one massive rant...........

[NumbForest]

Well 2010 is nearly over and I must admit I am rather looking forward to a new year and a fresh start!!

I don’t even really know where to start with my year. I feel like I have slipped back into some bad habits. My anxiety is worse than it has been in a few years and as for my depression? Well that is just making my life a living hell! I don’t seem to want to do anything. even getting out of bed seems to be a challenge. Then when I do manage to get out of bed, every time I go out the house I feel massive anxiety. I think most people think I am faking it as it really has gotten to the point where I don’t get out of bed for two days, other than to go and get something to eat or to go to the toilet.

Yet I cannot see why. I don’t really have any major issues in my life that should make me this depressed. I mean if I look back at my life before I moved to Spain, I was seen as lower than everyone. Most people believed they were better than me and to be honest, i believed most were better than me. I did crap in education and really had no prospects of going anywhere, even though I was at college. compare that to my life now and really I should be really happy. I now have friends that believe they are equal to me and don’t look down upon me (well some do, but there is always the odd few aint there? LOL). I am at university and somehow got through my first year and now in my second year and I am surrounded by people that actually care about me, which still amazes me.

However, I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that I am somehow not good enough. Somehow not worthy of this care people show for me. I feel as though I cannot bring anything to friendships or relationships for that matter. I mean maybe I can help people with stuff. Then what though? I’m not particularly funny, or fun, or a good conversationalist. I don’t go out on nights out, or drink or every really “let myself go”. So how can anyone care about someone as boring as myself?

Also if my own mum would rather drink than have a relationship with me, what must that say about me? I know, don’t take it personally, don’t allow myself to feel responsible and all that. sometimes though that is hard to do, when the one person that is supposed to put you above and beyond everyone and everything else, puts vodka before you!

I just feel as though everything I worked so hard to beat is coming back and smacking me in the face. I remember when I first decided to go to college. I remember the strength it took me to be able to go. I walked to the shop every day for a month, no matter how I was feeling, whether I had money or not. Just so that I could be prepared to go to college. All that seems like it was worth nothing though when now, every time I am out, all I want to do is run back home. I don’t think I have the strength to start again.

Every time I wake up, I know I have another battle on my hands to live a half normal life. I can’t just get up, have a shower and begin my day. I wish I could. I wish this stupid load of crap in my brain would just p*** off and leave me alone. Then I get people telling me to “pull it together” or “No one else can help me if I won’t help myself”. Seriously?? WTF do people think I have been trying to do for the last 5 years? I haven’t been sitting on my arse thinking “oh well I am ill” I have battled to get to where I am, despite my illness. sometimes I don’t have the strength in me to keep on battling! Sometimes I want to give up because I feel there is no way out. Yet i still battle. Instead of seeing that though, some people just see that sometimes I give up.

I have tried helping myself. I have been to the doctors more times than most people go in their life, begging them for help!! I am not stupid, I know it will take work on my part and I am willing to put that work in because honestly, I just want my life back. Yet that is not so easy to do when all I get offered is CBT, which for me does not work! My last CBT therapist-I have been refered for it 4 times already-said I was doing everything that I need to in order to get better, it is just not working. Still however, the doctors insist this is some miricle cure, that will somehow make me magically better. No matter how many times I go and it doesn’t work, I still get referred again and again. So let me ask, what else is it I can do to “help myself”, in order for others to “help me”?

Well I didn’t know what way this was going to go, turned out, it was a rant on my part about, well everything lol.

[ladybird64]

Good for you for having a (unintentional ) rant.

I don't have answers, I wish I did but have a few comments on what you have posted.

I was similar to you in that I did all the "right" things to deal with my issues which were agoraphobia and panic attacks..I am by nature a highly strung type of person.
I think that we spend so much time fighting our demons to obtain what we want that all the background stuff that contributes to who we are is left by the wayside and not dealt with.

I have had many situations in my life where I have fought like crazy to get what's needed..services for my disabled daughter, battled the DWP for months, loads of different things.

I fought and I won so I should be content right?

Yep, for all of a few days, then I would come crashing down to earth with a bang. Like you I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me..why can't I just be happy?

I still haven't quite got it figured out but do have a bit of a theory! I reached a point at the beginning of last year where I was without a doubt suicidal. I was put on medication (which I had steadfastly refused for over 20 yrs) because it was needed, I knew that. I also somehow accepted that I had done my best, I had no fight left and I didn't want to TRY and do anything..I gave up.

The minute I gave up, I started to feel better. When I stopped caring about how I should be feeling, I felt great. Go figure

You sound as if you are constantly analysing yourself, what you have done, what you are doing now, who you were, who you are..and more importantly why you are not good enough.

Because of your mums actions, not yours, you don't think you are worthy of attention and time. You aren't good enough for your Uni friends, even though you KNOW that they care for you, you still don't believe it.

Not funny enough, not outgoing enough, not talkative enough..all faults in your eyes but obviously not believed by anyone else but you.
I am not a spring chicken (an old hen actually) but regardless of what age we are, we want friends that aren't false, don't act like complete idiots..people that we can feel at ease with and enjoy their friendship.
You sound like the perfect friend to me.

It feels like you are still trying to find your "place" in the world, that you don't belong. You have won your battle hun and you have a place in the world..you just need to stop looking, stop fighting and stop trying so hard to find the answer.

Sod everybody else and their opinions, they count for nothing, honestly.
You and we, know the toll it has taken to get you to where you are now..you just need to believe that nobody or nothing can pull the rug from under your feet.

I know how hard it is to believe that and I have slipped back myself a little but I'm sure you will be ok, just be kinder to yourself.

As for CBT..dunno, haven't done it! there wil probably someone who says you must be doing it wrong or something but I wouldn't stress over that.
Not sure how you feel about meds, maybe an option?

I hope this works out for you but please, you've done nothing wrong. Stop kicking yourself.

Take care

[gaaron]

Hi grandadslilsamm, Ladybird has given a wonderful answer. I think the main thing is not to beat yourself up over a 'blip'. When I feel bad, I try to take time out for a few days (bed) and not to worry about it. I then feel more able to cope after the 'rest'. As regards to your mum, she'll have her reasons. Are you able to get help where families are affected by a family members drinking?
Anyhow, well done, moving to a different country, going to uni and making new friends!! They are big things to do, so give yourself a big cuddle. Take care xx