Binge eating

[Karen]

Sorry to be posting in somewhat of a state again. I was going to say crisis, but I'm trying hard not to let myself get dragged down to that stage.

There are various things going on at the moment that are combining to make this a difficult weekend, after what has been a difficult week. It doesn't help that tomorrow is Mother's Day and I feel upset yet again that my mum doesn't want to know me. What is so irrational is that I don't even want her attention anymore particularly, because I've been hurt so many times in the past with the repeated rejections. However, I still have a void inside and miss not ever having received love from a mum.

Years of various emotional attachments were my way of trying to cope with this but recently I have been making huge attempts to stop the obsessing and to let go of wanting K to be my mum. I accept that she is not my mum and never will be. I now just want a normal friendship with her.

However, I feel this aching and emptiness inside and now I am not clinging to K or expecting her to make things alright for me, I don't know how to handle it. Now I am scared because I have such a strong urge to binge, I suppose to try to fill this emptiness with something... anything. I know food won't do it and I know I'll hate myself and want to punish myself if I give in, but I am frightened that I am not strong enough to resist. I've been fighting the feelings all afternoon, but they are getting stronger. The temptation is getting stronger and I feel such a failure for not being able to control it.

Bingeing is causing me to gain so much weight, which just further damages my already nonexistent self-esteem.

I don't know what to do to cope. I've been distracting myself. I've been out for a walk (without taking money so I couldn't buy anything). I've tried writing down how I am feeling. I've cleaned the flat and been looking at my inspiration book. Nothing is working.

I guess I need some help but I don't know what anyone can do. Just so scared I am about to cave in.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[wendy]

HI Karen

It is so hard isnt it, I know how you feel am having the worse ever day too. Cant really give too much advice but am ok at listening, will be online for a while so if you fancy a chat please feel free to send me a pm

Wendy xx

[Quirky]

Hi Karen,

Don't be sorry for posting and well done for recognising that struggling doesn't mean a crisis.

You really are doing so well, especially with the attachment and your attitude to K now.

Mothers day is hard, I do understand that, it must make you think about things. I know what you mean about a void too, I know my mum loved me but she died when I was 8 and I've always felt a void since then. I'd love to know what it would be like to have a close relationship with her and have known her better. My step mum is great but it will never be the same.

I don't know what to suggest about the cravings you're having, you seem to have tried all the things I would have suggested. Have you been eating ok since having the migraine?, I know migraines make many feel to ill to eat. If that's the case your body may just need food.

I expect you know alot about binge eating, but when I was in the health food shop I was looking for a book on PCOS (they didn't have one), but I did find one on binge eating. Just looked it up on amazon and this is the link if you're interested:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/...099103-7246811

You have probably read stuff like it maybe, but if not it may help to understand it better. Just an idea anyway.

Hang in there, you are strong and can beat this and the cravings, it will only make you feel worse if you give in. You can resist and even if you can't always resist you are not a failure in any way, quite the opposite I'd say.

I know weekends are hard and tomorrow being mothers day, are you still going to talk to Becky tomorrow? I hope so as that may help you.

Bug hug, thinking of you.

Lisa x

[Karen]

Thank you Wendy and Lisa for replying.

I'm so disgusted with myself each time I feel like this that I don't even know what to say really. Just want to not be me and not be like this anymore. I feel much greater distress than I ever did when I wasn't eating at all.

Lisa: I hope I haven't stirred up memories for you too. I thought I was coping better than this but the rejection still hurts. I don't even want to see my mum because I know she doesn't care, but that just leaves a feeling of 'nothingness' that I don't know how to deal with. I was trying to fill that void with my fantasies about K but I'm no longer doing that and know it wasn't the answer. The trouble is that I don't know what is.

I just don't want to feel anything - emotionally anyway. If I binge I think feel justified in punishing myself and can transfer the emotional pain into feeling physically ill.

Just want it all to stop. I don't want to feel anything. K tells me that numbing my emotions is what led me here in the first place, but anything is better than feeling this way.

Thanks for the link to the book Lisa. I'll have a look but there comes a time when reading about what to do is no longer enough and I need to actually DO something.

I think I am still seeing Becky tomorrow but I have such terrible thoughts in my head at the moment that I'm not sure I can share these with anyone.

Karen xx

[feege]

Hi karen sweetie

((((((HUGS))))))

You are doing so well, this is a very difficult time for you and it is not surprising the urge has come up so strongly.... I can't think of anything to suggest - I wish you were nearer I would come over and drag you out for a while lol! I know you know all the things that I could suggest, all I can say is don't beat yourself up if you can possibly help it.

