Second Dawn: coming off citalopram

[LauraSmith27]

Hi Poet

I can relate to a lot of things in your post.

I am an absolute nightmare when it comes to multitasking too much. I too fail to do what's best for me and refuse to listen to my body when it is telling me to slow down. Before my major crash in January, I was on the go all the time - working, looking after the house, gigging (I'm a musician) and also trying to write a book. I now realise I can't do everything at once so I am going to cut my work hours when I return, postpone gigging for a while and just try to settle myself into taking one thing at a time instead of always rushing and exhausting myself.

I also get what you are saying about things in your life causing you both pleasure and pain. I love my family too, but they can so easily cause my stress levels to rocket. My mum also has anxiety and although I appreciate her support, sometimes she can be the worst person for me to be around. I feel stuck a lot of the time between wanting to see her and knowing she isn't good for me. Also, visiting my parents house creates a lot of anxiety related memories for me as it all started there.

The thing I struggle with the most is my love of music. On the one hand, it is a huge part of me and an incredible gift, but on the other, it's a curse. I love it so much, but at the same time, it can tip me over and cause me so much anxiety. I have really low confidence and still I manage to get on stage because I feel like I am wasting my talents if I don't. I wish it wasn't such a difficult thing for me as I just can't give it up.

Anyway, I hope this post helps.

Take care

Laura x

[NoPoet]

Hi Laura, I really appreciate that. While I've had a lot of support here, sometimes it feels like I'm just talking to myself!

I've started reading up on time management and have made some small changes, starting with listing the time I feel that I am "wasting" - and I already found that I am wasting up to 110 minutes in the morning before work! You should try this too, just list your average day, what you do in order that you do it and how long you spend on each item on the list. You will probably be surprised!

People in our situation are easily exhausted since we are living on adrenaline and we're constantly fighting an unwinnable battle in our mind. The key to breaking this cycle is to learn new, more positive habits: effective time management, relaxation and making sure we spend some "me" time every single day.

Instead of cramming a million things into each waking moment, concentrate on one particular task, making a conscious decision to ignore the other issues for the moment. It is the only way you'll make any progress: finish one task, then move on to the next.

Interestingly, someone told me something similar about coping with anxiety back in the early days. Deal with ONE problem, no matter how many issues are crowding for your attention, and ACCEPT that you are leaving other matters unresolved for now. I wish so much I'd actually listened and taken that in. I did eventually and it still helps me now. While I've only been working on my time management for a week or less, it's already reduced my stress levels and has given me a very powerful boost. It's good to be taking control again.

[Jemlou]

Hey lovely, i'm still about altho dont post much for the exact same reason you mentioned, i didnt think anyone was actually bothered about reading it and i was just talking to myself.

Sorry to hear about your blip, has one myself actually so know how frustrating it can be.

I tend to burn myself out taking on too much as i think i dont want to give anything up as it all helps me cope, for example pilates and swimming are new things which have really helped me deal with my anxiety good way of releasing it however after a full day at work then swimming or pilates then doing th horse, cooking dinner and spending time with my bf etc i'm knackered! so i find it hard to get a balance that is effective. They aid my recovery an di like to be doing productive things that make me feel good about myself but i oveer do it then leaving myself completly burnt out.

another example of this is i have 4 books on the go at the moment - why cant i just do one at a time..... haha

its as tho we fill our time to keep us busy and not focus too much on our problems and to an extent it works but over doing it causes us other issues.

Hope you are doing ok mate. xx

[Dragonsblonde]

Been a while since I have been here at all and so have not been commenting at all.

I will say though about the comments re talking to ourselves on here. I think a lot of the time that is what most people who write blogs and updates end up doing, I know I did. However I don't really think that is a bad thing. What it allows us to do is talk openly in an environment, where whilst you may not get answers, you will never be judged harshly for your feelings.

Unlike the outside world where mostly we plaster smiles on our faces and go about our business, in here we can cry, vent, laugh (happily or like a maniac) and do it freely without constraint or fear. That's a healthy thing, so keep on writing, because you can look back at it when you need to see how far you have come or how bad you have felt in the past and still made it through.

