My partner has GAD

[Lucy]

Hello everyone, I've been aware of this forum for a little while but finally decided to join.

My fiance and partner of 5 years was diagnosed with GAD about a year and a half ago. Before he got ill, when we got engaged, he had a few issues with anxiety but they have been nowhere near as bad as they are now, as he has been out of work since he got ill. He's on meds and tried counselling and seems a lot better but still can't face getting back to work.

I'm 24, and finding supporting him really, really tough; emotionally, and financially, since we live together. I feel frustrated as I want to do more with my life, the biggest thing being starting my own business but I can't, as the only wage earner keeping a roof over our heads, I have no money to save with. I love him, but I didn't choose to be in this situation. I don't know what I should be feeling. I'm hoping to get some proper counselling for myself to talk about how I feel because I have real problems discussing this with friends - apart from the fact that they just don't really understand what this is like, I feel bad burdening people with my feelings - and I can't talk to my partner about this either because he has enough to deal with.

Is anyone here in a similar situation? I feel terribly alone with what we are going through and I have come to terms with the fact that I can't just struggle on trying to be the strong one when really I'm not doing very well in myself. I have suffered from depression in the past so I'm worried about me too :( I feel incredibly selfish writing this because I know it's nothing compared to what he's going through.

Sorry, this post has been a real splurge. Thank you for reading x

[diane07]

Hi Lucy

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[aabualia]

hi lucy,

first of all I would like to apologise about my English language.
I do understand exactly what do you feel and your post is not related to selfish or not
I think all what you suffering is hard problem with your life as your partner is effecting your life

I do not think you have depression, I think you have No More energy to support I mean you reach a point that you can not stand this and you do not have plan B
life is not easy and you should be stronger, you should plan how you face your problem
I am not expert but i will tell you if I were you what I would do

I will find a recommended plan of support (long term - 6 months or more) then you should believe in god, ask him to support you, pray at night when you are alone ask him directly
he is listening to you
his support will not come like a magic but he will guide you to the answers (sometimes we call it by chance rather than god)
do not leave your partner try to be one of those people who give more than take
show him that you are strong, he needs some one strong (or seems strong) this will support him

and IF I WERE YOU I WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE HIM EVEN I DO NOT LOVE HIM LIKE BEFORE, THIS IS YOU BATTLE AND GOD WANTS YOU TO WIN

I will remind you later on maybe after weeks or months or even few years when you win and when you remember these difficult days
these memories will be the best one in your life and every time you remember it you will feel the victory. do not stop and look forward this is your real test if you can do it you will never fail

[JaneC]

Hi Lucy I think counselling sounds like a good idea. I can very much relate to what you say, even though my husband suffers from an entirely different type of medical condition. It makes life really hard - although at least he is able to give me some support in his way at times. I definitely think you should seek out some kind of help xx

[harasgenster]

Hi Lucy
Don't worry, nothing you have said sounds selfish to me. Coping with the mental illnesses of people you love is always going to be difficult and it can only be harder if you have to care for them financially as well as giving them emotional support.

I'm afraid I've always been the one being looked after but I sometimes face my boyfriend feeling depressed or locking himself up alone instead of seeing his friends and I find it really hard knowing I can't just make it go away.

Obviously, this is nothing compared to what you are going through as my boyfriend continues to work and I'm usually the worst out of the two of us.

You're being extremely patient and selfless in supporting your boyfriend when you are having to sacrifice so much, so don't feel bad that you're not finding it easy.

Bear in mind that people with mental health problems don't need to be sheltered and it is ok to approach your boyfriend and see if he could do a bit more. Could he perhaps get a part-time job and see how it goes? Although after a breakdown it is very difficult to get back into work and I do believe that some people need to have a rest, eventually it is often the best thing for people to take jobs on again. It gets them out of the house, gives them a sense of purpose and if, as I imagine he is, your boyfriend feels guilty about you bringing all the money in it will help with this too.

in the meantime, you could always see if there are support groups you could go to in your area. I'm not sure what's out there for people in your position but there must be something for those looking after people with mental health disorders as it's always going to be a strain.

Good luck with everything

[Groundhog]

Hi Lucy

Sounds like you are having a tough time there, I can’t help directly in so much as I’m the anxiety sufferer (Not bad anxiety, I still work and function normally) perhaps you should talk to my wife

I’m struggling here to find the right words and I’m sure there are members on here that will certainly disagree with me but here it is, from 'the hip’ so to speak, I get the impression you are ready to give up and part of me senses that may be the best thing as you have very clear ideas of your future and I think ultimately if you can’t achieve them you will end up resentful. I have always believed there is a difference between loving someone and liking them and for the right reasons.

Do you communicate to your boyfriend your feelings? Just wondered if he knows how you feel and your aims in life.


Sounds like joint counselling might help, have you considered this?


I’m not suggesting you should up and leave tomorrow but I think an all round pro-active approach to get you back on track might work but if that fails..........

[Lucy]

Thank you all so much for your kind words, a lot of which really struck a chord with me. It's a relief to just be able to talk about this.

I think I really need to be able to talk at length with a professional to try and work out really what I am feeling. When I posted last night I felt totally helpless, had spent too much time with thoughts swirling round in my head on my own, and was leaning towards leaving. But today we had a lovely day together, and it's days like this that reinforce how much I really do love him. I would love for us to be able to work this through because our good days are really, really good.

