Scared of pregnancy and terrified of birth!

[NosilaB]

Hi all

I've followed posts on here about tocophobia in the past, but thought it was time I started one of my own...

My husband and I have just been referred to a fertility clinic to help us try for a baby....however, there are several issues 1) I'm REALLY scared of pregnancy 2) I'm PETRIFIED of giving birth 3) my husband would rather not have children! To top it off I have a needle phobia, so the thought of epidurals, drips, injections really scares me also. I feel like I'm going completely mad most of the time because one half of me really wants a baby, but the other half holds me back because of this stupid phobia of pregnancy and birth My husband is willing to go along with all of this to keep our relationship together (he loves me to bits), but if he had the choice he'd rather we just stayed as a couple, and didn't become a family. If all goes to plan with the fertility treatment I could very likely be pregnant within the next couple of months and I'm absolutely terrified - even though it's what I want...see...I feel like I'm going crazy!! My final prob is that I'm 38 (39 this year!) so I don't have much time to waste and the clinic are keen to get things going....

[macc noodle]

What on earth is the point of pursuing fertility issues given your fear of pregnancy, needles etc and your partner's lack of interest in having a family?

I really do think that you need to sort out these issues first before embarking on what may turn out to be even more stressful than you can imagine.

I have to tell you that I never wanted children, had an abject fear of hospitals and medical intervention and all things medical but at the ripe old age of 34 had my first child (a happy accident) and a pregnancy that was fraught with trips to and from the hospital because of blood pressure issues - brought on I am sure by my health anxieties - but which culminated in a very stressful ventouse birth which absolutely terrified me and traumatised me to the point of a complete post natal breakdown BUT I DO NOT REGRET A SINGLE MOMENT OF IT.

Then again, when aged 40, I became pregnant for a second time I seized control and decided that I was not going to have such a stressful pregnancy and that I was going to have a much better birth experience - the result - well I managed to stay at home until well into labour and arrived at the hospital just over an hour before birth, no drugs intervention required (just a little gas and air and I mean a little) and a completely natural birth with no stitches JOY !!!

You can overcome your fears but you do need a 100% committed partner to help.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Dizz]

This is going to sound awful NosilaB but I tend to agree with the last post ie should you really be embarking on fertility treatemnet if your hubby is only agreeing because it's what you thibk you want and not what he wants.

I've had a child and I found being pregnant a really lovely experience, yes child birth was rather painful (I only had gas and air and no need for needles) but it wasnt that bad and the pain was all forgotten about in no time.

BUT fertility treatment is not so straight forward in the first instance (I know cos my sister started it). Her hubby had to inject her daily PRIOR to eggs being taken etc etc and there are a lot of pre-tests to go through too.

Without wanting to sound even ruder I'm suprised that they will allow you to start treatment if you are so scared of needles, pregnancy, birth and you yourself say that only HALF OF YOU really wants a baby and your hubby that doesn't really want one at all... sorry :( Is this on the NHS or are you paying privately ?

I can see that maybe your age is worrying you (ie maybe it's a now or never thing) but you do really have to think all this through as starting a family is a huge commitment and from what you say I dont think either of you sound like you are at the moment.

Just remember though that the pregnancy side of it all is the easier bit... its the looking after them that is the hard bit and even the strongest of relationships can be stretched and cracks appear when there is a sleepless baby... a stubborn toddler.... a grumpy teenager.... I'm not upto the next phase yet

Wouldnt change any of it for the world though now

[NosilaB]

Thanks both for your thoughts and comments. I'm guessing neither of you have tocophobia? I've followed other woman on here who suffer with tocophobia, some with very happy positive outcomes, so I guess I was just looking for some support and encouragement from like-minded woman. It's a very difficult phobia to deal with (as most are!), because I DO want a child, but I'm never going to be able to commit 100% because of my fears around pregnancy, birth and needles - but I am committed to my decision more than ever before - it's taken 3 years to get to where I am now. My husband is happy to agree to this but he has his own fears and anxieties to cope with, he is a natural worrier and his anxieties are mostly financial worries (I’ve been told a lot of men feel this way – it’s not abnormal). I'm having to push myself through my fears, already having to deal with several blood tests to get the fertility treatment underway. It hasn't been easy for me but I'm proud of myself for having had them done, and my husband has been very supportive re the tests. I'm currently on tablets for my fertility treatment and the hosp/docs are very positive that they will work for me, so currently no plans to go as far as IUI or IVF, which of course would involve being injected every day. It hasn't been easy, at any stage of my journey, but I don't want to throw it all away and give up now just because my phobia says I should! I just hope there are others out there who feel the same as me, and understand where I'm coming from and give me the help, support and encouragement that I need right now. I guess the point of me pursuing the treatment is that I am trying really hard to overcome my 'issues' and I want to tackle this phobia once and for all - I'm fed up of it taking control of my life - I'm trying to take control of 'it' for once!

