Breasts (again)

[rosi]

I think I'm getting out of my current HA flare up but it's not going to let me go that easy. I liken it to a demon on my back. I've been very good, no checking no googling. I distract myself, I ignore the 'symptoms' but every day I fixate on a new breast thing.

Today it's my breasts being different sizes. Now, I was measured for a bra many years ago so I know that I have breasts that are a whole cup size in difference but, no, I can't accept that. Now, I'm convinced that one is much larger than the other. This is so crazy, I hate my breasts and almost wish I had my old HA obsession back of OC because then the problem wouldn't be in front of me (bad pun).

I am an intelligent woman so why won't my demon let me go? I just drift from breast symptom to breast sympton.

[amandy1979]

Hi there,
I may not be able to help you but felt that you are exactly just like me, i poke and prod and look and panic from morning till night, every day. Its a living nightmare. I worry about everything about them. I cannot be rational when it comes to them. My husband is sick of hearing about it, and i feel i cannot enjoy anything at the moment. My husband tells me to go to the doctor if im worried yet that makes me worry more. I cannot bear to look at them. I am 31 years old with children and would like to stop worrying and enjoy life. If you manage to find a way to overcome this or just need someone to who understands im on hear often. Hope you feel better soon.

[rosi]

Thank you so much. The odd thing is that BC was never, ever a fear of mine. I've feared most other things but never that and now suddenly its all I think of. It's sheer lunacy.

I can't quite work out why I'm coming out of this particular loop of HA but if it's anything like on the past I just get plain bored of it. My mind shuts down and I think '**** it, I'm too tired to worry anymore'. I've been on the verge of being ok for a few weeks now and then I'll notice something about my breasts and I'm pulled back. I constantly walk around with one shoulder tense and raised because thats the side I am convinced I 'have' cancer.

Today I've been looking at old pictures of myself (I do a bit of photographic modelling) to see if I have always had one larger. This is just so OCD. I also panic if someone tells me to see a doctor, my irrational mind thinks that they know something I don't know.

There is a way out of this and we'll help each other.

[ellie_C_mason1990]

i've always had one breast bigger than the other! are you pre menstural or ovulating?

[rosi]

I'm on the pill so thankfully ovulation and PMS don't effect me. I know I've always had one breast bigger than the other it's just that now I've decided that one is a lot bigger than the other and to be honest it probably isn't. It's just my mind looking for something to fixate on because deep down inside I don't think it's right to be content and happy.

If I ever have a glimpse of happiness I have to grasp fear as well in a kind of 'I told you it would all go wrong' before it all really does go wrong. I'm not making a lot of sense am I?

[jillyb]

Oh Rosi! I so understand how you are feeling! It's so miserable and so frustrating being like this. I was totally obsessed with BC when I had my mammogram, but it was fine. But that's not the point .... I just go from one worry to another. Currently it is a prolapse .... this is because my sister has just had a hysterectomy for one. She's been walking around with it for 14 years but too scared to go .... eventually she had to. Now, I don't have a prolapse (well, I don't think so) but I have become obsessed with believing that I do! Checking, checking, mind in overdrive, 'what if' etc etc! I saw my therapist on Monday and he made me concentrate on my toe and then describe all the feelings in my toe - it was weird because it did feel swollen etc. He did this to prove to me that if you focus on a part of your body you will feel strange sensations even though there is nothing wrong! He is trying to show me that when you are distracted with other things the 'symptoms' go away and when we concentrate on them they magnify in intensity. I get in a panic too if my husband says 'well, if you are worried, go to the Dr' too!!! I avoid the Dr like the plague - yes, I know, avoidance too! Now, so far as your boobs are concerned .... I think it's normal for women to have one bigger than the other - I do! Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! x

[rosi]

...and this is how mad it is. Now I'm not worried about different sizes because stupid me went and checked and now I think I have nipple discharge again. To explain, I have had a severely inverted nipple for 11 years after breastfeeding. I also have psorasis in my scalp and behind my ears so my bra will feel up with skin flakes and I suppose some will get lodged in the inverted nipple but I just leap to the irrational conclusion that it's discharge when its probably mushed up dry skin flakes and sweat. I saw the doctor in early November and she examined the nipple after its infection (I think I self inflicted this by constant examination because I thought I had discharge) and she said it was perfectly healthy.

To be honest I think the only way I can overcome this is to never look at my breasts again. :(