I think the crux of the issue really is to do with him not working. I would feel so much happier and more positive about the future if he could work even a few hours a week, even if it was to earn a pittance, because at least it's progress and helping him to build his confidence. As it is he seems better but then he is pretty incapable of sitting down and talking about how he is *really* doing. Coaxing anything meaningful out of him requires an entire evening, usually involves us both crying and it requires a lot of energy I just don't have. Previously he has talked about trying to go back to work, but then just can't face the prospect of signing on or talking to people at the jobcentre let alone interviews and the like, so he goes back on ESA. He has real issues with communicating how he really feels and says that often he just tells people what he thinks they want to hear, and this has happened a lot in relation to me wanting him to go back to work. In the past when I have tried to nudge him towards work this is what has happened, so in the end he admits that work was never on the cards for him all along and I end up terribly disappointed, both that my expectations were raised unnecessarily and also disappointed that he is unable to tell me what's really going on.

Throughout his illness I have really pushed him to help himself - like to stick with counselling, try talking on this site, read books relating to anxiety etc, not to just rely on meds and bide his time - he always makes the right noises when I suggest these things but he never follows through and actually does them. I guess I have given up any form of trying to nudge him in the right direction by suggesting what could help because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.

With regards to my ambitions, I am aware any relationship involves compromises and I am trying to work out really how I can achieve the things I want while still being with him - I feel like there must be a way, just maybe finding it will take time. Sometimes I'm not as patient as I should be. I just hope I will some day get there.

I have never heard of joint counselling - relationship counselling yes, but I'm not sure whether a relationship counseller could also work with these GAD-related issues. Thank you for this suggestion, Groundhog - this is something I am going to discuss with my GP. Harasgenster - I have thought about visiting a support group or similar, and with the limited bit of research I have done already, there are carers support groups in my area. The only reason I haven't looked into this further, silly though it sounds, is because I am still coming to terms with falling into the category of a carer of some sort. It doesn't feel like that! Maybe this is something I could also discuss with my GP - thank you for suggesting this.

My new years resolution is to have a bit more me time, and I intend to learn mindfulness meditation - I am hoping that learning to cultivate a still centre within myself might help with all of this.

Thank you again Diane, Aabualia, JaneC, Harasgenster and Groundhog for your considered answers. In the space of a day you have given me more help and food for thought than I have had in this year and a half. xx

[Sparkled]

Hi Lucy,
I feel pretty much exactly the same as you do. My partner of 7 years has always suffered from panic attacks and has occasionally been given anti-depressants. I hadn't realised that they had become such a problem mainly because he doesn't tell me and I've only seen one, so I feel guilty. I've said to him over and over again through the years that if he went to the Dr's he could get some help for them but he dismissed it everytime saying they'd just give him more anti-depressants. I told him to change Dr if they wouldn't offer anything else except for them.

Early in Sept during a drunken conversation he went into detail about the OCD that he suffers from & how the panic attacks form from that (although I don't think he realises the connection), but he thinks there's a physical problem rather than accept that there's not. He suffered a bad panic attack after that and finally went to the Dr and told the 'whole' story about what was happening. I was so relieved when he came home and told me he'd been. They had prescribed anti-d's but also referred him to the mental health team. He told me he'd been given a depression questionnaire (for the 1st time!) and as I've had the questionnaire myself I asked him what he answered to the suicidal and self harming questions. My world felt like it fell down around me when he said he has been feeling that way.

Basically since then he has been seen a couple of times by the mental health team, I think they have offered him CBT now and they made an appointment for him to see a psychiatrist on 15th Dec. The psychiatrist put up his dose of Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg and also prescribed 100mg of Quetiapine to take at night to stop his racing thoughts, so he could get to sleep. I've spent days on the net over the last 3 months trying to learn about everything that is happening to him. Unfortunately 'Dr Google' seems to suggest that Quetiapine is used as an anti-psychotic, so now I've become really worried about what thoughts he is still having. When I asked him if the psychiatrist had said a potential diagnosis he said he didn't know as he couldn't concentrate due to there being other people in the room. I've finally managed to find today that other people are given these for the reason that he said rather than used just as a anti-psychotic. So I feel a bit better now.

I've spent hours crying over the last months, I feel completely helpless & useless. He's struggled with work, we have 2 children so I'm worrying about money all the time. I actually feel like I'm being dragged down a hole and am powerless to stop it. I can't talk to anyone, as I feel like I'm going on and on. My friends don't understand the seriousness of it. He doesn't act any different at all really, so if he hadn't told me, I'd still probably not understand either. I'd still be blissfully unaware and think it was mild depression & panic attacks. I couldn't tell my partner any of this, as it certainly wouldn't help as then he'd feel guilty as well as everything else. I'm just carrying on as 'normal' but a miserable, moody, snapping at the kids version.

Like you, I don't know where to get some support, I certainly don't feel like a carer either. I also understand the disappointment. I'm feeling it mainly at the moment because he's drinking too much. I haven't had thoughts of leaving but I know I'm really scared of the future. I'd love to do joint counselling but I don't want him to know how badly I'm feeling. Sorry I've really rambled there(that'd be the 'going on' to my friends bit I mentioned)! In simple terms, no you're not the only one who's feeling the same as you are. I've started a private blog so when my head starts spinning I've got somewhere it wont be found to write it down and 'let it out'. I think it helps a bit!

Thank you for posting so much. I now feel that I'm not the only one as well. The people that replied have also helped too.

[Lucy]

Hi Sparkled - thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Now I am reaching out to ask for some help rather than struggling on my own I am feeling a bit less alone, I hope that you are feeling the same.

I don't have any children so can only imagine how tough it must be for you to try and support not just him and yourself but the kids too. *more hugs*

Since I posted I have got in touch with my GP with a view to getting some counselling. I don't think joint counselling would be such a great idea, having thought more about it, like you I don't want to worry my bloke with what is on my mind, and I'd like to be able to talk openly. I have also contacted my local carers support team who I am going to meet up with shortly to discuss if there would be any help for me.

I am still feeling pretty bleak at times but at least now I feel like I am doing something to help myself, and not just trying to deal with it on my own.