Reflections - you don't have to read it but I have to write it

[petalouda]

Well this is it - the first day of 'Cit' (sounds like a public holiday!). Isn't it ironic that it's the last day of the year? By tomorrow it'll be whirling its way around my system on its first full day of holding my hand through this.

A new year sounds good about now actually. I've had depression (apparently) for a very long time but anxiety, which I guess has only recently had a name for me, seems a more appropriate label. The panics are very recent but so crippling that I wonder if I needed them to make me seek help. The thought of not being able to work or play or, when they 'got me' in the house, exist anywhere...forever...was too much. The decision was to live (with Cit) or the alternative, which I guess was not to live at all.

So here I am. I'd like to be one of the ones 'PsychoPoet' says don't come here to talk about their good experiences of Cit but (as I usually react to anything that even looks medical!) we'll see. I took my first one a couple of hours ago and then waited, and waited a bit more, but so far I feel...well...like I felt before I took it. I had a tingly foot for a couple of minutes and then noticed as I was sending an e-mail that I was typing a bit faster than normal (how mad is that?) but generally was a bit fidgety. Now I'm 'chilling' a little more and have a tweaky headache, but nothing out of the norm as yet.

As noted, I don't necessarily want anyone to read this (but if you do that's cool) and certainly there's no obligation to reply (likewise), but I do have to write this. I have a private blog space but it was important to say this here because it needs to come out (not sure why yet) and this seems like the right place, and other people's stories here have helped me - if I can help those who come after that would be good too.

'Nuff' said but more to come I guess, and thank you NMP for being here.

Peta xx

[familymatters]

Hi Peta and welcome.
I too am on the 'cit' journey and wish you well on yours.
Looking forward to reading your updates and hoping that you don't struggle too much x

[petalouda]

Well it's the second day of the journey and things are...well...OK.

Despite worries about being able to sleep, which I was really concerned about as I've had sleep issues for almost twenty years, I dozed off pretty quickly. Unfortunately, I was woken rather abruptly at midnight by various neighbours letting off fireworks to welcome in the new year - thanks guys. They carried on for the best part of a couple of hours with me dozing off and then being woken again by a particular loud one, resulting in some agitation which worked its way pretty quickly down to my stomach - turning cartwheels by 2am! Despite this a little relaxation music eventually helped me back to sleep and I actually slept really well until eight-ish.

Today my stomach is still a bit delicate and I'm a little tired, but having suffered with IBS for years too neither is anything out of the ordinary. No adverse reaction to the second 'Cit', although as per yesterday I sat and waited. A minor 'sinusy' headache as the evening draws on could be related but as the snuffles are abound in our house and I've been working intensely for a couple of hours, perhaps not.

I still feel somewhat guilty though 'resorting' to medication (which I said I'd never do), but I keep reflecting on the decision I would make if my kids were ill and needed help. This is an illness too - not a flaw in my personality or ability - so why am I so hesitant?

Enjoy the rest of today...Peta xx

[petalouda]

Yet another rather uneventful day has passed - sorry if I'm boring you!!

Last night was noteworthy though as, after the aforementioned 'trouble in sleeping', it was one of the best in ages. Yet again I was disturbed but this time early on, by my husband (TV too loud) and my son (laughing loudly at his friends via his games console), but after a stern word things quietened down. Once I was asleep though it was great and despite a couple of readjustments in position I slept through until around 9am.

Just to clarify, I've never had problems getting to sleep but (due to the anxiety I guess) my dreams have been increasingly vivid and complex - as I explained once to a friend it's like being on a long haul flight every night and being made to watch back-to-back movies, but usually ones you didn't want to. I still dreamt last night but only a couple of relatively pleasant ones which didn't seemed to have the usual emotional impact - I didn't wake up feeling drained so generally felt more awake this morning.

No reactions to the 'Cit' again this morning. A bit chesty this afternoon but its going around the family so probably no connection. Slightly more thirsty than normal though but as I never drink enough it's probably not a bad thing.

'Til tomorrow...Peta xx

[HarrogateChris]

Good luck Peta, I'd suggest not focussing too hard on every detail of your cit experience. Better to think about the future when the cit is working for you and to see this journey as the one you need to make to get there.

Remeber, whatever the side effects you get, they do pass.

Keep posting!

Chris

[mr badger]

Hi Peta

I'm on my fifth week of Cit and I'm loving it. It's rally helped me take a different perspective.

Personally I've had very few noticeable side effects - dry mouth, off my food for a while (but did lose a bit of flab!) and that;s about it.

Like Chris says, don't look for effects - they'll come in time.

[HarrogateChris]

Hi Peta,

Hope you're doing OK.

Chris

[mr badger]

How's it going Peta?

Just post what's on your mind.

[petalouda]

Hi all,

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back here but a) I was up to my neck in marking and b) to be honest there wasn't a lot happening. But I'm back here today because a) my marking's finished and b) it's been a rough day.

I went to the docs yesterday (no point she wasn't really interested - lots of 'ums' and no eye contact) and she just said 'have you been suicidal?' 'no?' 'see you in two weeks'. I wasn't too worried as I've been fine but today on the way back from a trip to the shops with the family I felt like I couldn't breathe (even though I was and quite deeply) and felt really 'out of it'. Where the hell did that come from???

I'm also back at work on Monday and although I really thought I'd be OK I'm not so sure now. This was the place I had the first real 'outage' which prompted me to go the docs and accept the medication, and this is the first time I've been there since. Now that the incident today has refocused me on what I was beginning to forget, ie. panicking, I'm starting to feel terrified but don't know why - I can do the job in my sleep. But the thought of telling my employer I can't come in and even more so why is more terrifying!

Like I said, bay day. Peta

[HarrogateChris]

Peta,

So sorry I didn't reply sooner, I hope things have picked up since your bad day.

I initially had a very unsympatheic GP, however I needed an appointment at short notice and ended up seeing a different doctor, she has been fantastic and really supportive. They're in the same practice but completely different.

The most important thing at the moment is that you take care of yourself and get well. If you don't do that you're unlikely to be able to maintain the other things anyway. I stayed far too long in work and that didn't help me at all.

Take care

Chris x