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Thread: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    617

    'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'

    Firstly, I wish to state that I have written this purely to bring a smile to my dear friends and fellow sufferers who regularly depend on this amazing site for reassurance and comfort in their/our hours of desperate need.

    I have posted here because in a way it does involve Health Anxiety and also it would appear to get more 'hits' than other forums on NMP. However, should the Administrators decide to move it to somewhere else then please do so and accept my sincere apologies.

    As sufferers, our everyday world is peppered with uncertainty and sadness unfortunately. Some of us have no more tears left to cry because of this dreadfull illness and I feel and hope that this post may just be enough to raise someones spirit just enough to gain another piece of inner strength that we so need from day to day. It is not and never has been my intention to offend anyone on here and most of the people who respond to my posts and cries of help will be well aware of that.

    Being as the post has 'Colonoscopy' in the title, then obviously this is not about planting out your Geraniums for spring! However, I am only to well aware that some members or guests will be on the waiting list for this procedure and I will state that firstly, you have nothing to worry about and secondly, it is to do with the 'preparation' and NOT the procedure of a Colonoscopy.

    Day 1. (A week before my procedure appointment).
    I am sure I'm not the only one who has to endure all manner of things pushed through their letterbox at all hours of the day and night, normally Pizza, Curry, House Painting leaflets and occasionally, the odd letter. However, today was different in the way that instead of a 'flap' sound, there was a 'meaty' knock on the door. I was greeted by the smiling face of my Postman who subsequently thrust a package into my hand. Oh dear, the dreaded Laxative had finally arrived, and lots of it!!

    Day 2. (The day before the procedure).
    I read, re-read and re-re-read the instructions. ' No food after breakfast' fine, as an Anxiety sufferer that's not unusual or hard to tolerate. Three packets in all, but normally only two are needed (the third is for back up)!
    OK it's 11am and time for the first sachet. Appointment is for 10am tomorrow so that's plenty of time for action, should be a piece of cake.....if only it was a piece of cake!
    Mmm, orange flavour, with a hint of compost and sweetener. Now it's getting on for 3pm and no sign of trumpets as yet.
    5pm and time for sachet number 2. This really is eezy peezy, why was I so worried!
    7pm and decided to investigate reoccuring funny noise coming from cupboard under stairs. No luck, but kept going back as noise got more and more persisitant. Made several other investigations before realising the funny noise was in fact coming from me!
    8pm and decide to take a leisurely stroll to the bathroom. Not much to report surprisingly and now beginning to think about back up number 3! Make last minute checks, toilet rolls in the fridge, wet wipes within easy reach and Johnsons Baby Powder at hand.
    9pm, leisurley stroll to bathroom has now turned into brisk walk with small steps. Assume the position and success!
    9.05, 9.10, 9.15, 9.20 followed by 5 minute intervals until 03.00am and on the verge of exhaustion. Talc everywhere, wet wipes no longer required owing to no time to put to use before needing toilet roll again.
    The serine sounds of Mozart once playing so softly in the background has now been replaced with screams of 'Bloody Hell' and 'Sod This For A Lark'. There are red friction marks on my thighs owing to the fact that my trousers have been up and down more times than in a Brian Rix comedy play and my somewhat leisurely stroll now resembles more of a Quasimodo swagger!
    However, every cloud has a silver lining and it wasn't long before I discovered that with much thanks to the laxative (or Space Shuttle Engine Degreaser as I prefer to call it), the saving on electric lighting is amazing! Basically, the 'nuclear reactor' situated around my rear end was glowing so much, therefore rendering the lightswitch totally uneccessary.
    4am and time for bed, Oh dear, thank God I live and sleep alone!