It will take a long time for the urge to binge/purge to go away, it will just get less and less strong and you will resist it more and more the further along you get - don't expect yourself just not to want to do it... especially at times of particular stress... You have been using these sorts of behaviours for a long time and it will take a while for you to get all the things in place to change your life enough to make it easy but you WILL do it.

Now when are you coming to Brighton hun?

Loads and loads of love and hugs

Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

[Quirky]

Hi Karen,

What Fee says makes sense there, but then she understands this a bit better than I do - clever Aunty Fee!

I know books don't always help, I just thought it may explain ways to help cope and control the cravings. I do understand that alot of things have emotional causes though and that's what needs addressing probably.

I'm sorry I have nothing to suggest really either, I wish I could help more.

It's ok Karen, you haven't stirred up painful memories for me, no problem honest.

Thinking of you, hugs,

Lisa x

[Hannahlou84]

Hi Karen,

You have kind of responded to yourself there in your first post- it might be worth having a reread.

This weekend was never going to be easy for you, was it? Is there anyway you can get involved with doing something for Jac from her little girl? or for Jac's mum as she's undoubtedly findings this weekend difficult too.

Your right, food doesn't fill the void- but nothing other than replacing that love from within yourself is going to do that, and never truly will- feelings associated with your mother are natural, it's something that is inbuilt- and you're right also that you are doing the best thing for you by not trying again this year.. I'm still at the "I'll keep trying and maybe she will change her mind stage".

Did you want people to offer advice on the binge eating, or would it be good for you to talk about your mum and the rest of your family here, and give you a bit of a release?

When I really want to binge and I am able to think through it first, I always go for something that takes a while to make, don't make much of it, and therefore don't go back to it. (Jacket potato is what I mean by ages!!) Or do you like cereal? Or something like ready brek? A little bit of that will make you feel full so you don't want to binge so much.

Sorry, I don't help much!

Han x

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[Karen]

Thank you all again.

Fee: I wish you were a bit nearer too because we could help each other. Being alone is my mine problem when I get these binge urges because I wouldn't do it if someone was here. I feel so ashamed and it is something I do in secret - although I've just told everyone here my guilty secret [Duh!].

I suppose I feel worse about the bingeing because for so long my way of coping was not to eat and I would much rather be using that coping technique again now. I didn't feel ashamed when I didn't eat; in fact it felt good and helped me feel better.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Now when are you coming to Brighton hun?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Hmm soon I hope. This next week is difficult because of various appointments, but I'm free I think on the Wednesday and Friday the following week. What days are best for you?

Lisa: I do appreciate the book suggestion and sometimes these things can help but it is just I feel I know what I should be doing but am having trouble putting it into practice.

The other main problem is that I am still too dependent on using this eating disorder to block out other painful emotions. I am desperate to stop bingeing, but healthy eating is not something I seem able to stick to either. I actually still want to lose weight and wish I could restrict food like I was last summer. Knowing how far I've let myself go since then just increases my feelings of despair. I don't want to be this weight.

Hannah: I don't know what I want to talk about really. I don't really want to talk about mum because there really is no point. I have accepted that she never will be a part of my life but what I haven't worked out is how to deal with the void that not having her love has left inside me. Using food is definitely not something I want to do.

Unfortunately once I start bingeing I get so out of control that I can't stop and I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself for doing that and embarrassed to admit it. I'll eat anything I can get my hands on and then want to purge to get rid of it. I have tried so hard to get off the laxatives and been doing well but now I am tempted again. I also wish I could make myself vomit to get rid of the food I've binged on.

I am not even hungry and don't even want the food so can't really understand why I do it unless it's another form of self-punishment because I know how bad I will feel afterwards.

I don't want to live my life this way but don't know how to stop. Sometimes I get so distressed that I scare myself with what I might do. But hurting myself is all I am trying to achieve here and wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone else.

Feel a complete failure now.

Karen xx

[Piglet]

Hannah had a good idea there of eating something first like ready brek - maybe if you did this you would feel a bit too full to completely go bingematic!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((K)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That is a big fling you round the globe hug which may make you too nauseous to eat !!!

Love Piglet xx

[Karen]

Thanks Piglet.

Unfortunately it's nothing to do with physical hunger. It's hard to explain. It is like a compulsion that I should be able to control but can't and the I hate myself and feel so repulsed by my actions. I actually have thoughts about rather dying than continue like this. Want to go to sleep and not wake up because that's how much I hate myself.

I won't do it because I don't want to hurt anyone but it's how I feel :(.

Karen xx