[Dizz]

Hiya NosilaB

No I don't have tocophobia.. infact I'd never even heard of it until reading your post. I was however scared stiff of giving birth like most mums to be are.. but obviously not to the same extremes as you are.


It is great that you are so determined to overcome your fears.. thats wonderful.


But I'd also like to add that I appologise if anything I said in my previous reply sounded harsh or offended you but my comments were based on your first post where you clearly stated that


"your husband would rather not have children... and your husband is willing to go along with all of this to keep your relationship together ..... but if he had the choice he'd rather you just stayed as a couple, and didn't become a family. "

Hope it all goes well for you and your hubby

[macc noodle]

Hi NosilaB

I too have never heard of tocophobia until your post!

However, I am utterly terrified of needles, examinations, doctors, hospitals, etc etc etc - so you can call your fear whatever you want but my fears and phobias I had prior to having my children (and ongoing too !!!!) were very very real and very very frightening.

That said, my post was not meant to offend you in any way, merely to point out that you can overcome fears - I did, despite having to confront things I would never have believed I would ever do - just ask my husband how many times he had to drive around the hospital car park when I had to go for my blood tests !!!!!

Also, I can understand that you want a child but my post said that I did not understand why you would want to contemplate getting pregnant (esp. as you are facing needing fertility treatment) without dealing with your fears BEFOREHAND! I think that is a perfectly rational statement to make and one which I as a sufferer of severe HA, white coat syndrome etc for over 15 years firmly believe would make your eventual pregnancy so much more enjoyable, pleasurable and less stressful. As my previous post said I had a very stressful first pregnancy (resembling a bloody pin cushion each time I went to see midwife and a very intrusive and medically controlled birth) to a lovely stress free and drug free relaxing second birth some 6 years later. It can be done!

I am sure that with help you can achieve a pregnancy that will be enjoyable and something to be cherished and wish you luck along the way.

Take care

x

[Stav_98]

Tocophobia is likely to be a cause behind the requirement for fertility treatment. If you're body isn't ready or doesn't feel healthy enough it has a habit of rejecting pregnancy or terminating it by itself. The later is something to be thoughtful of.

Also sounds a bit risky having a child if your other half isn't 100% supportive. We've got a 4 week old and by God you'll need the support!

My wife is needle phobic so I wouldn't worry too much about that. If you wish you can opt out of having any of the blood tests etc, although you'll obviously be warned of the dangers of doing so. My wife had two of the blood tests and had to have some post birth to check for pre-eclampsia. She passed out, threw up everywhere but other than that coped brilliantly! Seriously though the hospitals have folk who are used to such situations, the wife had an anesthetist do many of her tests.

[peach]

all right, time for me to get on board this jugganaught.



nosila, i know you, you know me. were both tocophobics.
im here to support you 100%!!!!!

nosilas thing about her hubby wasnt worded well. her hubby is just very scared of having a baby. its not that hes not wanting one. when nosila has their baby he will be 100% there and will love being a dad. no question there.

i have a HUGE post on here about my whole experieince with this exact topic.
i KNOW you can do this lovely lady. you have all it takes to go the distance. plus youve seen me go through it from start to finish.

i think you are AMAZING for facing your fears! i think your INCREDIBLE for wanting to make a dream happen. i also think you will both be fantastic parents. Please keep this thread going as it was very theraputic for me and i believe will be for you. just remember too many people post on here never overcome their fears, so the fact youve gone this far is just cause for a huge hug and congratulations. you are not alone!!! im here the whole way!!

now....dont fret about falling preg yet...it hasnt happened...just take each day at the moment. do u have a mobile number?
ill give you mine in facebook and when you find out you can message me. its only 50 cents for international messages here...

[NosilaB]

Hi Peach! So great to see you on here! You are so right, I didn't word the whole thing about hubby very well - so I think people have misunderstood that part. My husband is and would without a doubt be VERY supportive, and very much a hands-on parent if we ever get to that stage. It's mainly financial worries that hold him back, and scared of change - it's gonna be a tough fews years to come with the state of our economy and with worrying about job security etc etc, all things that can't be predicted and as everyone keeps telling me there is never a 'right' time to have a baby, so what is the point of holding off any longer because uncertainty around the economy and finances, when who knows what will happens?! The main prob is my tocophobia, and I'm trying to do everything I possibly can to overcome that; I've had hypnotherapy, have been following people's journey's on here, am seeing a counsellor at the fertility clinic who has recommended CBT, have made myself go for blood tests etc so I am trying to help myself, but at the end of the day I think the only thing that will help me overcome my fear is to actually get on and do it! It's the old thing of "millions of women do it every day" which I know, and have to remind myself of - and many woman manage to have a baby with fears and phobias like tocophobia AND needle phobia, so I know it can be done - it just all becomes very scary when it's about to happen to me personally rather than reading about other people. Thank you soooo much Peach for your support and encouragement as I know you know exactly how I feel, so understand my thoughts and worries, and you have been such a HUGE inspiration to me and I hope more than anything that one day I can have a happy positive outcome just as you did I really really hope I can get a postive, supportive thread going here because if I do fall pregnant I'm sure gonna need it!!

