, but it was a very nasty case of poisening. Anyway, my anxiety developed and I was constantly obsessed with getting or having cancer. This continued until December. I noticed as the months past that I was finding it difficult to sleep. It started to take root and although I was sleeping anyway, I was getting very anxious about sleeping.
I once had a panic atack whilst trying to sleep, and then wondered if I had forgotten how to sleep! It just seemed like such a weird process.
I then developed a problem in-which my head felt very heavy against the pillow... that kept me awake for quite a while and then I'd fall asleep. Basically, sleep was becoming a daily problem for me.
A very disturbing event happened to me in June last year. We went to Spain and I decided to go for a walk to the beach. Trouble is that it was quite a long walk along a main road. I had no phone and hardly any money. When I reached the beach, and far away from 'safety', I had a massive panic attack. I realised I was far, far away and was too exhausted and hot to walk back again. It was boiling hot that day.
So imagine my situation... in a foreign country where no one could understand me, no money, no phone, no way of getting back home, boiling hot and exhausted. I was absoloutely terrified. I thought I was going to die. Remember, I was also suffering from anxiety at the time.
I was so desperate I flagged down a car and the Spaniard drove me the majority of the way. Still, walking back I thought I was going to collapse and die. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I remember just lying on the tarmac and some point because I was so overhwhelmed by my situation.
I managed to get back home but was very apprehensive of going to sleep that night. I thought I was going to die in my sleep, I don't know why. I thought that the whole experience had weakened me, like someone is weaker after having a heart attack.
Since this time, I've been paranoid about exerting too much energy, due to my experience.
I was still sleeping fine, though. Still had a problem with sleep, but was sleeping fine.
In December, we went on a cruise. I'd say that my worries about not falling asleep were starting to get worse by now.
Why worry about not falling asleep? Well because if I don't get any sleep then I'm not recharging my batteries and if I'm not recharging my batteries then I'm devoid of energy. This worry about not having enough energy... being exhausted, stems to my experience in Spain. I also worry that if I don't get enough sleep then I might start hallucinating... I've heard stories about that.
Basically, it's a worry of losing control.
So on the ship, I was having quite a lot of fun. As the cruise came to and end, I was getting depressed and anxious again. I wasn't looking forward to going home where my troubles seemed to be waiting for me. I shared a cabin with my brother... it was very soothing to know he was there next to me. As the cruise came to an end, I was finding it alot harder to fall asleep. On the last day of the cruise, I didn't sleep until 6:00am. I only got two hours sleep.
As you can imagine, I was very disturbed by this due to my explainations above. I was tired, depressed, feeling ill and anxious. Add to this the whole drama of returning home after such a fun holiday. That was a very, very dark day mentally.
I was very anxious about sleeping that night. I was in my room alone, I was hot and uncomfortable, extremely depressed. I couldn't sleep. Didn't get to sleep until about 4:00am.
I reakon a phobia was born on that day. I reakon I now attribute the process of sleep with that very dark day.
I've had this problem ever since. I have good day and bad days but bas
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