:( meh

[B123]

I just feel absolutely crap at the moment. I’m scared of being alone in case I lose my mind, I’m scared to read articles or videos about suicide because I’m scared that I’m feeling so low that that I might do something stupid (I really don’t want it just my stupid brain making me more scared). Every slight twinge or muscle ache I automatically think is cancer or a blood clot, and I keep worrying myself about death and how its gonna feel. I’m a mess I just want to come at peace with everything just be relaxed and take each day as it comes not constantly ruminant over my last moments on earth.

I haven’t met anyone that I can sit and talk to about how I feel and not feel like a crazy mad woman – except my mum. My boyfriend’s idea of helping is calling me a “silly billy” or shouting at me to “stop it”.

How do you find peace with death? Accept that it will happen? I think i need to do this to start living my life again. How do tell my myself and make myself believe that instrusive thoughts are just thoughts and that my emotions can change with help from the right people?

Sorry for ranting. They say it’s good to write it down.

[PokerFace]

Hey B123, it's hard when the ones we love don't understand us isn't it? Since my health anxiety kicked off I've been struggling with the idea of death too. I havn't really talked to anyone about it cuz I feel crazy too cuz it's not really something people talk about! I'm sure everybody has these thoughts from time to time though, just us with anxiety seem to focus on them and try to work it out which is something nobody is ever going to be able to do!

I was reading back through my diary the other day and I'd had a rant about this fear of death and I'd wrote "I lie awake every night thinking about it and trying to figure out if I'll beable to stop it when the time comes and if I can't what's going to happen? If I had all these answers maybe I wouldn't have anxiety but I'll never get them, ever, so instead I'm choosing to stress myself into illness over something I have no control over and never will. Nobody would want to live forever anyway so why can't I accept it like everyone else?". I don't know if you can relate to those thoughts but if you can that's good, you can see you're definatley not the only one!

I don't know if I've really accepted it myself yet, I guess I'm just learning to cope better nowadays so I'm sorry I can't really offer any advice on that part. Thoughts are really all they are though and I'm pretty sure everybody, even "normal" people, will have them at some point in their lives.

I think maybe just going out and living you're normal life is a good way to start. I made the mistake of closing myself off from most people and just obsessing over my heart and what might happen and it made me worse in the long run! I'm starting to find my feet a bit latley as I hope you do soon, it does get better. Take care. xx

[elainey70]

Hi B123,

Everything you say in your post is exactly how i feel, scared of going mad, scared of suicide (ended up in a physc hosptial for 6 weeks due to that fear). I have intrusive thoughts just about everyday where is think i'm going to kill myself. Its really frightening to feel this way. I can totally relate to you you can send me a private message if you ever want to talk.

take care