Sorry to be posting in somewhat of a state again. I was going to say crisis, but I'm trying hard not to let myself get dragged down to that stage.

There are various things going on at the moment that are combining to make this a difficult weekend, after what has been a difficult week. It doesn't help that tomorrow is Mother's Day and I feel upset yet again that my mum doesn't want to know me. What is so irrational is that I don't even want her attention anymore particularly, because I've been hurt so many times in the past with the repeated rejections. However, I still have a void inside and miss not ever having received love from a mum.

Years of various emotional attachments were my way of trying to cope with this but recently I have been making huge attempts to stop the obsessing and to let go of wanting K to be my mum. I accept that she is not my mum and never will be. I now just want a normal friendship with her.

However, I feel this aching and emptiness inside and now I am not clinging to K or expecting her to make things alright for me, I don't know how to handle it. Now I am scared because I have such a strong urge to binge, I suppose to try to fill this emptiness with something... anything. I know food won't do it and I know I'll hate myself and want to punish myself if I give in, but I am frightened that I am not strong enough to resist. I've been fighting the feelings all afternoon, but they are getting stronger. The temptation is getting stronger and I feel such a failure for not being able to control it.

Bingeing is causing me to gain so much weight, which just further damages my already nonexistent self-esteem.

I don't know what to do to cope. I've been distracting myself. I've been out for a walk (without taking money so I couldn't buy anything). I've tried writing down how I am feeling. I've cleaned the flat and been looking at my inspiration book. Nothing is working.

I guess I need some help but I don't know what anyone can do. Just so scared I am about to cave in.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey