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Thread: Does your illness affect your children?

  1. #1
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    Does your illness affect your children?

    I have been realy upset today, i have agoraphobia which i have had for quite a few years and find mothers day real hard to celebrate as i feel at times that i havent been a good mother and done the things with my girls which other mothers can do. My 17 year old daughter asked me yesterday if she could take me in to town and buy me something new to wear for mothers day, i dont no why she asked me as havent been able to go clothes shopping for about 6 years, i explained that how i would love to but just cant, and explained she dosnt have to spend her money on me a card is good enough for me, i know my illness must affect her, i was really shocked this afternoon when she came home from shopping. she just said "all the shops where shut when i got to town except the pound shop so i have bought you a £1 tin of Talcum Powder called Tramp! Which i thought was appropriate for you" she didnt even get me a card. I was really upset, i feel so guilty that i cant be a proper mum, i was just wondering how your children cope with your illness?

    Andrea
    xxx

  2. #2
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    Hi, I know just how you feel, my mothers day was pretty grim, couldnt even manage a walk down the road. I am a mum of two children, Son of 8 and Daughter of 4. I have suffered for ten years, recently really bad, nearly housebound apart from the school run.

    I have always been open with the children, they seem to understand but it does upset me when I can't take them to partys and on day trips in the school holidays.

    My son and husband our going to Teneriffe for a week in April and this really hurts, but I know I would'nt even be able to get to the airport at the moment and I dont think they should put their life on hold for me.

    I am sorry you didnt have a good mother's day - if you fancy a chat do contact me.

  3. #3
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    Sorry I have removed this as it hurts too much to look at.

    Apologies.

    Spice
    xxx

  4. #4
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    Hi Spice

    So sorry to hear you are having bad time at the moment with your family, it must be so hard for you. It certainly dosnt help you with the anxiety. I myself was hoping to start this week on a positive note but i have felt unwell all morning, i just feel so useless at times and so fed up of trying to beat the anxiety it wears me down so much, i think the guilt of not been able to do things for my kids as taken over. Also thanks Lisa for your kind reply, its a shame you cant go to tenerife with your family,its good though that your husband and son came spend time away togeather and you not minding, maybe that would be a good idea for my husband to do with my youngest daughter, it would give me great satisfaction to know they where not missing out on things because of me.

    All i seem to do lately is moan about things, but it makes me feel better knowing that i am not alone, love to you both !!

    Andrea
    xxx

  5. #5
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    Hi Andrea, my kids know there is something wrong. I can't take them to a lot of places I would like to. It really hurts me sometimes, especially with the 2 youngest at 8 & 5. They are really hyper as well & sometimes I end up in tears & they come up to me & say "does Mummy need an ambulance because we're being naughty". I feel awful at times, its like they know its the stress that brings on panic attacks & anxiety. How do you expect children so young to understand that. My eldest is 17 & very much like your daughter. I didn't get a mother's day card either. The 2 youngest made me cards at school & my ex bought them cards for me as well, but the eldest just doesn't care. I think its a hormone thing so don't worry about it too much, they should be independent enough at that age to sort their lives out, but sometimes my eldest is worst than the 2 youngest put together! You are a proper mum Andrea, we all are.

    Take care, Les, xx

  6. #6
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    hi i can understand how you feel my daughter was 2and a half when i started with panic attacks i could not take her to nursery or to school every body else had to do that for me never went out much with her i used to say i could go but when it came to it i couldn't do it i couldn't get out of the house i got a bit better and i would try and go to the park with her but i was to panicy to enjoy it the panic attacks would go for a while but then they would come back worse than before i feel i have let her down she is nearly 15 now she goes out with her friends or with her auntie she doesn't need me to go out with her now some times she tells me i don't try hard enough to get out more and we have some rows but i understand her she sees her friends out with there mums and i can't do it pluse i don't dress properly i don't have the modern clothes to wear i have let my self go everey day i say i am going to sort my self out but its not easy i know she loves me and she tries to understand some times i think i am to hard on myself any take care mags

  7. #7
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    I was asking myself all these questions before I came on to the site today.

    I have five children and up until 5 years ago, although I had the panic and anxiety the agoraphobia I first had at 18 left me for a while.I seemed to somehow beat it.

    For five years now I have punished myself every damn day for feeling such a failure. My children take themselves out with friends and my husband takes them swimming whilst I sit here on this damn computer not being able to face my fears.

