Second Dawn: coming off citalopram

[NoPoet]

Brian, good luck and stick with it mate, congratulations on feeling better. What other therapy are you receiving?

Well today I am still anxious about work - I wouldn't be so anxious if it was my day off and I had something else to do, but if today was a free day and I had no plans, I guess my anxiety would just take a new form. It's hard to go through life feeling constant dread and fear, but somehow I'm doing it.

The Anxiety UK counsellor phoned last night and my first appointment should be next week - I need to send the counsellor a cheque for 3 sessions in advance (total £60) before we can start. We talked for about 20 minutes and when I explained everything, including my morbid dread of depression, she said in her opinion I seemed very anxious so it's likely I am a GAD sufferer rather than anything else.

[cathy s]

Good luck PsychoPoet. I have the same dread of depression, so I hope you post something about this after seeing the counsellor! I have used your cit survival guide to great effect, so thanks for that!
Cathy

[Greenman50]

Hi poet

Your cit guide was a massive help to me , many thanks my friend .

I,ve just skipped through the "second dawn" and will have a proper read over the weekend . I,ve been on cit since January and i wouldn,t have coped with it without finding this site and your post .
Please keep updateing as you will never know the amount of people you are helping .
Hope you get the peace you deserve at the end of this citralapram journey

[NoPoet]

Cathy, Mel2, thanks very much for your feedback and your support. Knowing people are still being helped by the guide gives meaning to the suffering I went through.

A lot has happened today and it's quite a turnaround.

I have gone back onto 10mg of citalopram.

I saw my hypnotherapist today and she was absolutely convinced that my problem lies with depression. Anyone who has read any of my old threads will know that I have a morbid, total terror of being depressed. The hypnotherapist basically said everything I NEVER wanted to hear: I am depressed, I am exhausted and anxious from denying it and fighting it, and I need to accept that depression is probably the underlying cause of my illness.

I came away from the session feeling very low (although no longer very anxious). As the day went by, I started to realise that the hypnotherapist might actually be right. I think my illness is actually depression rather than anxiety; the anxiety is simply my fear of depression, along with the shock that came from my whole world changing, and my lack of ability to cope with the changes in my life.

I have taken 10mg of citalopram and intend to continue taking citalopram until my life is in order. This was not the right time to come off citalopram in the first place - I still suffer from depression and social anxiety, I still have a number of issues I never really dealt with that lead to the depression and social anxiety, and all I have in my life at the moment is a job with stupid hours - hardly a good distraction from my problems.

I now feel more at peace than I have in a long time. That morbid fear I had now has no hold over me. I know I'm depressed, I admit I'm depressed, and I also know that I have been depressed before and come through it okay. So what need do I now have for anxiety?

I know this knowledge has not cured me. I know that I am going to have a tough time dealing with my issues. But I now know that I have finally faced my own worst fears, and you know what? The things I was afraid of HAVE NOT HAPPENED. I have not suddenly become suicidal, I haven't suddenly wanted to stay in bed all day and give up. I'm still me. This is just the new version of me.

[Tero]

Sounds difficult. I know lots of people are on citalopram for many years. I plan to be on it a year or two at the least.

I actually have a way out, but that would mean retiring from full time work.

[NoPoet]

Tero, it seems like you've avoided falling into the pointless trap of worrying about how long you will be on the medication. Retiring from full time work means less cash and more time to dwell, but I suspect you're aware of that!

For lots of people I've spoken to on No More Panic, the duration of our treatment is something that causes extra anxiety - but when you think about it, what does it matter whether we're on the citalopram for months or years? The important thing is feeling better, right? It's not a race to finish our treatment.

For myself I am a bit burned out by the last couple of weeks and I think the cit has upset my stomach but it's not like the bad old days and it's only a small dose. Accepting my situation has made me feel a hundred times calmer. I've been able to spend all day pottering about the house without panicking or suffering distressing thoughts. Once again, my thanks go to hypnotherapy!