PS: I've messaged you my mobile number

[Babywishing]

Hi Nosilab! I'm so sorry for my late reply. I wrote the previous post about being tokophobic and you kindly replied to my post....but as I always do, I had a few weeks of going into denial, pretending I'm fine and didn't even check for replies until today. Then I saw your post!

I can 2000000% understand how you are feeling!!! I am right here feeling the same thing! And I know how incredibly hard it is to live each day with this fear. I've had this fear since I was a tiny girl and it's impacted every year of my life! I've had depression because of it! Daily anxiety! 7 years of vaginismus! Hypnotherapy! CBT! Thoughts of utter shame! Deciding not to have children! Looking at adoption! It goes on.

I desperately want to start a family now. My friends are now starting families, my little sister has just announced she is pregnant. I know I'm ready to be a mum. But my fear is worse than it's ever been. I spend every second of every day trying to work out how to get past this. I'm on a constant rollercoaster. So much so, I will post a thread on this forum about my fear and then not check for replies until a month later! And why? Because the past 4 weeks I have slipped back into denial, told myself I'm ok, even convinced myself I would simply do hypnobirthing and all would be fine.......then I parked my car up at home yesterday evening and suddenly all the denial melted away, the fear hit me like a ton of bricks and I wept the entire night.

I've spent every year of my life dealing with this phobia. So much so I blank it out for a few weeks every few months to give myself a break from the thinking. But it all bottles up deep down inside and then I burst and break down all over again. Thats what happened today and that's what made me log back on here. And thankfully I came across your post.

Your post has reminded me I'm not alone. I'm not a freak. This real life debilitating phobia that hundreds of women live with....but yet it's SO misunderstood! How is it possible in the 21st century that people still haven't heard of Tokophobia! And there's hardly any support out there! I found the same thing when I was suffering from vaginismus - when I'm at my lowest I wonder how life dealt me two conditions that even the 21st century can't handle!?

My fears are so similar to yours. Im nervous about parts of pregnancy. But it's the birth that kills me. I had a horrible experience with a doctor when I was 3 years old and had to be examined. It's my earliest memory and im sure it's where it all started. Although I don't know this for sure. Since that time I have never been able to use tampons, I shake at the thought of a smear test or a doctor examining me. And as I previously mentioned, I couldn't have intercourse for years due to the fear of getting pregnant.

I had hypnotherapy which sadly didn't help. I had cbt but sadly again didn't help. The positives for me from all of this are that I discovered reiki, Reflexology and alternative therapies. I desperately turned to them as a last hope two years ago and the peace they offered me is what gave me the ability to overcome my vaginismus. I was so amazed by then I am now training as a holistic therapist so I can help others . Sadly they haven't been able to help my tocophobia.

I am so sorry to hear you're having to go through fertility treatment as well as dealing with tocophobia. You are SO incredibly brave!!!! And a real inspiration to me. I haven't started ttc and I'm in my late twenties so I pray I don't have fertility issues but I'll have to wait and hope.... You really are such a strong woman! And the strength you are showing proves what a great mum you'll make! You deserve it so much.

Sadly as you've seen, so many people have no clue what Tokophobia is and we often have to face harsh comments. I understand it's difficult for people to understand it - for example I don't understand other phobia...flying for example. But - I do know phobias are awful and I would never dismiss or belittle another persons phobia. It hurts that Tokophobia isn't respected in the same way. We have enough to cope with without being judged!

That's why it's so great to talk to others like you who have the same fears. And reading peaches story is SO amazing!!!!!!!! With people like us talking about it I really hope we can reach out to others.

I would love to share this journey with you. I by no means have answers at this point. I'm determined that I need to have a csection once I become pregnant but I'm sure this will have to be privately so my husband and I are very stressed right now about our finances and how to raise 9k! Like you, my fears and our financial worries seem to say 'leave children' but my heart is desperate to be a mum.

Feel free to message me anytime and please keep me updated on how you're doing. We didn't ask for this phobia and we don't deserve to be punished by having no children.

You're not alone xx