Fixating on std risk, already tested negative

[sillygirl]

Hi,
Sorry if this is too detailed, but I'm freaking out and don't know who to turn to.

I've been reading all the posts over people worried about HIV, and it does help, but I'm still terrified. I had a test 28 days post encounter, which came back negative, along with all the other std tests. my GP thought it was all good and I should stop worrying. I was in tears when I went to my GP initially about these tests too. I don't even remember if anything happened...I had drank too much, woke up next to a random guy, in the 30 sec convo we had when we woke up he didn't remember either. But I was fully dressed, and if he was too drunk nothing probably even happened...of course I still worry, and feel stupid and silly. I know if anything it was oral sex, but that's still risky.

I have had problems with reccurnet yeast infections my whole life, but now suddenly they're a symptom of HIV. I've been so stressed that the typical symptoms that I feel when I'm stressed have appeared, but they're also possibly HIV so that doesn't make it better. Everything from not sleeping and waking up sweating, to loss of appetite, soft BM, a seemingly constant cold, and itchy down there that hasn't been fixed by treating my yeast infection. I'm also forever examining my tounge to see if it looks like it normally does. Which of course I have no idea, since I don't normally look at my toungue. Looking back at my medical history book (right now super glad I keep one), all the symptoms I have now, I had before my encounter in march. I really don't know what to do...and then I realize that my symptoms could be another STD, and I go google it. I have been trying so hard not to google it, but it's right there!

The funny thing is I wasn't worrying about any of this until jan 3, when my bf and I were talking about sex being painful for me, and I decided I should go back to my GP. I have an appointment to talk about all my problems jan 14, I have an appt with the counsellor at school for jan 12, and I've gone for another HIV test, but waiting is killing me!

I think I feel some guilt too, since my BF trusted me to go to a party on my own, and I may have betrayed that trust. No way will I ever tell him if everything comes back negative bc he told me once that if I ever cheated, he would leave me. I wouldn't blame him. I love him so much, we've been together almost three years. Also, I don't want to have exposed him to anything that will have ruined his life as well as mine.

Sorry for the rant, I would appreciate people's thoughts...I really need to get to Friday.

[westofengland]

I'm sure you're fine HIV anxiety is very common - I've had four tests in 18 months

Oral is pretty low risk despite all the stuff online and it sounds like nothing to worry about

Get tested if you want but it's maybe more to do with anxiety and guilt?

Good luck and god bless. Don't mess up your relationship if you can help it, I've just broke up with my gf (my fault entirely) and losing her was really, really horrible. Don't make the same mistake if you can avoid it as HA and loneliness/guilt is not a great combo

[sillygirl]

Thanks for the reassurance...I like knowing that other people are compassionate.

I think it is a combo of the lonliness/guilt and HA. I saw my bf this weekend, and my HA was practically gone. Due to us being at different universities an hour apart I see him at most every weekend. Now I'm back home again, alone, with not a lot of school work, but just on my computer. I know I need to distract myself, but I can't get myself away from my computer. I need to work on homework, but I can't seem to focus.

[westofengland]

Ach, you are young, don't beat yourself up about it. I have made much worse and hurtful mistakes. Best not to tell him but you don't know that he's totally squeaky clean either. Sure he is but we all make mistakes at your age and older too

Hopefully it'll make you guys stronger, good luck, but life is long, and if you do stick together, expect a few bumps on the way

[sillygirl]

Thanks again. I'm sorry about you and your gf too btw. I'm young, but I feel like I'm getting old fast, and want my life figured out. Life won't go the way it wants though, and I need to come to terms with that.

It's nice to hear about these things from a guys perspective. I made a mistake, one I know I will never make again, and it will make me stronger for it. I've always thought the worst when I have health problems. Especially since I know it makes me get really anxious about having an std. I think that knowing I can hurt someone else makes it that much more intense.

Only my two closest friends know along with my GP...who also told me not to worry, and that it would be best not to tell him. I was fine for the past 10 months, why now? I'm already so relieved that I've decided to join and get help.