As for the revelations - please don't see them as massive mountains to overcome. You are a smart guy, so break it down. The great technique of setting a time to think about these things - say from 4-5pm and only choose one of the things to think about. Say pick one family member a week to think about and work on that and that alone. When you have come to a level place in your mind about that, pick something else, but keep it within that time limit. That is a CBT excercise which I found so so useful as it mean't I wasn't just hiding things away or refusing to confront them, but i Wasn't allowing them to rule my life either.

If you feel up to CBT and your counsellor agrees it does tackle things like our usually wrong opinions of ourselves and need for reassurance or desire to conform etc. I didn't think it would do anything for me and yet I still find myself tackling problems by going back an revisiting that training.

I will just say, try not to be so hard on yourself. I remember once saying to be CBT mentor that my main fear was not being able to cope and she had me drill down further and further into it and then basically said "so what". If you can't cope, what does it actually mean and when I stared it right in the face it mean't nothing, just that I would actually cope with whatever it was because I alwyas had done in one way or another. These days I am much less demanding of myself and much more appreciative of my positives.

You can do it and you will do it, just give yourself the space and time to do it.

[NoPoet]

Wow, thanks for the replies ladies, I'd almost forgotten about this thread. I guess this thread marks a transitional point in my life. I am not the same person I was when I started this thread.

I've learned so much about myself and I have made huge strides towards changing my attitude towards almost everything. It's been quite overwhelming - so I learned how to break things down and deal with a specific thing at a time. Nothing is completely fixed yet. I have learned to think in terms of weeks and months rather than days. It's teaching me a kind of patience which I needed desperately (and still do).

Counselling has made a significant difference but I have put so much effort in. Sometimes I feel like I'm in danger of burning out. From what you both say, being on the edge of burnout is a common issue.

When we start feeling better, we're so giddy and so full of adrenaline we take on impossible odds. My team leader is trying to teach me this at work. I'm hoping to move to a better department and earn loads of bonus. Thing is, I have got a long way to go before I'm ready to move on from my current team (with all its attendant problems). I'm trying to change departments to build a life for myself, but ironically I need to build myself up and improve certain areas of my work to get there. So I can see why I have been accused of running before I can walk.

There's so much to say in counselling, far too much to cram into an hour. I'm worried that I am still being too analytical and too obsessed with my problems. I have joined a dating website again and am hoping it will go well.

[NoPoet]

Hi all! It's been a month since my last post but it feels like longer!

Things took a major nose dive at work a few weeks ago when someone wound me up to the point I totally exploded and nearly caused a fight in front of the entire department. Gradually things were resolved and now the atmosphere at work is very good. I'm doing well there and am pretty much contented now. Work is no longer a problem.

The dating site has been very interesting, I've already been in two short-lived relationships with unsuitable people.

At the moment I am having a blip. The anxiety is generally on the retreat and many of my problems are now either resolved or being dealt with, but I find that blips now involve feeling low or distressed rather than being outright anxious. I don't seem to need as much support these days but I still need the Samaritans and Anxiety UK when I'm having a blip. Blips are such hateful things.

My counsellor told me she is certain I do not have depression as I am able to lead a normal life. She says it's still just anxiety. Whatever it is, I am afraid of it, which is why it has such power over me. When I feel a "normal" bout of anxiety, I can crush it pretty quickly, but when my mood is low I can feel quite rough.

I have been using inositol for the last 3 weeks and have definitely found it helpful during times of stress or agitation.

I could make a massive post going through all my experiences but no-one would read it, so if anyone does give this post a read please let me know what you think!

[suzy-sue]

www.nothingworks.weebly.com I think you would benefit greatly from reading Chris,s experience .Sometimes its good to look at things in a different light .Obviously what you have been doing and how you are approaching things , doesnt seem to be helping you anymore .Hope it helps you on your journey of recovery .Sue