Caring for Terminally ill friend

[paula lynne]

I wasnt going to post about this, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest, and would love a hug right now.

My friend Connie has stage 4 terminal bowel and stomach cancer. Its metastatic, and the consultant has given her 3 monthes at best. She was to die at home, and has refused chemotherapy, which will add 3 monthes at best.

Her family have got all the bits set up, commode, airflow bed, a great motorised chair that she can control, and Macmillan are coming in every 3 days to deal with pain relief.

Im very close to her daughter. Shes asked me to help care for Connie. I went to change the dressing on her tum the other night, and was professional whilst there, but FREAKED out when I got home. I told her to ring if she needed to, but now Im involved in care (advice, making sure shes clean and fresh, making sure shes eating a little) Im worried that I wont be able to cope, and I really want to help my lovely friend.

I could really do without anxiety beating me right now. It was hard with my mum, but didnt beat me. But it did beat me when I couldnt see my gran before she died. I drank a whole bottle of wine the night I came back from Connies, and felt terrible the next day. and ashamed.

Any tips on how to keep control? I want to be there. I need to be there. Its the least I can do for this wonderful woman. Hugs would go down a treat right now gang x Thanks for listening x P

[ladybird64]

Hugs coming your way..I'm only at the end of the phone.

I know you will help to make Connie comfortable but I also want you to make sure that you are comfortable with what you are having to do.
There is no point in doing more than you are able to deal with..and no feeling guilty, that's what the MacMillan nurses are there for.

Do what you can, be a friend and just be there for her in whatever way you can..I'm sure she wouldn't ask for more. xx

[suzy-sue]

Angies right Paula ..Thinking of you and your Friend .Sending you both a big hug luv Suexx

[ditzygirl]

OMG - I thought my life was hard just now, you sweetie are really being pushed to the limit.

It's awful isn't it being put in such a situation, I understand completely. As you know I have my hands full with my partners elderly parents and there are times when I wonder if I can hack it.

But I think you can do what you need to do for your friend. Somehow you will find a way through it, and it's my belief that this is where you are meant to be just now in your life. It;s going to take every bit of strength you have but will be worth it!!!

You will need support though and don't underestimate that, this is a huge undertaking so don't be afraid to ask for help. I am lucky coz I have a great GP and nurse who are kind of propping me up and helping me. All they do is listen when I turn up in tears and shaking, but off loading it is really helping me. Its really really important to share your feelings and not bottle it up which is my speciality - hence the anxiety.

Paula - from your posts on here I know you can do what you need to do for your friend, and I am here for you anytime at all.

Big hugs sweetie for you, your friend and all concerned this is a tough time for all of you.
xxx

[paula lynne]

Thank you ladies, youre all such a support to me. Its actually hard for me to ask for help, Ive always been the care giver I guess. I only post when I feel like Im going to blow any minute....its a bad habit of mine as some as you know, as by that time, I feel out of control again.

I must not bottle things up. I must learn to tell you when I start to feel like this, I must learn I am not infallible. and cant be strong all the time. Its reassuring to know Im able to do that here, with you.

I may need to keep this thread going for a bit. Can you please stay with me as I help Connie on her final journey?
I know its going to get tough, I think I need your help I really do.

Love and much gratitude, P x

[HarrogateChris]

Huge hugs from me Paula, don't push yourself too hard, give yourself some space to feel. It's too easy to slip into your professional role and neglect the emotions that will naturally occur in this personal situation.



Chris xx

[Nigel]

That’s such a sad story Paula.
I think I’d find it too hard to take on what your are. You’re a star

Sorry but I don’t really have any wise words, except look after yourself too. It’s no use taking on too much and ending up falling apart and doing less. Sometimes it’s necessary to take a step back put yourself first.

I’m sure everyone here at NMP will help you through this, but don’t forget you can lean on people like the MacMillian nurses too. They’re not just there for the patient, and they have first hand experience.

Cwtches for you and Connie
Nigel

[JaneC]

Paula so sorry you and your friend and her family are having to go through this. Of course it is up to you to decide what you can and can't cope with but I'm wondering if it is hard enough being Connie's friend here, without being her nurse as well? You could still try to help make sure she's eating a little in that role too.

You went through so much when your gran died, and it is really important that you take care of yourself as well as your friend. I've seen so many people push themselves so hard in this kind of situation and then just completely fall apart once it's over.

We'll all be here for you, whatever you need though xxx

[Anxious_gal]

aw your such a lovely person but please don't forget to look after yourself too.
i know this whole thing is emotionally hard on you and i can see how much you want to help at the same time.

[gaaron]

I'm lost for words accept to say I'm thinking of you xxx