    Day 3 (The Procedure)
    Woke up at 8am feeling tired and relatively sore. Nervous, scared, no one to talk to or comfort me in my hour of need.
    Make my way to the bathroom downstairs after drinking so much water yesterday. Look in the mirror, Good Lord, it that really me, sadly yes, still I suppose the best part of me did go down the loo last night! Go to the fridge to get a sip of water and notice 2 tiolet rolls left sitting on the shelf, whereupon my rectum runs like a bat out of Hell down the garden!
    10am
    arrive at hospital, get changed into sexy smock and paper knickers with a flap at the back....that's handy!
    10.15 and asked if I could make my own way to Operating Theatre because the porters were busy! Walk with bag of belongings down corridor and past Waiting Room with backside hanging out. Arrive outside Ops Room wherby I'm greeted by the doctor who looks in worst shape than I do!
    He asks me if I need the toilet, whereupon I reply, 'Are you taking the ****'
    I say that I want sedation in order to try and preserve what little dignity I have left. Sadly, this falls on deaf ears owing to the fact that more importantly, there are rumours that there might be 'cracks' appeararing in the relationship between Katie Price and her crossdressing kick boxing partner reported in the newspaper that morning! However, my sanity is restored at last when they tell me that the blood pressure monitor is on the blink but works again after a hefty wack......which it normally does!!!
    The next thing I remember is waking up in the ward being asked if would like a cup of tea. No pain, no worries, all that panic over nothing. Don't remember a thing.
    Sadly, I'm still looking for my rectum!

    Horse.
    Last edited by Horse; 20-01-11 at 23:46.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    243

    Re: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'

    Thank you Horse for this! I've laughed my head off! I had a colonoscopy a couple years back... I remember the procedure and although uncomfortable, it was most definitely not as bad as the 'preperation'! I wish I too had lived alone at that time as I was more than embarrassed when I spent all night on the loo knowing that my partner could hear all that was going on whilst I was in there! It can't have been that bad though as we're still together now! haha! Thank you again for making me laugh! It's just what I needed

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    146

    Re: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'

    Horse

    Quite apart from giving us a good laugh, this really ought to be published - you should consider doing some articles for your local paper or some other publication.

    Writing can be such an escape and a distraction.

    Worth thinking about???

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    1,531

    Re: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'

    Hi Horse.
    Thankyou for your post,I know exactly how you felt.I have let my hubby read it and well he just laughed,so did I like could you write some more?
    Love Petra x

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    3,752

    Re: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'

    SIMPLY BRILLIANT!!
    Thats the funniest thing Ive read in a long time Horse, your command of the English Language in its descripitve and comic form is unequalled!!

    If you wrote a peice like that every week Id pay to read it........Ive laughed so much Ive pulled a muscle in my back!

    Excellent stuff...look forward to any more stories you may have x

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    , , United Kingdom.
    Posts
    1,375

    Re: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'



    Great post Horse, great piece of descriptive writing

    mandie x

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    , , United Kingdom.
    Posts
    42,754

    Re: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'

    Horse

    That was so funny. You realy do have a way with words.

    I think you got of lightly with the prep day as when I had mine I was on the loo literally all day. In fact I just sat there in the end as there was no point moving very far away

    Glad it was all ok for you and when do you get the results?
    __________________
    Nicola

    “Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.” - Natalie Babbitt

    Please help keep NMP running and donate to the running costs: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/donate




  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    1,718

    Re: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'



    Very well written Horse and ok you win, childbirth isn't so bad lol xxx
    __________________


    She said, I'm tired of the war
    I want the kind of work I had before


  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    617

    Re: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'

    Thank you so much for all your replies and kind comments.

    Nicola,
    Thankfully all investigations were negative, although this was back in last September.
    However, the symptoms still persist........naturally!

    Horse.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    , , United Kingdom.
    Posts
    42,754

    Re: 'Save electricity by having a Colonoscopy'

    Well that is good that it was all clear. Have they suggested IBS at all?
    __________________
    Nicola

    “Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.” - Natalie Babbitt

    Please help keep NMP running and donate to the running costs: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/donate




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