[Asha1979]

Hi Psychopoet Im so glad you are feeling a bit less anxious about being depressed. To be honest I think they are basically the same thing. Because I get anxious about being depressed and I also get depressed about being anxious. So I end up in a spiral of fear!!! Good on you for going back on the cit. I don't care if I never come off, anything is better than feeling like I want to fall off the face of the Earth. You'll soon be feeling alot better I promise, I often wonder why we get this trauma in our lives. Trauma of getting depressed/anxious, going on meds, obsessing about the dosage, side effects,duration and withdrawals of medication? Are we the elite group of the earth that is most in touch with the dark side of life lol

[NoPoet]

Are we the elite group of the earth that is most in touch with the dark side of life lol

I'm not ready to find out that Darth Vader is my dad just yet, so I think we should consider ourselves the good guys for now!

Asha - In the actual session I was very distressed and wished I hadn't gone, because it made me feel confused and let down. The hypnotherapist seemed to say all the wrong things, and she went against everything I've believed for the last 2 years.

It took me all afternoon to realise that she was right. A view I've held for 2 years, changed in the space of 5 hours. There is something incredible about that.

I think that the anxiety has left me partly because the game is up and there's no need for it any more, but also because the session was deeply relaxing, in spite of its subject matter. Therapy is not easy and I'm not sure how I managed to relax so much.

The anxiety does linger at the edges sometimes and it's only day one. I might feel worse tomorrow, I might feel the same as I do now, all I can say is that I feel like I'm back on the path and it's good to be there. I just hope it's permanent!

[NoPoet]

Well, it's day two today, I am yet to take my second dose of cit, I'm waiting til dinner time. I went to bed far too late last night and feel totally knackered.

As I think I've already said, a big reason for my low mood and anxiety over the last few weeks has been the realisation that I've got nothing in my life except work. Apart from that I see my mate, who is depressed, or I sit at home. Normally when I'm feeling well I am happy to potter about reading or writing or playing the XBox but over the last couple of weeks I've been feeling like my life is empty, without greater purpose. That really, really got to me.

Now that I've started to accept this, it no longer hurts so badly and my anxiety is at a low level for the moment. On the other hand I know WHY I have got nothing else in my life: I feel more anxious at the thought of going out. Me and dad are planning to go out this afternoon and for some reason, despite being bored at home with nothing better to do than sit here writing about my problems, part of me doesn't want to go!

So it appears the problem is this:

* I am unhappy because my life is empty; I can see what I need to do and what I want to do to change this.

* I am too scared or demotivated to actually make any changes. The thought of making my life busier or more complicated, for example by meeting someone of the opposite sex, fills me with fear; the thought of going out for the day makes me want to mope at home, because I don't feel like I've got the energy or enthusiasm.

Now maybe as my tablets and therapy kick in, things will start getting easier for me. I also think that going to bed at 1am every night is not helping at all!

[Asha1979]

Well, it's day two today, I am yet to take my second dose of cit, I'm waiting til dinner time. I went to bed far too late last night and feel totally knackered.

As I think I've already said, a big reason for my low mood and anxiety over the last few weeks has been the realisation that I've got nothing in my life except work. Apart from that I see my mate, who is depressed, or I sit at home. Normally when I'm feeling well I am happy to potter about reading or writing or playing the XBox but over the last couple of weeks I've been feeling like my life is empty, without greater purpose. That really, really got to me.

Now that I've started to accept this, it no longer hurts so badly and my anxiety is at a low level for the moment. On the other hand I know WHY I have got nothing else in my life: I feel more anxious at the thought of going out. Me and dad are planning to go out this afternoon and for some reason, despite being bored at home with nothing better to do than sit here writing about my problems, part of me doesn't want to go!

So it appears the problem is this:

* I am unhappy because my life is empty; I can see what I need to do and what I want to do to change this.

* I am too scared or demotivated to actually make any changes. The thought of making my life busier or more complicated, for example by meeting someone of the opposite sex, fills me with fear; the thought of going out for the day makes me want to mope at home, because I don't feel like I've got the energy or enthusiasm.

Now maybe as my tablets and therapy kick in, things will start getting easier for me. I also think that going to bed at 1am every night is not helping at all!

To be honest I could have written alot of your post and you know I think the whole thing boils down to anxiety so maybe when our meds have adjusted properly we can take steps to start enjoying a more fulfilling life, here's hoping