    For mothers day I had a lovely day, although for me it was one of sadness because unlike most mums who were at the park or out shopping I was stuck inside my house relying on my 15 year old son to pamper me for the day which he did with love and affection, although I know deep down he would have rather been out with his friends. I have explained this all to my children and I know how hurt and angry they are that there mum cant do the things other mums can do. What you have to look at is the things you do do for them, you cook, clean, keep a home and make sure that no matter what there safety is paramount to you.

    No matter what the social aspect of your life is with them you are always going to be there to support them emotionally, so dont ever think you have failed. I know thats a hard thing to believe even I do at times, but I know I love them and they know that as well. I know that I would do anything to be a better mum and they know that as well.

    So what, we cant go out but we are still good mums, we are still there for them, we are human not robots, what we fail in we make up for in other areas. I mean hey back in the 80's the press gave parents whos children had door keys a hard time. At least your home for them everyday to cook and give them a safe environment to live in. Just because you cant pick them up from school does not mean you are not there to greet them every day.

    Try to understand what your child is going through is a mass or hormonal changes at a time when Mum's are needed. The only time my kids want me to go shopping is when they want something. (lol) She felt a little rejection the other day. Well you can make it better by suggesting a girlie night in with just the two of you and a bottle of wine and a takeaway. Do some pampering and talk about her life. It will be ok. She loves you truly.

    Dont ever think our children are not supportive of us, just dont expect too much understanding from them. our partners dont understand us so how in hells name are our children supposed to.



    good luck


    sue


    scknight

  8. #8
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    Gosh don't know how to start with this one.

    Sue thanks for the last post, that was spot on - we have soooo much to offer in other ways guys. I can just about get out with my teenagers but not all the time and I tell them how I am feeling and also how I am trying to work on it. I think cos they can see I know this isn't perfect on the whole they have been terrific.

    I too have been feeling bad as my middle child is studying to be a beautician and wanted me to go the college for free treatments - god 6 years ago you couldn't have stopped me but now I don't fancy it at all. It would mean a bus journey of half an hour on my own - it makes me feel sad as some of the other mothers go.

    I try and make sure we have fun in other ways though - they are welcome to their friends staying over whenever they like and we have sleepovers all the time. Me and the youngest play games and do creative stuff together. I know they know I am here for them whenever and they do always come to me with problems cos at least they always know where I am

    Marg hun just thinking about the clothes situation - I am sure you are perfect just as you are but we all know how getting new clothes can give us a lift so would your daughter help you look through a catalogue to choose some modern clothes??? I prefer getting my clothes this way as I can spread the payments a bit and then if I have more money one week I pay for the item in full.

    Also someone mentioned teenagers and hormones and that is worth remembering too. It is hard not to take stuff personally but at this age they very rarely know which way is up and are so full of their own insecurites that they don't always have the capacity for anyone elses.

    There are lots of worse types of parents that they could have, so lets be glad they got us

    Love Piglet xxx

  9. #9
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    Hi all i have to say is snap, i had m.e since 99 but after having my two daughters aged now 3 and 4 i cant take them to nursery/school have to pay someone to do it for me. so sick of it if i do try i feel faint and dizzy like i am going to continuely pass out. i cant take them anyway they have even developed symptoms when at school the 4 year old cried every morning before schhol? terrible will i every get better. I feel worse before a period i cant even walk along the road, and when i come indoors i feel like i have been on gas and air, dizzy/spaced off balance whats that? any advice.

    c.lambert

  10. #10
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    Hello

    I know my problems affect my daughter..well, my eldest anyways, the younger one is only 1 so, hopefully she doesn't know what's going on. Although, the level of stress and anxiety that I have everyday makes me wonder if children aren't more in tune with things than we think.

    I am pregnant and constantly worry that my stress affects the baby so, I guess it would affect my youngest one too....Great!
    I win the mother of the year award for that! Geez

    I haven't been outside for a while and I keep telling myself it's because i'm depressed, not because I can't...and I actually believe that so, that's good.

    I find myself doing other things for my eldest...like letting her pick out nice things from the internet and we buy them together, or watch movies, let her hang out in my bed with me and watch tv. Wow, I just realized that I am cheating her so badly! How unfair of me.

    I thought I was being creative in the ways that I found to make things somewhat normal for her. I guess not, huh!

    I just want to be normal..whatever that is!!! I love my children and hate what I am doing to them.

    Tina

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